This Gay Man’s Guide to Bisexuals

Adding to my lists of first the last few months, I’m now sitting here writing my thoughts on bisexuality. Gay man style.

So, it’s no secret I have a bisexual man in my life these days. When we met, I remember thinking something like “Oh cool, he can see me naked and his wife naked and be happy all the time – neat” or something equally silly. In fact, I actually remember one point in my life wishing I could identify as bisexual because, that way, I could hide “the gay”, marry a bisexual woman and the world would be wonderful while I lived with my wife in the big house with the white picket fence. Of course, said house had a gate to my boyfriend’s fabulous house on the right with the BMW in the driveway and another gate to the very practical house on the left with the Subaru in the driveway where my wife’s girlfriend lived. You know, typical suburban bliss. However, I grew up – as did my thinking.

Now, thirty years or so later I really never thought about bisexuality much except for my pure hatred of the term “bi-guy”. They were just simply “those people” who, in my mind, had somewhat of a choice in who they went to, but not in the fact that they were attracted to them.

That thinking changed almost immediately after I met Thumper because we both had that question “could you fall in love outside of your marriage” thrown at us by our spouses, friends – both online and actual, and in our own heads too. It was a natural curiosity for all and is something that happens sometimes and it really opened my eyes to start thinking. For us, the answer simply was no, because that is not how he is wired. A relationship could exist, but not one that would ever threaten either spouse because, the way I see it is, his level of bisexuality is purely about the sexual attraction and not about the “need” that I, as a gay man, have of wanting to deeply nest with another man who I also have sex with while we build a family together. He has those nesting feelings, but his are and forever will be for a woman.

As a side note, I want to make sure I clarify that a need for friendship with a man is outside either sexual parameter and was something we evidently both needed. It’s like one is the cake and is one the icing as they can both exist on their own or blend nicely together when the time is right. One is sticky. One is sweet. Oh the metaphoric journey I could go on with this, but I won’t.

I note that I know most of you already know that story, but that happened months ago and is now a non-issue with the four people involved, however I brought it up though to introduce why I have been thinking so much about this lately. As I have been attacked by a few of the Amy’s of the world, I have thought more and more about the level of unfairness everywhere. Now, some of you may disagree, but I one hundred percent believe that sexuality comes from your genes and nowhere else. I used to joke with a few of my really, really effeminate gay male friends that they “got more of the gene” than I did, but now I wonder if it really was a joke as I have met bisexuals who really do feel like they could nest with either gender. Did they get more sparkly embryonic fluid than Thumper did? Who knows. One day, when science justifies my feelings of gay by birth without question, I hope they get right to that next question.

But, here is where I want to stand up for the bisexual men and women because, I never really realized that it has to be as hard, or even harder, for you to “come out” to yourselves and others as it was for me and I apologize for being so flippant about it in my youth. A thought I have had of late is that once I was out it was, in some ways, over. I married a man, started a family, grew my life and, aside from those random professional questions of “what does you wife do?” or “what is your wife’s name?” I don’t think about it that much (as a side note, I used to get the “why don’t you and your wife have kids?” question so often that I developed the ability to get a tear in my eye when I answered about how “we tried and tried but medically it just could not happen”. I miss that question).

Anyway, there is a general lack of respect for the bisexuals and I want to do my part to change that, some how, some way. As a for instance, I told my best friend about Thumper. Yes, that involved me telling him about the open marriage thing first but I luckily didn’t have to also come out to him as “straight – but only once a month or so”. That sucks for the “bi-guy” (I disgust myself even typing it). In addition to that, I suspect many have to deal with the unjustified feelings that others may have that they “just didn’t have the courage to be all the way gay” or that they may love their opposite sex partner but not lust after them the way they would for a same sex one. That is complete bullshit because I can see a look in Thumper’s eye when he mentions Belle’s name that just shows how much he WANTS her in every way possible and how much she completes him. I also see that same look in the eye of a female friend who is bisexual but married to a man. I kid you not, I hope and pray that Axel makes those eyes when my name is discussed because we all deserve that and for anyone to even think that they made a choice of love over lust is stupid (noting that I recognize many people, gay, straight and sideways do “settle” in some way, but that’s not today’s topic).

Another myth I debunked for myself is that being bisexual and bi-curious is the same thing. I know many people who have tried sex with the same gender just to scratch a little itch and then never went back because that one tryst was all the benedryl they needed. Frankly, one day I may do it simply so I have the experience, but, for the record, only with someone who was completely in the know. For the truly bisexual, the itch doesn’t go away and for those who don’t have the courage or ability to admit it to their partners, I am sad for them.

But even for those who do admit it to either themselves for their partner, finding that right person to “help scratch” has to be hard (even for the ones who don’t have penises encased in steel) because, well, it’s a pretty unique niche and the Grindr’s and Scruff’s of the world don’t have those categories.

