So, this morning about 3:53 I felt the hand on me from across the bed.  THE hand.  You know, the one that is not just the accidental brush in the middle of the night, or the “stop snoring you jackass”, but THE one.  THE touch you just feel deep in your core that it’s going to lead to something probably pretty good with a side of sticky.

However, this time was different for me.  While, don’t get me wrong, my nether regions did not want to say no even though it was also the first night I had really had good sleep in weeks, but suddenly my mind went into the “fuck, if we fuck and I finish am I still going to want this or am I going to want to run down the stairs and go hide in my warm office” kind of thought.  We have discussed this before either here or in one of Thumper’s blogs or comments that I have always had a slight need to run away from the person or, especially the activity, if it involved kink of some capacity.  I know this is not uncommon and have never thought about it until a few weeks ago. That side of me is generally a “that was nice but let’s pack up the gear and this kinky mindset and not discuss it again for a bit and, oh, what about Mexican for dinner?” kind of thing.

So, all that to say, I worried that I would feel that way again after the “deed”, but me being me and nasty thoughts being what they are, I decided I would just deal with it later and enjoy the moment.

And, oh, did I enjoy the moment.  Frankly, it wasn’t a porn style fuck fest and it wasn’t just a moment, it was mostly about 60 minutes of a deep, 220 pounds of muscle on top 180 pounds of muscle tight, heavy, intense cuddle, some touching here and there, a mouth here and there, and then, the moment times two.  At that point I was slightly terrified that my vanilla mind would wage battle and I would run downstairs naked erasing the chalkboard in a mild panic that pretending it never existed.

However, you know what, I rolled over and went to sleep.  One of those 5am deep sleeps with non-conflicting dreams of what I plan to do for the husband and to the boy.  It was a lovely nap leading to a lovely feeling of true switch success.