This. Is. Not. About. Me.

So, day 16 or 17 for me, but none of that matters because it snowed in New York.

Did anyone else hear about that?

I live in a part of the country where we are sent home from work and schools close at a quarter of an inch of snow, so I really have no idea of the actual misery, but all day yesterday I found myself jealous of the newscasters and weathermen who had multiple upon multiple orgasms every time someone said the the words “blizzard” or “inches”. When CNN announced the first snowflake Monday morning, my cynical side was hooked and there is no going back to the land of respect for journalists this week.

It’s now almost 2:00 in the morning and I am up. The inherent horniness mentioned yesterday is still there and I know contributing to the state I am in, but tonight it’s simply the dog down the street who barks at air, our really fancy dishwasher downstairs that is so proud of itself when it finishes that it beeps every 10 minutes to tell you (if anyone knows anyone at Bosch, please ask them which wire to cut because there is not off switch) and, most importantly, Axel, who I can tell had a very stressful day today because he is counseling one of his clients out loud in his sleep about something that was/is very painful to her. He will go to sleep and then say something out loud in a sleepy, muddled voice like “why (name), what do you think that solves?” followed a few minutes later by the wonderful words “fuck”, “fuck”, “shit” – it’s like sleep counseling with a side of Tourette’s and I can’t just shake it off tonight.

Now, it’s 7:00am and, having fallen asleep while writing the above, I am now refreshed and pissed off at the same time. This week is my last week of relative peace as I am not traveling and working from home before the international part of my job kicks in starting Monday, so this gives me much more time to think and process which, may not be good. I say that because this morning when Axel left, I thought, “fuck, he did not mention one word to me last night or this morning about me being horny and not being allowed to touch myself. God damn, it’s like he just doesn’t even care.”

Even in my energized state, that caught my own attention as a red flag because that is not me and I do not think like that 99 percent of the time. In fact, while Thumper may argue, I am one of the least selfish people out there so I shocked myself. But, the very first thing that popped into my head following that was something like “fuck, Drew, go back to what you know and what you have said, what Thumper has said to you, and what he wrote yesterday…”

This. Is. Not. About. Me.

That is an incredibly hard concept to get and I want to ask those of you who have been in this situation when, and even if, that reality really just kicks in and becomes the law in your head? I know for a fact that I will likely struggle with that long term because of the nature of who I am outside this house and, maybe even more importantly, who I was before within it.

So, today, between conference calls and writing I have to do, I plan to do what I can to make Axel smile when he gets home. I know that will be clean sheets on the bed, a spruced up laundry room, and I will likely sneak up to his office and steal his car to go have it washed before bringing it back and parking it in the same place (fyi, that is about 80% for me because I cannot stand a dirty car).

I seriously doubt that this will lead to sex, or at least climaxing sex for me, when he gets home because he’s made it clear to me that he does intend to keep the goal of after when I am with Thumper next (T minus 50 something hours…) although I also have a sense, or maybe a hope, that he’s just fucking with me too.

I have another post in my head regarding the switch side of me and how I am actually using this for MY advantage when I am next breeding the bunny (to THOSE commenters, it just sounded good, in no way does that imply unsafe anything) as this energy will likely help him experience something new to us both.

Stay tuned…

5 thoughts on “This. Is. Not. About. Me.

  1. “…our really fancy dishwasher downstairs that is so proud of itself when it finishes that it beeps every 10 minutes to tell you (if anyone knows anyone at Bosch, please ask them which wire to cut because there is not off switch)…”

    THANK YOU. What the serious fuck is up with that? Ours does the same thing. Why in the name of all that’s decent and good would I buy a dishwasher that’s nearly silent only to have it beep incessantly!? For fuck’s sake.

    “I thought, ‘fuck, he did not mention one word to me last night or this morning about me being horny and not being allowed to touch myself. God damn, it’s like he just doesn’t even care.'”

