Axel has a female friend, who, to be frank, I just don’t like. At all. However, I have tolerated her for years because she’s one of his closest friends for reasons I have yet to be able to figure out. Ever.
I bring this up because I try very hard not to judge her but, while close, the bell of judgement still goes off in the back of my head every now and then but for reasons that have more to do with her political and racial beliefs more so than anything else. See, this woman, in my opinion, is a cheater in the actual sense of the word. I have tried very hard in the past to not judge anyone for that because we never know what the real story is between the involved parties. In most cases. In this one, I know it all and I fight that bell in my head. A lot.
See, for the last 15 years or so she has carried on an affair with someone her husband knows, but who allegedly has no clue about the fact he is, in fact, a boyfriend. I honestly suspect he knows everything because this guy has bought her a car, taken her on trips, and continually surprises her with gifts that make my boyfriend tokens to Thumper and his to me look like pure and absolute rubbish. She says she stays with the husband because of the children who are now both in college and, get this, doesn’t want to be the one to leave because “it will just look bad” – WTF?
Now, add to this fact that she now has a third man in her life who knows about the husband, doesn’t know about the boyfriend, and who is also taking a considerable amount of time in her life. Oh yeah, the first boyfriend does not know about the second. You still following? Just to make this even more fun, all three of them live within five blocks of each other and the second boyfriend is on a major street that everyone sees so she has to hide her car. Now, my double gold star status precludes me from knowing about the lady sex organs involved intimately, but I can honestly tell you I have never met a penis worth that much trouble. Funny thing too, when you look at this woman, you’d have no idea that she apparently has a super snatch capable of luring men with a song or something (do they do that, Thumper?).
I thought this alone was the prescription for disaster until this year, when Axel and I got three, yes three, different photo holiday cards from her and each of the boyfriends and/or husband. There are even three Facebook accounts where she has blocked each of the others. This is fucking bizarre when you think about it and plays out much like a 1970’s sitcom or a 1980’s Falcon Crest, but, again, in my head, I was like, “to each his own” and tried very hard to just have a “what works for them works for them” attitude about it as best as I could. Also, I know the children now know about the first boyfriend and even used to use the word “uncle” in front of his name, but they have both talked to Axel in the past semi-professionally so I know I can’t ask how they feel about it because he can’t tell me.
I bring all of this up because Thumper posted something yesterday that intrigued me and ties in, but also, a few weeks ago I accidentally saw Axel’s phone when a text popped up while he was driving and I was returning a text for him (as an fyi, we are not ones to ever look at the others phones. Ever.) It was rather innocent but she texted asking something along the lines of “are you sure you are okay with this and, what is Drew getting there that you just can’t provide?” I assumed that he had told her about our little foursome of sorts and that was okay with me because I have told people too, etc. What pissed me off was that my gut reaction was she was judging our openness from a viewpoint that we were missing something and replacing it versus adding to what we already had and I was furious at first which really, really confused Axel. I asked him why she would say such things, why she, of all people, would even make a statement about our open marriage. Furthering the sitcom theme, he said something along the lines of “dufus, read up” in a very mocking, condescending tone and, when I did, I realized she was asking about the takeout I was planning on picking up that night and taking to a party from a place that Axel hates and, to make matters worse, I was buying dessert with it versus asking Axel to make it, which is something he does quite well. So, admittedly, in this case, I did go to the drama side a tad, just because I don’t like her – have I mentioned that?
While that was and is amusing, Axel and I talked about it and I asked if she knew. He said she did and she was fine with it, but that personally she didn’t believe in openness because she thinks that one or the other spouses would be getting hurt. Yes, yes, I know that is a HUGE pot calling the kettle black moment, but it’s also indicative of this woman and her twisted views on so many things, so I never really gave it much thought until yesterday when Thumper posted THIS about his friend Frodo.
I thought Thumper’s post was really good and have to admit I know a bit more about Frodo simply from knowing Thumper and the fact that he appears on my “people I should know list” on both Facebook and LinkedIn at least twice a week (btw, how in the hell do they know everything to the point they’d link me and Frodo? obviously it’s the mutual friend but it also has to be things like same sex relationships, etc because I have never gotten a suggestion that Belle and I be friends- just an aside), so I probably read it with a bit more interest than I would have any other post. What I didn’t know was that Frodo’s open marriage had reached the openness that it had and, even though I don’t know either of them, I had a very warm “good for them” happy thought in my head when I read about it.
What surprised me a bit and led me back to my feeling about the very sexually active woman mentioned above was that he said that Frodo’s view on monogamy was different than his, which would mean it was different than mine. He said that his viewpoint is that:
“His take on what I just wrote is that monogamy is the ideal and that sometimes, it’s an ideal that can’t be lived up to for whatever reason”
When I say that surprised me, I want to clarify that it did so in just a “wow, that’s interesting” way versus anything negative, but it just reinforced my belief that we all process what we do differently and that, I guess, as long as however we are processing it is not causing an internal struggle, to each his own! So, I think with that said, I need to just find peace that what she’s doing she’s okay with and that is what matters, I guess. I worry about her husband, but also, with so many signs, I think I just now think that he is lazy but also maybe he has something on the side too because, apparently, communication is not the strong point in THIER relationship, which is none of my business.
Back to the Frodo post, I think it’s great that they will be talking with their daughter and I hope that it will all go well. I know that Axel works with several children who are mentally mature and who are aware of their parent’s extra curricular lives and he says that, for them, it’s just another thing about their parents they find strange and weird, but in the socks with sandals way and not in the judgmental way.
Finally, what’s ultimately really funny about this that, in a slight, very different, very odd way, I can compare myself to Frodo’s daughter simply in the fact that, at 45 years old, I have discovered, I think, my parents’ secret sex lives and, even at this stage when I have the hot husband, the hot boyfriend who has the hot wife, AND the open marriage which is killer in its own right, I find myself proud of my Mom and Dad yet equally squeamish in that same socks and sandals way even now. I guess we just never want to think about Mom and Dad naked in a hotel room, no matter how fabulous the lobby is or how much the carpeting doesn’t flatter the pictures. Oh, speaking of pictures, kudos to Frodo’s husband for choosing a good one! Objectification at its best 🙂
As for Axel’s friend, bless her heart, she’s got a lot to balance.