I’ve been meaning to write this post all week, but I just haven’t gotten to it.
If you follow me on Twitter you know that I have had a week at home in which I was supposed to write a report that I did not want to do. I finally finished it today and it turned out to be 322 pages long (including about 50 pages of graphs and data) which is slightly shorter than I thought it would be, but within my guidelines so I was fine to stop. I have to say I am not sure if I have ever had so many motivation issues as I did with this thing. It was just an awful thing to have to do so I did everything I could do not to do it. That said, I had the time. I had the knowledge. I had the Macbook. But I just could not make myself write it.
In my defense, it was an ominous beast of a project that was hanging over me because I knew exactly what the first 20 pages would be and exactly what the last 20 pages would be, but I could not picture the middle. I spent the week virtually doodling by writing a sentence, then sending a tweet, writing two sentences, then texting Axel, writing three sentences, then texting Thumper, writing four, and then buying something on Amazon. I missed the travel and the routine of not having a routine, as odd as that may sound, but could not get in the groove. I felt guilty if I did anything else like clean, exercise, or other work, so I generally just sat at the computer most of the week – usually with one hand in my pants just because I could – and stared at the screen.
For the record, I finished it this morning about 10am and was almost giddy when I hit send; however, that feeling was immediately followed by the dread of knowing that now it’s being proofed and next week, while traveling, I will likely have to defend my position which will then be followed my one or two late nights in a hotel room editing. BUT, it’s done, and when you work in a field like I do, you call it billable hours and you get happy about that regardless of what the personal stakes may be.
So, the point of this post is my during my procrastination, I started thinking about procrastination, and how I am almost the picture of it in the dictionary when it comes to something I don’t want to do, don’t know how to do, or am uncomfortable doing because I don’t know what the end result will be. While all of these things applied to my report, I also have been thinking about how I have allowed the same feelings to come into play about chastity.
At the moment, it’s not a factor in my life and I really do want it to be, as does Axel, but it’s just not there yet.
As you all know, muggle lives ebb and flow and mine and Axel’s have been doing both, but they’ve flowed in odd random flows that rage like a river, trickle like a drip, and then even flow backwards, all within the same span of two or three hours. When you layer that with some of the really mugglely issues going on in life at the moment with his work, my parents, and just a general sense of a lack of organization like the house being a mess, things on the kinky side just stopped.
This week he and I had a mid week, very rushed road trip that was ten hours back and forth in the car together. Somehow we avoided talking about the kinky things, specifically our mutual desire for the chastity, until about 20 minutes before we arrived at his nephew’s graduation. Why I have no idea, but there’s that P word slipping back in. We had a really good talk going and then had to shut up immediately because my mother-in-law was suddenly just there and crawled into my truck. We were surely about to hit in on our reason for our penile enforcement avoidance and create the perfect plan, but in came this woman in the most hideous blue dress I have ever seen, and that conversation just stopped, yet again.
There is really no cure for this aside from time and comfort and he and I talked again the next morning on the way home in more general terms than any other way. He has a few questions about it he wants me to ask Thumper, but it’s a weekend and he and I have not talked talked, so those can certainly wait as well.
I want to clarify that while we both recognize we have not been able to make this happen, we also understand that things like this take time and that the relationship dynamic just does not switch on a heartbeat. Looking back, I think I thought I could start the relationship with Thumper, change the power dynamic with Axel, and eat my cake too all at the same time and, in reflection, it was just too much too fast. We chose the most important one to both of us, which was Thumper, and now that it’s sailing along without a whole lot of talk or even thought (all meant in a good way) maybe the next few weeks we will try to make that shift happen again as our lives settle. Of course, I should clarify, his starts settling and mine becomes a vortex of travel on the other side of the globe for most of June, but we have learned to thrive in that, so I have no worries.
But, if we don’t and it takes more time in the end, what’s a few more weeks anyway? (said the man with the ADHD issue)