As I often do, I am sitting in a room full of professionals thinking about sex. My recent sex, especially. Yes, I am at my thrice annual company wide staff meeting that basically means I sit for three days with about 90 of my colleagues and listen to ugly men in bad suits tell me how I can be better. So, my mind tends to wander and today it’s wandering to Thumper’s ass, my penis, his bisexual bunny tongue and, probably most importantly, what I plan to do with Axel on Sunday when I get home.
This is always a rather lonely meeting anyway for some odd reason and it’s made worse by the fact I had such a great time with my boyfriend which makes me miss my husband. Plus, where Axel and I live, a rare Southern winter storm has dumped about 7” of snow which means that he is absolutely grounded at home. The city of over a one and a half million people just stops and doesn’t go anywhere. At all. I love that when I am there and am just fucking jealous that I am missing it (and him, of course).
This afternoon my mind is jumping around about twelve different places. Luckily almost all of these, aside from what I plan to have for dinner tonight, are sexually charged kinky little caves filled with sexual energy, pride, and dogged determinedness.
Above, I said that a great day with Thumper is making me miss Axel. When I first wrote that I was rather taken aback by it because it sounded “wrong” or sounded odd, but, it’s amazingly true and is something I am not sure anyone who has not been in the same positions as Thumper, Belle, Axel, and myself can understand.
I say this because this week with Thumper I did things. Good things. Dirty things. Bad things. Nice things. Sweet things. Nasty things.
He even described part of our time as a “world class fucking”. I know they are just words, but that phrase just made me feel like the big lion on the hill and, it was really nice NOT to hear them from Axel, if that makes any sense.
Axel HAS to say those things to me, Thumper does not.
To be honest, those things we did and that phrase he used gave me new confidence I frankly didn’t know I was lacking. I was walking tall when I left him and could not and still cannot wait to get home to Axel to physically share that feeling along with some of the new skills I picked up from the sexually skilled biflexipan bunny (perhaps that will be a post tomorrow while in my meeting).
I still remember many of those posts, especially at the beginning of my friendship with Thumper, that damned us to hell for “cheating” on our spouses and how they made me feel at the time. Honestly, they never really made me worry as this was and has always been above board, but I used to have a small little nagging nibble in my gut that was just likely a curiosity about what this would indeed mean for the future. Good or bad.
Now, five or six months later, I can honestly say I had no idea how great the open marriage would actually be for my marriage. The time I have had with Thumper has already made me a better husband because I am paying attention to Axel more, learning more about areas I was lacking or needing more experience in, and just knowing that the immense level of trust we have for each other is there, is working, and is helping us grow as a couple just makes my heart light up inside. Axel is also benefitting from this (although he won’t know how much until Sunday night) because he now gets the me without the nagging part of my gut that used to wonder if I would ever get to explore my fantasies, or what would happen if I put my tongue there, etc. I never realized the extent that my outside fantasies actually held me back in my marriage until I actually found the right time, place, person and guts to go out and give it a shot. I now have a new freedom I didn’t have before and, while Thumper and Axel have both played a role in it, I credit myself for it more than anything as I have finally allowed myself to let it be what it’s going to be.
Finally, as a funny aside, Axel and I made a vow this week that we would relax a bit about asking each other how we were feeling about this. I say this because typically when I am about to go see Thumper and during and post our visits, I tend to be very aware of every word he says, his tone, and his inflections because it’s still part of that “okay-ness” that Thumper and I have both talked about. I know that Thumper is also a bit more in tune with Belle during these times and vaguely remember him mentioning his friend who is also in an open marriage much longer than he and I have been saying that the “questioning” never goes away. So, all that to say that when Thumper left the other night to go home after we went to a great Thai dinner and had ice cream, Axel and I were talking about the day, the night, and dinner. He suddenly grew really quiet, had this weird tone that only a spouse would pick up on, and began giving me very short, cut little answers that are not like typical happy Axel. Of course, I “went there” and started asking him if he was okay with this and was still fine with Thumper, to which he quickly put me in my place by saying “Drew, for the fucking last time, I love the fact that you have a boyfriend. In fact, I think you have the best boyfriend you could have because he’s such an incredible guy and I am so happy that you have him in your life – actually, in our lives. Frankly, lets not go here again, but, you are right, I am not thrilled right now because every time I ask you to try Chicken Pad Thai you say no, but the first time Thumper asks you eat it for dinner? That just kinda hurts.”
So, we now know the important issues don’t we?