Thumper’s Vagina Training Program

Welcome to Thumper’s Vagina Training Program (TVTP).

A place for fun. A place for knowledge.

Actually, this title started as an earlier response to a tweet I sent this morning when I woke up after a long night of dreams fueled by painkillers (I had oral surgery yesterday). One particular one was about Jerry and Elaine from Seinfeld having sex while George watched. I have no idea why my mind went here, but I laughed this morning when I realized that the “dream Jerry” had an incredible penis, a beautiful ass, and these amazing legs (unlike the real one) while “dream Elaine” had zero sex organs. Not even breasts. She was just like a plastic barbie doll. In my tweet I expressed regret at failing and Thumper responded with equal criticism:

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Now, as you know, one of the benefits of having a bipanflexible boyfriend on the side of one’s homosexual open marriage is that one has the ability to ask all of the questions one has ever wanted to ask about the working interiors of the other sex. – (and breathe) – As you also know, I am a proud Double Gold Star Gay, so I have never been in or out of a vagina and have been relying on Thumper to teach me things. He’s done a fine job, especially considering he only has a real live penis a few times a quarter. As an example of his teachings, just Monday night he posted a nice video on a private page we share together that had audio instructions and a perfectly shaped real live finger going in and out and in and out of what some, but not me, might call a pretty vagina. I was very proud of myself for watching it. Twice. This pride comes from personal growth as I now, thanks to Thumper, knew what holes were for what and where one’s h-spot might be. Wait, is it g-spot? It’s still so confusing.

Nevertheless, he’s taught me “real real good”.

In exchange I often used to fight my gag reflex (but now don’t) and post other pictures of lady sex parts and men sitting on them for him to enjoy even if I don’t know fully why. It’s this mutual respect thing that comes with the boyfriend agreement, page 73.

These things, combined with a trip with him vibrator shopping, made me feel very enlightened and very proud to share my new knowledge with my single and double gold starred friends. But not the silver ones. They are on their own.

Then, it happened. I FINALLY had a sex dream about a woman. A TV woman at that.

However, in my dream She. Had. No. Sex. Parts. – Why The Face?

What had we done wrong? Was I too busy admiring his bisexual bunny tongue and missed a lesson?

It’s bothered me all day because I do not like regression.

All morning, I have pondered, wondering if I was still worthy of my spot in the TVTP program. Have I been that bad of a student that I can’t even dream right?

And then it hit me (and frankly how these two things actually relate I am stretching), I really rarely even think about sex parts, talk about them, or face them (except on Axel’s birthday).

I think I am a prude.

Yes, a prude indeed when it comes to saying the words. I think about the man with the penis or the woman with the vagina, but I often stop myself from thinking about THE penis or THE vagina or, worse, THE ASS of either.

I blame my Mother. I grew up not being able to say these words. We did not even use the proper words for toilet functions. Fucking WASP family.

Ironically, I am blaming the woman who now, in her old age, can recite the oral sex scene from 50 Shades of Grey over breakfast without even blushing, or so I think since I technically didn’t see her from my balled up position underneath the table rocking back and forth while she used words like ball gag and whip.

As a further lesson, I have gone back and read some of Thumper’s posts about the dildos or plugs he has in his ass, his tongue in the pussy, or my finger deep in his ass with awe because he just says these things so openly and proudly. I mean, I know he’s from California and that’s what he grew up doing in the Land of Fast Sex, Farrah Faucet, and the Brady Bunch, so I give him extra points, but that stops now. Get this, he once even wrote about taking a plug out of his ass mid run and then putting it back in while in his driveway. His driveway. I have seen it and it’s not in a forrest or surrounded by 8 foot walls.

God damn I want to have that Thumper openness.

So, from here on, if I want to talk about something in or on my ass, I will.

If I want to talk about how I plan to insert my penis into Thumper’s ass after pulling a drippy, hot, slick plug out of his gaping hole, I will.

If I want to talk about exactly where I want the bisexual bunny tongue to go, I will do that too. Actually, I will do that now. In my ass, Thumper. In. My. Ass.

No more prudish thoughts or words from me. I might even use the word spunk – just because. Better yet, I might even tell you that when I create said spunk I will roughly wipe it all over Thumper while he is bound without a choice and because his penis is confined in its metal penile chamber. Who knows, although I do know that using the words roughly wiping, confined and chamber are whimper worthy, right?

So now I vow to dream about more women and give then pussies and titties (I am such a gay man that my Macbook just autocorrected that to “kitties” about 27 times) and in said dream I may even touch them with my tongue. It will be wild.