    Denial and chastity are hard little kinks to deal with because unlike a lot of sex play, it ends for one partner when they go off and have a day but it rarely ends for the other partner. Ever. There is no secret except to live in that place where you can embrace the domination over this part of you you’ve given to someone else. To find a way to get off on the not getting off and find a way to enjoy your denial *all by yourself*. To only let the positive part of the frustration energize you and remember they *do* care but they’ve just neglected to remember what’s happening with you for whatever reason. I don’t think it’s wrong to help them remember, but not to say what’s possibly going through your head.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. First let me say I do love the way you share, you rock. Second let me say, I do hope Axel holds you to the goal that it appears, he set and you agreed to, you need to realize you can set and reach a goal besides its only another 50 hours. (I could say something like “suck it up buttercup” but that would be mean…0:-) and I’m not that mean…and if my huby is reading shush!nope!nada!zipit!) Trust me the wait (and longer waits to come) are worth it in intensity of the release and in the intensity it will build in the relationship between the three of you, maybe that should be the four of you Belle’s stake and say is important here too.

    As for Axel not mentioning how horny you are and not being able to touch, don’t read too much into it, He simply is not obsessing on it in the same way as you are right now or, at least he is not showing it. There is every possibility that Axel is just as aware you haven’t shot in 17 days and is getting as big a wood about it as you but isn’t letting you know it, because, well it is part of the fun to watch you squirm. Being the first time the lack of orgasm is out of your control and at his control, and perhaps even to a tiny bit at Thumpie’s discretion, you are now hyper aware of your hornniness and un accustomed to it. …um at risk of being mean again I could say….

    Ahh the inherent hornniness of a couple of weeks of orgasm denial… yep it can do strange things, yep it can make you think differently and feel differently…and yes, being ONLY at day 16/17 it will get worse before it gets better. Being the first time you’ve gone this long without orgasm but while really wanting one, you probably will not have found or even be aware of the “sweet spot” some guys get where they go from insanely intense horny to almost zen calm. That zen of course is easily shattered by various things, but it fairly easily recovered until the moment of release and the roller coaster starts again. As you cycle through denial, climax, crash, and build up, a few times you will learn to ride the roller coaster and use the energy to your advantage, and Axel’s advantage and Thumpie’s advantage. It will be a wild ride. Hang on and enjoy it.

    Many of us who hand over the keys, have said to the ones we share this with, “This is Not About Me” hmmm yes and no. Maybe we should think of it as “This is Not Just About Me”. We may think we put our partners and playmates ahead of ourselves by our denial vs. their pleasure but, there is something about it that is for us. We give something to them and we take something from it as well or it won’t work. This needs to be recognized too. You need to figure out just what it is that is for You and then own it.

    And again im really not mean but um Suck it up Buttercup (and again and if my hubby is reading shush!nope!nada!zipit!)

    oh and by the way one day you will hear “I’m cumming and you’re not going to,” and that little voice in your head will say “’effen SWEET!!!,” it might even be your outside voice you hear. Honest, it will happen. The second that happens, for that moment …it was about you. 🙂 enjoy getting there.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You can shut off the incessant beeping. Drove me f’ing crazy on both of my bosch dishwashers until I figured it out. Hit the Drain/Cancel button and hold it until the led blinks then turn the power button on. Dumb-ass chime is now off. Your model might be a little different. Google it as it is a “hidden” function.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m with mutt: “Maybe we should think of it as “This is Not Just About Me””

    I know the “sub angst” you’re feeling all too well. You and Axel will figure out how to deal with it. There are things you need to make this work. The trick is finding out what those are. You probably need to feel wanted and desired, from what you wrote. Getting your needs filled is valid. At the same time, that doesn’t mean Axel has to comment on you being horny all the time.

    That 2-week mark is rough. Forget competing for “longest time without orgasm” silver medals, around 2 weeks is one of those stormy spots. I’m in it myself right now, and what I do when the desire for pleasure becomes seemingly unbearable is to tell myself that I am horny and frustrated, with a raging hard-on, and Bear is sated, and that’s how it should be. Find a little story to tell yourself that puts you in your happy spot, and repeat it to yourself when you feel frustrated.

    And do figure out what Axel can do to help. Over here, as you know, what we came up with is that I serve breakfast in the morning, naked and kneeling, and Bear takes a second or two to fondle my balls. Sometimes less than a second. It’s about taking a moment to be in that D/s relationship, every day. Now you guys can’t do that exact thing, because you travel so much. I’m sure between the two of you you can come up with something. Rituals help, immensely.

    Liked by 2 people

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