It’s rare that I start a post without a title in my head, but, just know that whatever is up there as you read this was added later. There is something on my mind that won’t go away until I write, so I stopped my day for a few minutes to get this out before I forgot, so there is no pithy title pending, yet.
Thumper and I have somewhat “conversation loaded” this week because with the holiday here and my impending trip “down under” Friday for ten days, the luxury of face to face or voice to voice talk will be limited, which doesn’t allow a great deal of the discussions that we tend to take a deep dive into at times. That part, for me, is still just absolutely fascinating, but it’s tiring for us both because we have to then write things to make sure we can sleep at night.
So, today’s topic was related to the duality we discussed yesterday, polyamory, comments, his blog versus mine, and how bad CNN was at reporting in Ferguson last night. In reality we mixed all of those things, but my question to him was whether he thought I was being accurately portrayed on his blog based on several comments he has received and what they did to my mind. The question in my head was why is he getting the “poor Drew” or “are you two going to be okay” type comments on his blog versus mine. Of course, the main reality of that is his blog is about him and Belle, is established much more strongly than mine, and has a general audience that most likely did not come there wanting to read about a “boyfriend on the side” type of situation, etc. But, I had to ask him, and then go back and read things again from a new view, to see if I was coming across as a clingy dryer sheet or as someone who wanted more out of our growing friendship with a side of sex than him, because, I don’t. His post this morning about polyamory screamed “me/Axel, me/Axel, me/Axel” to me as well. While Axel and I understand there may be others, there will never, ever be a replacement or even a partial equal in the works. For Axel, if and when he does decide to go outside, he wants a non-committed, no conversation, zero emotion encounter. I don’t and can’t and the idea of really becoming close friends with my “side” and, gasp, even loving that “side” in the way I love my best friend, my oldest friend, or even my brother or sister, is entirely possible in my mind, but that is the “I will give you a kidney” love, not the “let’s pick out dinnerware and picket fence colors” love. It’s NOWHERE close and never, ever will be. Thumper and I are not at the kidney exchanging moment either, but, it’s entirely possible that one day we will be, who knows. Anyway, these things have been written in my blog by me and him, but I am suspecting that many do not read both, so the hints at the above that he has dropped every now and then in his may have left a negative impression? Maybe, kinda, maybe? I don’t know, but, in case they did, here we go.
I am going to ask Thumper to address this in his blog or even possibly cross post because I want the DT people to also know, from me, that many, many things have changed since that first post and while they have been covered in detail on my blog by both of us, there have only been bits and pieces in his that evidently, according to the comments, might, just MIGHT, be leaving an impression that I am coming across as weaker and/or more invested in this fuck-buddy-ship that he is. This is not true at all and while my logical side says to just ignore comments, my mental side still thinks about them and wants them to stop, for all of us.
In my first post, which I still to this day intensely regret because it made Belle uncomfortable – something I had hoped to never do (although according to Rabbit Rules, I did not edit or delete), I wrote about “claiming his ass” and other things in which almost every single one of them, including his now naked right wrist, have now changed and they changed quickly. These changes have been fantastic because there was and is the realization that he and I are both finally able to explore our weirdly deep, kinky, thought driven minds together. Yes, when I see him, the sex will still happen and it will most likely be kinky, intense, and completely directed by my Dom side toward his sub side because at those moments, when we are together, that is what we will need, have counted on and that element is why we formed our “relationship” in the first place. At the other moments, and what I think might be the missing link to some commenters, is that what neither of us counted on or maybe even thought about, and I think I suspect I can speak for him on this, is the human part outside the leather mask where we can admit anything bothering us or thrilling us about life and/or our submissive statuses at home when we need that part too. It’s funny really, because Axel and mine’s agreement was that we were free to explore “whatever we were not getting at home” and I think that was assumed, on both our parts, as just being sex to have sex, but it really is more than that, because it’s growth and learning which, frankly, make me and the rabbit both better husbands at home. It’s a win/win for all, even if he’s not in sub mode with me at all times like we thought we would want before life’s realities set in.
With regard to the aforementioned growth, Axel has already commented several times to me how happy he is because he sees it in my mood. He sees it in my new willingness to explore uncharted waters with him. He sees it in my openness regarding topics I would never discuss or pictures and texts I would have never sent to him before. He sees it in my service to him, both sexually and domestically. I think I have said this in one of the blogs, but Axel, by profession and education, is a mental health professional who watches everything in everybody and hears things in a day that would make most of us wet our pants, so when he says these things, I tend to listen (although, as a side note, be warned about marrying a therapist because even your fight with Comcast can turn into a “what caused you to react that way?” moment – just an FYI). Thumper is now a common word in our home because the intrinsic value of all the learned things is paying off (Hell, if our sex gets any better Thumper may be receiving gifts from Axel – just another FYI) and I think they will wind up Facebook friends one day, just because and I will be absolutely fine with that. It doesn’t mean that will be tomorrow or that they will ever see each other naked either. It’s just what it is. In the reverse, I have more ground to make up with Belle, but who knows too. Life is just weird enough to never say never, but none of this is the focus at the moment.
That focus is simply the evolution of a friendship with benefits where I get to see his sparkly metal genitals and he gets to see a needle put through mine. So, the bottom line: Drew is happy, dear commenter. He’s happy, content and excited about learning more about himself, the bunny, and everything that goes with those things. Please do not worry, and please do not post again on such subjects, all is well on the set of the Thumper and Drew stage show (and at both their houses).