It’s 4 something in the morning and I have woken up with a mind full of things and decided to write a bit which generally helps me. Today I have to actually focus my mind on my job (and that rather disappoints me), so I thought I would write early (and maybe get a nap back in before having to be officially awake at 6).
Anyway, this one is going to be about me. All me. Well, me and Axel (the husband who I now have permission to name). When I was writing the post last night about Thump and I and how we have decided to take a grown up approach to our side action versus skipping down the path like Jan Brady and her fictional boyfriend George Glass, I wrote the following phrase that made me stop and tell myself I needed to explore this further:
As discussed, I have, at several points in the past, opened the room to my husband and flipped the lights on briefly before finding some reason to extinguish both the lights and the desire before kicking him swiftly out the door.
That statement really says it all about my sub side at home and it’s something I have vowed to work through most likely within this blog, these posts, and through conversation with Axel as I allow myself to accept this. It’s very funny, I did not realize until even earlier tonight that there is another facet to all of this I am coming to terms with – the fact that I am indeed an actual switch. And, I have to come to grips with this while being in an actual switch role. I used to think the fact that I “went both ways” (don’t get excited, ladies, I mean that in the BDSM way)(Ha) was just a cool fact I would one day tell at parties – although not any ones I currently go to. But, while it’s still a groovy factoid about me, it’s one that also now comes with responsibilities on both sides, to two people, and, more importantly, to myself.
That said, the switch part of me I am not worried about. I have already proven to myself in the last few weeks that my mind can easily go back and forth and that my relationships on both levels will be equally fine and, well, not to brag, but satisfied, so I will be good to go on this. It will just take a few weeks to furnish those particular areas within the imaginary room I keep mentioning – fyi, it has an open floor plan and I am currently having windows installed – and I am just fine with THAT part, so there.
Now, that statement gets to the crux of the matter at hand, my inability to fully, or even partially at this point, turn myself over to my husband. I WANT to. I NEED to. I KNOW it will happen, but it’s just not easy and that pisses me off. Yes, I know all of the things about giving yourself to someone, even someone you love with every fiber of your being, is hard and dark and scary yet dreamy and fun and happy, and I absolutely plan to explore those in a post, most likely later tonight, but since I told myself this blog would be about what I need to work through, the issue I have right now is confidence. Specifically, confidence in myself.
Thumper and I talked about this before and, like usual, he nailed me (wow, it’s funny how the double entendres in these type statements about him seem to always be in complete contradiction of the way it really works) when he said something along the lines of “from what I know about you, your career, your life, your family, your acceptance of being gay, you have never lacked confidence in the fact that you would make them all work or everyone can fuck themselves if they don’t like them” (fyi – the actual words had baseball analogies and some Klingon in them, so I paraphrased them for you, my readers, yet still quoted him).
That hit me hard because, even though many times in life I have pretended to be scared or worried, deep down I truly knew I would be fine because I knew, at least, what to expect on the path – even though it might be stormy and dark at times – because I could always, always envision the end result. Right now, not only can I not envision what the end of my dive into submission will look like, I can’t fucking see the path yet because of the stormy darkness in my head and that is driving me crazy at the moment. But, like any great storm, it will pass and the air will be cleaner afterwards and that will reveal the path and most likely the destination on the horizon. I get that, but in the meantime, I am getting out the umbrella and venturing into it headfirst.
Stay tuned to this channel for further weather developments.