So this week I am wandering through Pennsylvania conflicted about life, work, the world, and how the stupidity of some people continue to amaze me.
Regarding life, work, and I guess the world, it’s very weird right now because they have all collided in a way that is not making me happy with any of them nor is it particularly making me angry or sad either. It’s just “unsettled” and I don’t do that well if you haven’t picked up on that already. The job is the job and it ebbs and flows as anyone who also bills by the hour understands. I am having a particularly good month, but some of my colleagues are not, thus causing all sorts of drama that doesn’t really matter to me, yet just creates email exchanges that make my stomach turn with worry at times.
The bigger issue in this category is that Axel and I are both still very, very unsettled.
I feel like I have to give some sort of preamble here that Axel and I will be fine and I am beyond certain about that, but we are just in one of those places where all couples go at times where our interest in each other keeps getting sidelined by events, emotions, and about eight pounds between us that we have each gained (me 3 him 5) which send those sexy feelings to the back burner. It all started with me returning from Australia in a jet lagged fog and then leaving again in 36 hours only to come home to the disaster weekend that I blogged about. Add to that the suicide of a client last week and, unfortunately, the attempted suicide of another yesterday (there is almost always a second attempt as an attention thing- always), and the man is just emotionally spent. Unfortunately, all of this hit at the same time the Steelheart arrived, the timing of which was supposed to be the “official marking point” of the shift in our relationship, so that has just added another element to this which is beyond our control. We are also both the type of people who will mourn for the plan that didn’t happen while shouldering the responsibility of the “failure” versus just making a new plan. That is stupid, but just us, and while we know better, it is what it is. So, it’s just bad timing and there has been no sex, not even light petting. Just really no interest on either side, which, again, happens. The groove is starting to come back and hopefully by the time I get home later in the week we will be fucking like bunnies again.
Now, all of that up there out of the way, I still continue to smile every day about how this open marriage thing is working out. Granted, I think it’s more than just the open marriage because it’s also the particulars about how, and especially who, is involved in this particular openness. In our case, what made me really smile Sunday night, while laying in bed trying to force ourselves to go to sleep early since I had to go to the airport at 4am, we started to get a bit flirty, a tad touchy, but the erections were just not there (well, his at least, mine was covered). We just laughed about not having the energy or the current drive (which in itself is pretty damn cool when you think about it) and then Axel said, “Well, a year ago I would have been feeling horrible about not giving you great sex right now because of everything, but, the good news is I am just assuming that you had (and will have) great sex with Thumper, so there’s a ton of pressure off of me. How funny is that? Fuck him well, husband” He went on to say that if I needed to take an extra trip to use up some energy it was fine with him. Of course, he knows it doesn’t work that way schedule wise and he knows I wouldn’t, but the sheer fact he said that made me swoon a bit. Regarding that too, Thumper and I seem to have found an interesting new groove in the long distance, D/s, boyfriendship thing and we are just rolling along groovily. There might even be a third blog out there if anyone is interested in searching that clue for the hidden immunity idol (yes, yes, I still love Survivor). Just sayin’.
Actually, I either tweeted or wrote here last week about Axel saying that Thumper is now “just a part of our extended family” and about the comfort level with which his name now comes up – an act that is paralleling in a similar yet very different way in Thumper’s house – but it’s very true and, to quote Shaggy from Scooby Doo, that’s “neato”. It’s baseball season and Axel being a former pitcher, Thumper being a GIANT fan (though not a Giants fan), and me being in the middle and now a fan too is rather a cute thing because, when timing allows, the three of us have watched several games together with Axel next to me on the sofa, Thumper and I texting, and all three of us going back and forth with each other about the game and/or questions. It’s been suggested that Axel be included and it become a group text, but that was quickly nullified because Thumper and I realized that we would have to clean up our conversation and, at the same time, Axel realized we would have to clean up our conversation, so that idea died as fast as it started.
Finally, my third point in this update post is about the stupidity of some of our fellow blog friends who continue to send me messages about “turning Thumper gay” as if I can be contracted out to do the same to their significant other. It’s crazy because, one just assumes people would know that can not happen, right? And, if it could, I am evidently a huge failure because even Belle is now calling me out, and laughing, about my lack of skill in that department so it’s a no go people. Being gay is clearly is a choice one makes for themselves when they check that extra little box on their first library card and, once that is done, there is no changing it. It’s your permanent record, folks. Nobody fucks with that!
(disclaimer: yes, yes, that was a joke about the choice and the library card. My straight or gay survey came in the mail with my gay card application and invoice for the dues – being Double Gold Star has it’s privileges)