Today I have been in a foul mood. Foul actually does not even begin to describe it.
In reality, aside from the sudden death a friend’s mother which really kinda killed me, the day wasn’t awful.
It was a travel day. Everything was on time and I got upgraded twice.
But, today, I found myself “unsettled”. I put that in quotes because it meant different things to me all day. I got mad at some people for no reason. Got my feelings hurt by others for nothing more than what they typically do. Picked fights with those I love. And irritated others by just doing and saying stupid things to them.
I am out of sorts in an odd, unsettled way. It’s hormonally similar to when I went through menopause (see past post), but not nearly as strong.
Then, tonight it hit me. I think it’s because I had an orgasm last night that was out of my control.
Meaning, I had waited almost three weeks for it and, it only happened because Axel both allowed it and caused it. If you read the last post, you know that he got me off my his hand which has never happened in 17 years. This was amazing in one sense that it could happen and, at the moment, was also amazing because I shot like never before.
However, in hindsight, that moment actually hurt a bit and I did not get to enjoy it really. Also, it happened without my input. All that time and I also didn’t feel the same “events” that my left hand and I have felt for 40 something years. It was an absolutely foreign experience in sensation. Plus, today I have that, “fuck, now we start over” in an all encompassing feeling.
So, I ask, is this something you have felt too? Thumper and I just didn’t connect today for me to ask this, which apparently hurt my feelings or pissed me off or made HIM mad at me or caused complete ambivalence – at least in how my mind was processing today. It was something along the lines the way that the flight attendant not taking my drink order was all about her hating me in my mind; however, tonight we briefly chatted and he thinks I am on to something. Hopefully we will talk talk in the next day or two, but, for lack of any better phrasing, it’s as if I feel less “manly” because my moment was controlled.
Yes, I know I want that. I know I need that. But, for those of you who have been there, am I off base with that?
Oddly, or perhaps out of mental compensation, I don’t know if I have ever been so horny. If I were with Axel now he’d be so serviced and pleased that he would be singing. If Thumper was here, there would be a steel tube shaped indention in the sheetrock of the hotel room wall.
Luckily I am somewhere where there is nobody pretty.
It’s a mental mess but not one I really want to change, just more understand and/or better protect myself for in advance next time.
So, for those of you who are in similar denied places, what are your thoughts?