First and foremost, congratulations to Thumper for his 1,000th post earlier this week. That alone is truly a fete; however, the subject of his post is one that I hope every kinkster will read, regardless of age, stage of life, or level of activity. It deals with the uncomfortable sadness that often just comes from growing up and learning about life and love, but also really touches on how those feelings can be exacerbated by guilt, shame, and loneliness when you add in a touch or two of kink and/or anything outside what we, ourselves, deem as the “norm”.
I can certainly relate to many of those feelings growing up gay and kinky and trying to figure out where and how I would fit in because I was very different in my head; however, I can’t relate to the wishing it would go away, wanting it over, or any of those things for more than a few fleeting minutes because I just didn’t think that way. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t embrace it either, especially the kink, but I just put it on a shelf that didn’t contain shame and figured I would deal with it later. Of course, THAT fact, especially if you know me, is one of the most odd things ever because I am not a patient man. I do not like to deal with things later when they can be done now and if I want something, I figure a way to get it as soon as possible. Combine that with the fact that I am also incredibly sensitive and have that side we have discussed that jumps to the darkest place possible just when an email is not returned, and you have a case study for students for years and years ahead regarding my mental states. There are days when I know I am going to be the subject of some presentation Axel is writing or presenting just by looking at the way he is watching me.
Where all of this is going though, is to tag on to Thumper’s post in an odd way of just saying that you never know where life is going to lead you and, in twenty years, how much might change so just do what you can to accept it and steam ahead.
I say this because last night I had dinner with three of my best friends, two female and one male last night, from high school after many months of staying in touch via Facebook. When were were 17 I idolized all three of these people. They were beautiful. They were smart. They were the kids at the cool lunch table and, while I was invited, I never really felt like I belonged there so I would hang back. These were the kids who were going to run the world when they were 50. I was sure of it and I was happy to ride along in their wake. They were/are all from prominent families and went to the same blazer wearing, hair cut rule setting private prep school that I did. While I never once doubted I would have a good life, I envied what they would become.
Flash forward 27 years to last night and, wow, the concrete evidence that the people we think we will be or how we think others will be when we are younger could never have been proved to be so false. First, all of them are divorced, two for the second time. None of them finished college – a fact that I do not judge them for at all, but these kids had free rides and all failed out or just walked away. They had big hair and 80’s eyeshadow and still talked about who did what to who at the basketball games on Friday night. They told tales of foreclosures, repossessions, drug addictions, sex addictions, and, worse, addictions to shopping at Walmart and on QVC. It went on and on until the realization hit me that I was the one at the table who was in a 17 year gay marriage to a dominant man who loves collars and leashes, who has a boyfriend whose wife keeps his genitals locked in steel and who I love to ask to wear plugs in his ass, and I have now taken to taking naked selfies in my car yet, yet, I was the one at the table who CLEARY had the most balanced, happy, fulfilled life of all of them. How fucking cool is that?
Of course, I didn’t share all of those details even though I wanted to, but, I also realized that last night I did not complain about one single thing in my life nor did I wish I had ANY parts of theirs, which is a far cry from how 17 year old Drew felt about these three. In some ways I think this just made me realize more about how happy I am of how things are working and how my future is so much brighter, kinks and all.