I have rambled here, I know, and I am sure by this point you are all expecting Sally Struthers to pop into the post to ask you to give money for the “sexually starved bisexuals”, but she’s not. I am, I guess, just asking everyone to be more aware (as I have been proven wrong before in thinking that anyone reading this would already be aware) and to always think as broad as possible as we go about our lives representing our kinks and our sexualities.

However, since I did mention Sally, I guess I should close with something like, “if you could just lend one bisexual man your penis for just one day, you could save a marriage. Won’t you just think about it?”

22 thoughts on “This Gay Man’s Guide to Bisexuals

  1. And this week’s theme to every blog out there is bisexuality.

    Ok no really, this was a nice post. Not only for us readers but you to express your feelings. It’s so great to see the change in you since you’ve met Thumper. Not that I knew you before but you’ve explained enough.

    I guess that’s all I’ve got right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wrote a novel of a comment, but then thought “jeez, I don’t know how much soapboxing Drew really wants in his comments.” Are a lady bisexual’s cranky thoughts about the connections people make between sexual/romantic style and how they’re crap the sort of thing you welcome? Or should I take my ranting somewhere that won’t raise your blood pressure? It would be absolutely legit if you were to say “Look, I really just want to talk about how much I like the bunny butt here.”

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      1. I just try to be respectful in other people’s houses, as it were.

        So, here’s my soapbox/perspective/whatever:

        I was not too long ago talking to my boy about a bisexual friend of his, and when I used the term “heteroromantic” it blew his mind. In discussing it with him, I realized that a lot of my beliefs about people who identify as heteroromantic/homoromantic involve not giving people agency to separate out their feelings about their sexuality from their feelings about society. Maybe it has an effect on them, or maybe, shocker, they know themselves better than I do and know what they need. In most cases, I can’t possibly know, and it’s just as bullshit of me to make assumptions about sexual/romantic desires and how they’re connected as it is for the people who assume that they’re always completely intertwined.

        I’m a bisexual (or even pansexual, though the word just grates across me like nails on a chalkboard for some weird reason) biromantic woman, but to say that I have an equal physical/romantic attraction to men and women all the time, my entire life, is to miss out on enough nuance as to be almost completely wrong. I’ve actually been letting some of my feelings over the Purple debacle percolate, and one of the things that gets me the most about it is that people make assumptions about the connection of romantic preferences/desires/needs and sexuality that just aren’t necessarily there. I’ve had open relationships and poly relationships in the past, but I’ve also been monogamous.

        So when Purple shows up and is like “I’m here to learn about bisexuality for my book!” I had to take time to figure out why that made me mad. It’s this: people on all sides of the fence tell others that bisexuals are ruled in their behavior by their bisexuality. I don’t know if you noticed, but one of the bits of crap in his post was that his bisexual character was in danger of cheating on his wife (I noted too, that it was cheating and almost destroying the marriage, not hey we should talk about what’s going on, maybe even discuss opening the relationship), because the cock! And that’s a thing that happens, because bisexuals can be cheating assholes too, but that’s the way I hear non-bisexuals describe us all the fucking time. Even though I’m a rabidly loyal partner who will stick to my agreements with my partners, including monogamy if that’s what we agree on, people will believe that because I’m capable of wanting to sleep with men and women that I will obviously behave in a way that gives me access to both. And so of course, when they’re “researching bisexuality” they look for stories of people who are actively sleeping with both, not looking up resources specifically run by bisexuals to educate all people and support other bisexuals in all our varied lives.

        It’s equally unfair of people to make snap judgements about romantic style based on that and say that clearly the two of you are going to catch feels and run off into the sunset, because what Thumper has always wanted is to be with a male romantic partner because bisexuality! Even though he himself has stated that he has no desire to have a male romantic partner, comments have repeatedly been made showing that people can’t divorce the two ideas. That must be incredibly frustrating.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I largely agree with you, especially with regard to the notions of separating sexual attraction with romantic attraction. That’s the very bit that took me the longest to understand about myself because, as a young person, there was no internet, no way for me to connect with people like myself, no platform upon which to work out what I was thinking and feeling, and *no role models* to look towards. The idea that we could have strong sexual attractions to those we could not have romantic attachments to (at least, not the kind you build relationships upon — I feel a strong affection towards Drew) was totally alien. It wasn’t until Belle came along and I fell so obviously in love with her that I was able to move forward. It’s not that I figured it out, it’s because I so badly wanted to be with her and make kids so the other kinda didn’t matter so much at the time.

        Regarding the fucked up notion that bisexuals can’t keep it in their pants and of course would cheat, etc., I AM SO WITH YOU but felt there were bigger fishes to fry with Purple than that.

        Also, as Drew said, while they never declare a gender, for some reason I read them as a woman from the start.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for the comment. You make great points. The thing that jumped out at me most was that you thought Purple is male. Both Thumper and I think Purple is female and had a weirdly long talk about that. Thanks again.