And, with that, I have now completed Chapter 14 of the Thumper Vagina Manual, soon to be on Amazon at a deeply discounted price.

Seriously, while I do naturally find myself drawn to Thumper’s writings, I want to actually commend him on being able to write all of these things in such a way that you don’t feel creepy reading it. I mean no disrespect to other authors, but as I now reside in the Twitter-verse and in WordPress-ville, some of what people write is just downright gross to the reader because they, while perhaps great writers, lack the ability to fine tune grossness into an informative, yet slightly erotic passage by finessing the tone in the manner that he is able to do so well.

So, rabbit, thank you for putting it all out there to teach other up and coming smut writers how to do it.

I’ll give you something extra special next time I see you.

Wait, wait, I promised I would make a step toward explicitness, so, how about, next time I see you I will place my fully erect penis inside your anal cavity? Grrrrrrrrrrr. Right?

12 thoughts on “Thumper’s Vagina Training Program

  1. Gawd. *laugh* When I first read the title, I was like, “What, exactly, is Thumper training vaginas to DO?” I was picturing some sort of snatch bootcamp. So glad that’s not the case. 😛

    And I’m pretty sure Elaine does not have lady parts, so no worries on the dreamgurl. Though why George, as opposed to Kramer? Hmmm…

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      1. When I think of Elaine, I think of exclamation points! And sponge-worthiness!! 😛

        With George… Shrinkage. o_O

        Kramer’s creep factor was, I suspect, just an after-effect of too much hair product. 😉 At least he was an “ass man” once; that works in his favor. Though I gotta say… I can’t really picture him naked. Definitely a poofy-haired blow-up doll.

        Serenity now!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Too funny!

    Much needed humor after the drama that today was.

    Either you’ve finally cut loose or you’re pain meds are still working. Regardless, I’m expecting and looking forward to your posts being much less pc!

    As a bi guy, it’s hard to imagine a healthy sex organ that’s not attractive in some way…

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      1. Eh, I like genitals, but as a part of the whole body, even in porn. I find that too much close up of genitals (or tits, or butts) makes me feel like I’m looking at wiki pictures demonstrating “The Penis (fig 1)”.

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  3. “As a further lesson, I have gone back and read some of Thumper’s posts about the dildos or plugs he has in his ass, his tongue in the pussy, or my finger deep in his ass with awe because he just says these things so openly and proudly. I mean, I know he’s from California and that’s what he grew up doing in the Land of Fast Sex, Farrah Faucet, and the Brady Bunch, so I give him extra points, but that stops now. Get this, he once even wrote about taking a plug out of his ass mid run and then putting it back in while in his driveway. His driveway. I have seen it and it’s not in a forrest or surrounded by 8 foot walls.”

    In my defense, re: plug/driveway, I was between the grill of my truck and the garage door and not standing in the middle of the driveway with my jogging shorts down around my ankles.

    Re: Writing about those things. That’s a multifaceted subject.

    One aspect is actually writing about them in the first place. I admit that sometimes it has been hard but I push myself to be as open and honest as I can on the blog. Even Californians of a certain age were socialized to be averse to saying certain things about themselves and it’s only by putting them out there in all their glory that I can reclaim them as acts of pleasure and rip off the accumulated guilt and embarrassment we’ve been conditioned to feel from enjoying them. It’s a kind of therapy for me.

    However, some people’s hotnsexy is other people’s hotnnasty. There’s nothing wrong with those people for not getting off on what gets me (or anyone) off and there’s nothing wrong with me (or you or anyone) for not getting off on what gets them off. I tend to not comment, encourage, or even discourage those things when I see them and hope they’ll refrain similarly towards me. We have altogether too much guilting and shaming around sex and sexuality and pleasure in our culture, even today. I may find some things even distasteful, but I hold my tongue.

    Writing about all this creatively and in an appealing way is just frosting on the cake. Some can, some can’t. I read some blogs about sex and the words they use to describe things and I just melt with admiration and jealousy at how effortlessly they flow and emote. Sometimes, I think I’m pretty good, other times just passable. I have heard from people who have said my thing isn’t theirs but they like reading my accounts in any event. I don’t know what to do with that except to thank them.

    The recently late and quite great David Carr said, “Keep typing until it turns into writing.” There really is no better advice than that. Writing makes writing better. Also, reading. I’ve found reading a lot makes writing better, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the response. No need to defend on the driveway, I am still in awe as I am the one who will shut the bathroom door to even get the plug out of the drawer – even if I am home alone.

      You are very right about hot is in the eye of the individual.

      As for your blog, you are too modest, my friend. It’s always spot on and very well thought out, even after it went all, you know, gay.

      Like

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