“Why yes, my boyfriend’s wife does controls his penis.”

Today I bought a new car.

Cars, especially German ones, are one of my few vices and since I lease, it’s something I get to do every 30-36 months and, since I am such a loyal guy, I have pretty much stayed with the same dealership for at least the last eight or nine of mine and Axel’s vehicles.

With that said, there is one lady at the dealership who has been there the entire time I have been a customer. She is the F&I person, which means she has the little windowless office with the giant dot-matrix printer that prints those mile long forms where you go when you are ready to sign everything. Since I actually picked out my car, turned in my lease virtually, and made my deal via email while I was traveling, she was literally my first stop when I got there. We have done business together so many times, that it was very formulaic as she does not try to sell me anything extra nor does she have to explain all of the 11,019 documents one has to sign for such transactions.

So, during this we started talking about Axel, how he was doing, her recent divorce, gay marriage, and right wing republicans, who, coincidentally, scare both of us a great deal. Around this time we started talking about things that most professional people in a professional setting wouldn’t discuss, but, well, fuck it, we did anyway. With this sordid conversation came her declaration that she often wished she had a penis because men, especially in her business, always seem to have the upper hand  and she said she often wondered what would have been different if she had been a man. Following that, she said something along the lines of “of course, I would probably have to give up control because, trust me, you can always control a man if you control his penis”, to which I smirked internally while saying, “you know, that works the same way with gay men too”.

Now, we were both talking about withholding sex, but I doubt she realized I was discussing it with visions of steel and locks dancing in my head, but if there was a way I could have discretely dialed Thumper and just screamed “you are on a call, be quiet and just listen” and then laid my phone down on the desk I would have, because this was just classically funny in the sitcom that often plays out as my life.

From there, I signed my name, initialed here, initialed there, and somehow, just somehow she decided to tell me more about her divorce, how her husband had cheated, and that she was just “done with men” which is when I made a joke about her coming out to me. She laughed and said “actually, I did have little things with women in college, but you know, they are fun, but you know, I am just not capable of starting a life and having an exclusive relationship with a woman, because I just love men”. I laughed which caused her guard to come up and say something like “I know that doesn’t make sense” and, again I laughed thinking of nothing else but Thumper at that point.

I said something like “you know, you can have both, don’t you? have you not ever listened to Dan Savage?” (she had not) and then I said, “actually, I have a really good friend, who is male, but identifies almost exactly as you do. He calls himself bipanflexible or something like that, but it just basically means his penis is driven by both sexes but his heart is driven just by one sex, women”. She looked like I has just told her something that caused a spark to fire in her head, so being the proud cocky one I was at that moment, I decided to take this further by saying “actually, he’s married to a wonderful woman but he has a boyfriend who he cares about in a different kind of way, but it really works for him, his boyfriend, and his wife who is not only completely aware of it, she endorses it.”

Her. Mind. Was. Blown.

She processed this for a bit, while she also processed my down payment, and then said “that’s really great and odd, but how does his boyfriend feel about the wife and that he’s always going to be in second place. Is he not jealous?” It’s a natural question and one that one might immediately ask so I didn’t think much about it which was absolutely obvious seconds later when I said:

“Oh, I don’t mind that at all, she’s a wonderful woman and I think the world of her and have nothing at all to ever be jealous of because the boundaries were always clear.”

I don’t think I heard myself because I wondered why she had such an odd look on her face right before I processed backwards a second while a chorus of “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me, fuck” played in my now revealed as the boyfriend head.

She looked at me and rather smiled and said “well, good for you, now do you want your first payment processed today or on the 15th and, oh, I have to ask, does Axel know?”

I said “of course he knows although let’s not tell him I told you, okay?” and then we laughed a bit.

The business was done and we were wrapping up and I thought to myself I should at least close the loop, so when we parted I said, “Oh, ____, one more thing. To go back to the first part of our conversation, despite me being the boyfriend, there is absolutely no doubt at all that his wife controls the penis. In fact, he often says she refers to it as hers, so I think you are on to something there”.

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