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    1. I suspect that it’s less that it sounds male to me than that I didn’t assume one way or another. Probably, the fact that I defaulted to assuming male is problematic in some way, but I can’t be so enlightened as to make everyone else look bad, right? Re-reading it, I still have no opinion of the person’s gender.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “if you could just lend one bisexual man your penis for just one day, you could save a marriage. Won’t you just think about it?”

    I can do that! All of my cocks are in a dresser drawer… but that still counts, right? No? Fuck me.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. > For the truly bisexual, the itch doesn’t go away

    I’m not even sure there is a “truly bisexual”, that comes dangerously close to “am I doing it right” territory. That said, all good, I think I know what you meant.

    I agree with you, the itch doesn’t go away. I want pussy. Bear knows that. And, I’ve made a choice to be with Bear, he prefers us to be completely exclusive – what am I saying, he needs us to be – and so I am. The itch is there but it’s not like it’s unbearable. As long as my sexual and relationship needs are met, I am content.

    What I think I’m saying is: Bisexual doesn’t automatically mean non-monogamous. To be monogamous or not is somewhat of a choice, one that is perpendicular to sexual orientation. Some people can be happy with monogamy, others need it, yet others could never be happy that way. Whether bi, gay, lesbian, straight, or “curious.”

    Being bi doesn’t mean “fuck anything that’s not on a tree by the count of three,” just in case someone reading this wonders. “Bi guys” that never get pussy (or dick, if the preference runs the other way) are probably quite common.
    I get that the comment about “save a marriage, lend a bi man your dick” was tongue-in-cheek. Even so, saving a marriage, if it needs saving, isn’t done by giving the bi person in it another sexual partner. After the marriage has been saved in the old-fashioned way – talk, listen, listen some more, have empathy and compassion, express and hear needs, work on fulfilling those needs – then, sure, if there’s a desire to open the marriage up, it can strengthen it further.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. (drifting over from Thumper’s)

      I love all the comments by bisexuals here! As a bi woman married to a lesbian, the way it’s worked for us so far is that we’ve discussed polyamory but it turns out that both of us are probably a lot more monogamous than we thought. So we’ve got a great thing going where we only sleep with each other–but I have a nice big collection of porn that involves dicks, and even write some of it myself. Seems to work out! I’ve known other people who have more than one partner of more than one gender, or have sometimes dated men and sometimes dated women. For now, my lovely wife is happy to have me ogle boys and come home to her. Who knows how it will end up in the future?

      Liked by 1 person

  6. As a bisexual woman, I just wanted to stop and say thank you. My sexuality is not necessarily something that I hide, but I do tend to avoid bringing it up. There are always the few people that really just don’t give a fuck, but then there are the people who either think being bisexual is lazy or “copping out” or the conservative ones that spout bible verses or praise me for over coming my “sinful desires” and marrying a man. People are people and I just love them all (mostly). 🙂

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  7. Great post Drew,

    Thank you for shedding fresh light on the subject of bisexuals. Pointing out bisexuals can have both an irrefutable preference for where they want to “nest” and a lingering itch to experience other parts of their innate sexual spectrum which are typically precluded by the former defines why I have struggled with my bisexual identity for most of my life. Whether in my mind or not, there was never a place where I fit in.

    It wasn’t until I met The Mrs. that I found a love big enough to trust and come out. I leaned heavily into her love and explained everything about how my mind and sexuality was wired, there was not a day I didn’t fear she would feel it was too much and decide to part ways despite loving me. After all it is possible to love someone but not spend your life with them.

    I deduced, there was no alternative to the risks I faced and my circumstances couldn’t have been more ideal. If what I wanted, to be accepted and enjoyed as I am was possible it was on the other side of my fears and that bridge had to be crossed for myself and because of my commitment to The Mrs. who is now my wife.

    Thanks Drew for making an unpopular stand for us bisexuals.

    TheMr920

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Whether in my mind or not, there was never a place where I fit in.

      It wasn’t until I met The Mrs. that I found a love big enough to trust and come out.

      I felt the same way for a long time. I had no relationships of any kind for several years until I met Belle. I was frozen in this in-between spot of not feeling I could get close to someone of either gender knowing this other part of me was out there and would eventually need to be fed. I couldn’t imagine being with someone who would accept me. I was wrong about that!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I still struggle to break down the walls built to insulate me from not fitting in for so long. The support I get from the Mrs is everything I’ve ever dreamed about but none of it would be possible without taking a leap of faith.

        At risk of being sappy, Thumper, you were a huge inspiration. To see your vulnerability foster the kind of openess I wanted for myself was a big catalyst to come out to my wife and not only tell her about myself but to remain open, fully exposed as I am. Only then was she able to fully embrace me.

        Liked by 1 person

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