It’s been a few days since I posted my writings to the orgasmically controlled asking about the various emotions and the waves of feelings that were foreign to me in the twenty four or so hours that it had been since Axel and I had our “moment”.
That was a bad day; however, in hindsight there were several other factors that I did not allow myself to really think about that played into things as well. I got some great responses that really did help me understand the ways other guys also have to process these feelings either during a long term denial period or when one is suddenly over and a new one begins. Several things stood out about those emotions and the sensitivities which I mentioned and, as I often do, after I wrote the post, I went to bed and woke up the next day in a much better place.
Thumper responded to the post with this ditty:
Orgasm after denial is heady stuff. Not to be trifled with. Lots of playing with brain chemistry that wasn’t necessarily designed to be played with that way. Not bad, necessarily, but worthy of respect.
With this, he absolutely nailed it for me, specifically about the brain chemistry. I am the kind of man who one might call a worrier. I am quite jovial, not depressed ever, and for anyone except myself, I can see great things on the silvery side of the cloud. However, when it comes to myself, I am, and always have been, a worse case scenario guy in my head and ONLY in my OWN head. I could close a huge deal at work and be the number one in revenue guy (which, fyi, I am) and if my phone were to ring out of the blue showing it was the lead partner of my firm calling, my immediate, almost instant thought is “fuck, is he calling to fire me?” That is a flash, an instant moment that goes away before I can say “hello XXX”, and doesn’t last for than that second – unless there is some prolonged work, life, or other drama that has me in a knot inside and out and, in those cases, I can screw myself into the ground over and over again creating wild stories in my head where I am always the loser. I know this about myself and how to focus myself, and I think this is something I will learn to do as well when I don’t have access to my penis and ejaculations.
That said, many years of therapy and one pill a day keeps that under check for me. It never makes it stop, because that is how I am wired, but I can shut it down now, almost, before it starts. I tell you all of this in a way to let you know that I now recognize the ejaculation as a release of hormones that can fuck with your brain, because, for me, it felt like I had missed a dose or two of my Zoloft.
Finally, this morning, Thumper and I were able to block an hour this morning and we had one of our video talks that, in some ways, helps clear my soul a bit even though we are just talking about stupid shit like earthquake insurance, people who drive Prius’ (or is it Pri-i??), or baseball ninety percent of the time – although we often talk about Belle, his kids and Axel and possible impending job change (that he called me tonight to tell me he is going to do (another reason I am up at midnight).
And, of course,we talk about my crazy mother.
Now, be warned, somewhere in the snowy hinterlands where the rabbit is now reading this (unless it’s already Spring when he actually does read this one), he is going to roll his eyes and call me a 13 year old girl, but these type talks tend to ground me and make me appreciate the unique sexually active friendship he and I have. Today we had the talk I wish we could have had on Monday morning because everything he said to me about orgasm denial, his feelings, my acceptance or lack of acceptance of it, was just spot on and made me proud to have given Axel the (right now imaginary) key to my cock.
A particular phrase he chastised me about (see what I did there?) was about me using a line saying I felt less “manly” because I could not or did not have any say or feel in how I was allowed to come. He called me to task on that and, my phrasing was off, because nothing is more manly than ejaculation by default anyway. He helped explain to me why, in some ways, I was more than a typical man because I now knew not only what I wanted, but what I needed.
I believe he will be writing a post on this soon, or even attached to this one, so there will be more of this coming. – no pun intended.
So, bottom line, I am happy again and feeling proud to have taken this step with Axel and look forward to sharing it more with you as we evolve as a couple.