Another middle of the night post from me. I went to bed with Axel but after two Big Bang Theory reruns I was just not sleepy, so I quietly slipped out and here I am a few hours later downstairs watching it snow, which in itself is a very odd thing in the deep South.
I think I have told you (or at least probably given you the impression) that since I have been back from the other side of the world, I have felt very “disconnected” from everything and almost everyone. I haven’t talked much to Axel, Joe, Stella, or even Thumper and I don’t like any of those facts. How dare they all have jobs and hobbies that make them not available to entertain me on a snow day! Of course, I do know that ninety nine point nine percent of this has to do with the fact that I am not running at 174% like I tend to do from about March to December and that is just hard for someone like me to adjust to. I am competitive to a fault and very work driven, so the idea that other people are working harder than I am is just driving my type A side incredibly nuts.
Also, this disconnection has caused a bit of strife between Axel and myself as our ebbing and flowing Dom/sub relationship has been just sitting there, right in the middle of the room, for a few days, and neither one of us wanted to really participate in it or talk about it for fear that the other would think we were blaming them for the current ebbing-ness.
However, tonight we talked.
What’s funny is our separation of current kinkiness actually boils down to our competitive sides as well. As I mentioned, I am competitive, but compared to me, Axel, who was a baseball player all of this life until the incident a few years ago, makes me look like I am the most passive man in the world competition wise. He is the sweet, kind therapist with the giant brown eyes that makes you want to tell him your soul, but he would knock an old lady down if he thought she was going to earn and extra point by getting across the street before him.
So, tonight as we talked, we realized that as I have grown even more comfortable with things through this blog and new friends I have met he has been doing the same thing through his channels and learning so much as well. However, for both of us, that has meant that we have been introduced, in some ways, to a world where we are both the “newbies” and in both of our heads we have been trying to keep up with the really kinky Jones’ next door and/or trying to model our kink side of the relationship after couples, gay and straight, who live completely different lives to us. There is no way that we would ever be those people simply because of dynamics. We were afraid to fail at being who we could not ever be, so we both retracted and stared at each other until tonight when a bit of big warm blanket and candlelight found us opening up Pandora’s box yet again.
We talked about the couples we know and, not surprisingly, we figure we will wind up like Thumper and Belle in the fact that the element is there, but it’s not going to be the first thing we discuss when we walk into a room and that husband and husband time will almost always far outweigh the husband and object time. He did admit to having a few very specific fantasies that we are going to explore, but we have decided that for some things we are just going to have to be that couple that will schedule things and block whatever few hours work on our joint calendars for play and no longer just rely on us catching each other in the right mood at the right time ( I can’t wait to create a new code for my assistant. I laugh because Thumper lives near a a worldwide known medical center so when I block my days to see him I just put the city and “BLOCK” so I know she suspects I have a dreadful disease – however it keeps her from ever asking why or where.)
That said, that play time I have decided is something I don’t want to know anything about in advance which, as you might suspect, KILLS me, but will also give me an element of surprise where I don’t build up expectations of how this will work or that, etc. This, we hope, will allow him to build his self confidence as a dominant figure slowly and methodically without me having time to really think enough to constantly top from the bottom. For the record, I have decided to try this in reverse with Thumper, because I am, frankly, too guilty of scripting in my head and then beating myself up for it not happening perfect when in reality I should just literally be beating him.
We also made some other very basic specific rules about what he’d prefer I wear when it’s just us in the house (basically running tights because he likes my legs), what he may or may not want up my ass, as well as basic domestic responsibilities he wants me to handle. In addition, we pretty much finalized our chastity agreement and set the ground rules on how we will handle this when I get the metal device and travel. For now, until it arrives, I have a really nice Gear Essentials cock ring that “he better not catch me anywhere and anytime without it being on” as this will set the stage for me to become used to something always wrapped around my junk and having someone watching to make sure it’s there. When the device does arrive, I will list those ground rules out as I will be publicly accountable for that as well.
After that, we discussed fitness and I was able to get him to tell me exactly what he wants my body to look like (within reason knowing that he knows my limits and genetics). I like to please, but just working out because it makes him happy has never done it for me. This was one of the hardest things to do for him because he thought he was going to hurt my feelings (as a husband). He said things like “I want your arms more cut here and here” and “I’d like you to work to get your ass as tight as it was 18 years ago” and a few more specific things- I know it sounds very dick-like when taken out of context, BUT, that is what I need to know and have wanted him to say so long so I know what to exactly work toward to make him happy, just because. Frankly, as he said those things, I got aroused like I have not in weeks.
And, speaking of fitness, Thumper has tweeted a link or two to a group he and I are using to track workout points and Axel has joined is in there too, mainly to watch me, but I know his competitive side will kick in very soon, which is a life distraction he frankly needs. All are welcome here so let me or Thumper know if you are interested.
Finally, we talked a bit about the loneliness factor of our lives with me gone so much and decided to just channel that, as much as possible, into getting ourselves better for each other and the relationship and adding, when possible, some of the kink areas into my travels so that we can feel more connected. It’s funny how that part works because he hates going to bed alone – while I rather enjoy that part just because it’s on my time, but I feel the absolute loneliest eating dinner alone – while he rather likes that because he can explore his foodie side much more often since I could honestly live off cheeseburgers, pizza, diet coke and chocolate milk and be happy as a clam.
In summary, the evolution of Mr. and Mr. Duality continues, but in an oh so good, chart our own path way now.
Stay tuned for further updates.