I was in a bad mood. Yep. B-A-D Mood. ALL DAY. Bad mood.
No better words than that.
It’s much better now and I am being slightly over dramatic, but today wasn’t my best day. First, as you know, I am adjusting to chastity at Axel’s direction for anytime I am not with him intimately or with Thumper casually or otherwise. I don’t think we will ever go to a full situation where I will be locked continuously because of the travel and, well, to be honest, my penis is rather nice (feel free to comment here Thump – I need the adoration today) and he likes to look at it and play with it, especially when I finally get the ring in it that he has wanted all these years, so, he’s not going to always stay covered.
That aside, I am adjusting and honestly really like many aspects of it and think I will grow to just crave it, especially when the custom one arrives, but that was not the case today because this morning, while working, I wanted it off. I wanted out of it. I wanted the whole “experiment over”. I wanted nothing more than to just retract every word I have said on this blog and go back into the relative hiding of “lurker status”. I wanted done with “this game”. I wanted to go back to that place where my mind wasn’t accepting. I wanted to take a nap.
I got none of those things.
But, it’s later and here I sit with it still soundly locked on (as pictured) because, for maybe the first time in my life, I did not allow my penis to win. He’s still bitter and I expect he will exact his revenge during the overnight hours, but, I will resist until I am getting on a plane tomorrow night to head to see another client for a few days.
Logical, practical me told myself that these feelings were normal and that it’s just part of the evolution of change, but, irrational me was very angry with myself for even allowing myself to have these feelings and I frankly beat myself up most of the day because of them. Taking advantage of our new, stronger, yet slightly relaxed collar off style friendship, I did call Thumper to discuss this and, like usual, he had a great point of view on the subject and helped me place some things into thought that did allow me to negotiate between logical and irrational and find the relative happy middle ground where I now sit.
First, he pointed out my day which I have incessantly complained about. Today was just an all around fucked up day for reasons that were not my fault yet out of my control. You vaguely know that I tend to speak to groups for a living. Sometimes these groups are large, but most often they are small, 20 minute sessions that have me in and out and on to the next group all lickety split like. I actually really like this method because I don’t get attached and they don’t get time for questions. It’s a win win. And, I am always in control of when, who, and the time between these meetings.
However, for today, because the travel has been insane and I have become addicted to all things kink which is wonderful yet a tad distracting, I let the client do my scheduling and did not even think to look at it until yesterday, when it was too late to do anything about it or risk losing face. To be more specific, my client let an idiot’s idiotic assistant “fill my day” and he simply divided ten or so hours (two more than planned) into 20 minute periods and scheduled away. This left me with 18 mini presentations to do today. I was furious and was able to get it down to 15 last night. However, that was the absolute lowest I could go without causing professional damage, so I decided to put my big boy chastity device on and suck it up and roll with it which I did all fucking day. What I have neglected to say here as well, is that the idiot’s idiot failed to realize that he had me going from one end of this very large, very crowded, very confusing, very cold place to the other in, say 10 minutes between each time. I mean, I have to sit to piss now. It just takes longer. So, while technically too late to say this, long story short is I was late all day and actually missed one entire group because I just could not follow the treasure map he wrote in crayon and navigate in time.
Plus, worse than anything above, I did not like the pants I was wearing today.
They were ugly and too big because I had accidentally grabbed some from last year that were me, 25 pounds ago and somehow I did not realize this until I was safely in my rental car speeding toward my first meeting – at 6am. I felt like a cross between M. C. Hammer and a clown all day. It was horrid. Fucking fat pants.
Anyway, all of these factors I chose to not even give a thought to when beating myself up for being mad until the rabbit helped point this out. How did I miss this? It makes sense because, while personal Drew is willing, and almost able, to give up some personal and sexual control, professional Drew is a tight ass mother fucker who likes order and rhythm and taking away that control is NOT an option. Until it happened. I think it was just the perfect storm for frustration.
The funny thing is, the frustration was not horniness or sexual longing, it was just about not having control. The old me would have just come to the hotel and jacked off “just because” in an effort to get some stress relief, but, again, that was not an option even though I have the key in front of me. I just know better now.
Finally, Thumper stated ANOTHER obvious fact I had also ignored because, based on our dynamics, I could just simply ask Axel of I could. What’s was he gonna say, no?
Well, I did and the return response is worthy of it’s own post later after I process it some more. Let’s just say that I think I may have created a monster.