A question from a reader for discussion:

A regular reader who is in a growing FemDom marriage asked me a really interesting question that I have pondered for a few hours before deciding that I have no way to really answer this. It’s not that this is not something that can’t directly translate to a male/male relationship, but I simply lack the experience to give a thoughtful, thorough answer.

So, I thought I would post this here to see what some of the opinions are for him and for my educational benefit.

The question is:

Last night, the Mrs. made a late night demand for exercise. It was a tough choice for me, to work in a bit of exercise at midnight after a bit of wine and having a 5am alarm while knowing I likely wouldn’t be able to sleep afterward vs. paying for not obeying later.

I chose to exercise even though I didn’t want to because it was more important to support the Mrs as my Dom. It was a hard choice because not only did I not want to exercise but I also crave to feel submissive under the Mrs wrath!

Is it possible to feel the intensity and wrath without the cause being bad behavior? And, if so?

Anyone care to chime in to help him?

6 thoughts on “A question from a reader for discussion:

  1. I have a hard time with capricious demands like this one. We don’t have any context as to *why* she wanted him to work out right then and under those conditions. Perhaps he had made a commitment to do so earlier or something like that, but that’s not in evidence.

    Having the power to compel an action by someone else doesn’t always mean using it without meaning. Also, outside their dynamic, both the sub and the Domme need to be able to live their muggle lives. Forcing exercise at Midnight with a 5:00 alarm seem like the wrong time to utilize her power. Minimally, I’d have done it at a more reasonable hour or given him a choice to do something then or something twice as hard/uncomfortable had he choses to wait.

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  2. That’s not as tough as it sounds. It really depends on the nature of your relationship. If your mistress and you are pursuing a playtime D/S relationship, then her demand is most likely designed to either test your obedience or give you a chance to get punished. Since a request like this isn’t in the least reasonable, you have to assume it is a test of some sort. So, if you want to be punished, then ignore the order. If you want to prove you are obedient no matter how stupid the demand, then get out there and workout.

    if your D/S relationship is a lifestyle one where it goes on 24/7 (hope not given that order), then it would make sense to call a “time out” and check out what she is thinking. Playroom D/S is fine for extreme, or silly orders. Lifestyle isn’t unless it is in the context of a play session.

    I answered this seriously though I have my doubts this is a real situation. But the point still holds true: In playroom D/S it’s fine to require off-the-wall service of a bottom. But this type of demand has no real place in a lifestyle relationship unless it is punishment, which in this case, it doesn’t seem to be.

    I like reading your blog, Drew.

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  3. I think the question may actually be different – aren’t they asking “how do I feel the power exchange and her control if I don’t act up?”

    If that’s the question, then I think you feel it by daily and constant submission and taking care of her. You feel it by doing what she asks. As you get better about doing things she asks (and some before she asks), she’ll probably get more used to just telling you when she’d like something. It doesn’t have to be barking out orders (scene-based, ok, daily life, not so much), but there’s a difference between “will you please move the table” and “move the table please.” – you can still feel her dominance and the power exchange, I believe.

    You can add things too that give you that nudge. Let her know to just tell you when she’s done with something – you can go and re-arrange and such, but rather than “I’m done, could you take a minute and go fix this up for me?” she can just let you know she’s done. You know what to do. You get that little appreciation nudge of control on her part.

    So, no. I don’t think you have to act up to feel the power (I feel like that should be said with a big booming voice, “FEEL THE POWER”), in fact, that’s not very sustainable or the basis of a longer-term relationship IMHO. I think you should consider working together to lay out things that give you that indication of control in the normal course of the day.

    Just my $.02.

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  4. I’m not even going to address the exercise thing. There is not nearly enough information provided for context, and if two people can’t communicate their way through that sort of WTF timing issue, nothing I have to say would be remotely helpful anyway.

    The “wrath” thing, however, can be sorted out fairly reasonably.

    Assuming that it’s the “mean face” (as my husband calls it) that gets you (“you” being the mister in question) off, TELL HER THAT. It can be a reward, just as easily as a punishment. The thing to do is to clarify your desires so the two of you can align your expectations. And while you’re at it, set some boundaries for the when/where/what/why of control. If it interferes with your ability to function – eat, sleep, work – it’s not healthy. It could be a matter of newness (we all make mistakes) or, as cagedlion mentioned, she could be testing you (FYI, usually when I ‘test’ it’s to see if he’s willing to push back ~ the last thing I want is someone who follows blindly), but those are the basics that need to be sorted out FIRST – and revisited regularly – if D/s is going to work for your relationship.

    And P.S. If exercise is a punishment, you might want to take a hard look at that.

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  5. I read this situation as the sub is certainly being tested and wants to comply with the Doms request but the the situation also presents an opportunity to be punished for not complying which is a tempting option given the late hour and the subs like of being punished.

    The question presents a potential sticking point in new D/s relationships where the Dom’s wishes should be respected and punishment isn’t really viewed as punishment but rather a reward. Therefore it’s imperative the Dom understands and what constitutes a real punishment verses something the sub gains pleasure from.

    An example of punishment could be to refuse to be Dominant and relate to the sub as vanilla. Where a good whipping or caning could be a gift or reward for good behavior further reinforcing the D/s dynamic should it benefit this way.

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  6. These are some very interesting perspectives. As a new Dom, I have to say my personal style does not include a situation where I would have drew perform in such a way. For me, this is about exerting my control to make him a better sub husband and in turn make me happy. It is providing punishments that will correct an undesirable behavior within the confines of the relationship, and do not adversely effect life outside the home. When this is done, I am able to make my point and he gets the intensity and his craving for submissiveness is satisfied. Punishment, for the sake of punishment, especially in this manner, does not have a place around here (at least not yet).

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