Hmm. Weird. Different colored pages…
It’s odd blogging on someone else’s site. I’m a bit of a homebody and that even extends to my virtual self, apparently. But, Drew said I could and this seems to make more sense here than over on Denying Thumper.
So anyway, yeah, yesterday was difficult for me and it was the culmination of a difficult period and I’m not going to say we’ve solved the issues yet but at least we’ve identified them and that’s the first step (at least according to AA). And I say difficult but also over that same period more than a little thrilling and fun and rewarding. But also difficult. Because life.
I am like Drew in many ways but one way I am definitely not like Him is that I don’t seem to have a switchy or dommy bone in my body. I am total sub all the way down. And my interactions with Drew have kicked that part of me into overdrive so that my subbiness has started to spill out all over everywhere. For those who are the beneficiaries of that (Belle, Drew), this has been well and fine. Even my kids and coworkers are probably benefiting. When my sub state is really humming along, I want to serve. In all ways. Yes, of course, sexually, but domestically and all the other -llys you can come up with.
As I said, yesterday was a culminating point for me. I’ve had, literally, two masters for a little while now and how that’s manifested for me is that they’ve grown to consume my life. If I’m not doing something for one (or thinking of something I could do) then I’m doing something for the other. And in those times when I’m not serving either, I’m going to work or coming back from work or dealing with kids or whatever. I have my own stuff I like to do and, back when it was just Belle I was pleasing, that was easy. But that’s not now.
Belle is not naturally dominant. She’s adapted well to living with a sub, but she’s not as consistently demanding as Drew has been. Note that “demanding” is not necessarily a bad thing in this context since a sub likes to have demands put upon him by his Dom/me. Drew has His duality, but He’s also pretty good at keeping the pressure on me in ways that, I must admit, are pretty hot.
So anyway, yesterday. Gah, I’m all over. Yesterday, Belle dropped on me a new list of tasks. Typically, she tasks me on Saturday (and I did those) so that was somewhat unexpected. Drew tasks me on Sunday so that wasn’t but his list was longer. So I spent the day sort of bouncing back and forth between one to-do for her and another for Him and never did the one specific thing I wanted to do for me and have been putting off since essentially the day Drew showed up in my life. (Note for new readers: My capping Him and not her should not be viewed as an indicator of relative levels of respect or anything related to that — it’s just that’s what He wants when it comes to Him and she doesn’t so I don’t.)
And this thing I’ve been putting off isn’t just for me. I have an entire community of friends counting on me to be engaged with them but my own duality of extended submission has crowded out my ability to do that and I feel guilt. Guilt that’s probably exacerbated by my heightened sub state. But going off and taking care of that part of my life seems difficult to even start because I can’t be sure what I’ll need to do for my dominants and it’s really hard to pull myself away from thinking about them and being more selfish. All this is further “enhanced” by the fact that I’m just not a good multitasker to begin with. In short, I’m feeling overwhelmed. And, in feeling that way, also disappointed in myself for not being able to be all things to all people.
I can’t say how much of this angst is because I’m a sub and how much is basic personality flaws or that it really matters because, in my head, it’s all mushed together.
I’ve been really good at not letting this bleed over onto the Belle side of things, though she knows I’m not “normal” and made a brief yet telling comment last night. She said she thinks the only way she can be OK with Drew being a thing in my life is because He’s not local. Otherwise, she says she’d feel too territorial. I made a joke about her having the local franchise and she firmly reminded me she has the only franchise. Drew’s just renting. She smiled and stroked my head when she said all this but it was in the “I’m smiling and stroking your head while I’m sayin this but I’m deadly serious and don’t make me hurt you” way that women have about them sometimes. And day-um but ain’t that sexy?
Anyway, with regard to the angst and the overwhelmedness and finding balance and all, Drew and I are going to talk. He knows I need more space and I feel like the way to do that and remain in the dynamic is if He gives it to me rather than me taking it. It’s kind of like our rule around my limits. If I just limit out of something without discussion I’m not respecting the dynamic. But if I explain my issue and give Him the chance to amend His request or demand, then I’m showing that I trust Him and His authority. Same thing here. We’ll talk this through and I trust He’ll open up some space for me. He’s genuinely good at this whole domination thing.