I am a Double Gold Star Gay. At least, according to the Urban Dictionary.
What that means is that 44 something years ago, I was a large baby and, even in-womb, I didn’t quite fit in, so I was delivered by c-section. And, as I might have said in previous posts, I have never even been within five feet of a naked woman. Add those two together and by technical standards, I’ve never touched a vagina – having never come out of one and having certainly not going back in.
So, by definition, that makes me a Double Gold Star Gay, or DGSG as we, the exclusive, like to be called.
Now, why does this matter? Well, it really doesn’t, but it’s a great way to start a post as, today, out of the blue, I decided I wanted to blog about vaginas. The V word. The scary, scary V word we DGSG’s have run from our whole lives- literally since before birth.
You see, ever since I met the benevolent bisexual bunny, I have had a newfound outlet for questions about those lady parts unknown and what one actually does with them. Through the years, my friends have all been drawn to them. Thumper seems excited about them when he writes about “the moistness” and “going in and out, and in and out” (eww). People even sing songs about them, as I realized horribly as an 11 year old boy singing “Sugar Walls” out loud in the car one day with my grandmother driving.
I have been pussy challenged. I admit that. However, being the inquisitive boyfriend on the side I am and seeing how that place below was of such interest, I decided weeks ago that I wanted to know more.
Thumper has been a wonderful teacher – he often sends me pictures, diagrams, and the occasional video clip.
In return, I randomly ask him questions about where one might grab, what’s inside, and why one of these things does not look like the other. And, on a few occasions, I have had to fight my natural urge to vomit when he describes smells, textures, and why one should think “oysters”, but, like a good DGSG with a mission and a designer shirt not wanting to be tainted, I have held down my lunch like a big boy and opened my mind to that dark, moist place.
Why this post? Who the fuck knows.
But, today was a good day. In fact, it wound up being one of the best professional days I have had in months as the stars aligned and the corporate return on the investment in me was realized in a grand way. However, during the middle of being accoladed for the work I have done, my mind suddenly started thinking about sex – straight sex. Holy fuck. Like man on woman sex. There were even breasts. That has never happened. Ever. And, yes, I do blame the bunny 110 percent. It’s all his fault.
So,instead of enjoying my moment, I started giggling to myself about how weird life is and how wide my eyes have been opened by this relationship in ways I never dreamed – or even fucking wanted to dream about. For fucks, sake, yesterday I even reviewed a book about Female/male domination on Amazon that I had bought AND read (fyi, it’s a great collaboration of erotic stories by the lovely Ferns – buy it, ’cause it’s good enough, even for gay men’). What is happening?
I have to tell you, for years, Axel has known how to make me leave a room just by simply using some of the words I have already listed above describing his high school encounters. And, now, I am writing a post about the P word I couldn’t even say six months ago? Life. Is. Weird.
Are people going to start calling me, bi, or even worse, straight? I cannot handle another duality in life. I just can’t. And I won’t. Thumper will not convert me, despite the fact that Twitter promised him a toaster. He does not need toast that badly.
However, the sweet spot of this post and my inter-head pussy related riot today, is that I realized I have been a bit one sided in my sexual thinking, all my life – although my DGSG card does allow that, fyi – and I am very happy to be breaking out of the exclusivity of male genitalia – at least in my head, because it’s going to make me better in how I relate to the world, to women, and those straight men who fuck them.
It’s still weird but there are so many, many questions (no volunteers, one rabbit teaching is enough for me)
Who knows, one day I may even see one in person.
From across the room.
Hopefully (on the across the room part).
In other news, I bought new jeans today, had a great chat with Axel, Thumper, and my Mom, and had a turkey and rocket sandwich on sourdough for lunch. Fuck, those things seem as related to this post and my blog as me talking about vaginas, so I thought I’d add them too.
P.S. – after all that, the least I can do is show you the jeans (I ate the sandwich)