Those are the two texts I received about an hour ago from a friend who lives in town and had somehow just discovered my Recon profile again since the overhaul way back when I met Thumper. I am in a conference where I am stuck in god awful group presentations most of the day today and tomorrow, so I could only respond in a limited fashion because it was my turn to pay attention next (I’m done for a long while now). So this was a fact that was going to be out there and I only had a few minutes to try to control it, if it needed to be controlled. I texted Axel to say he might be getting a text from, let’s call him Jeb, and that he needed to help put this to bed should it be something that was going to blow up, but that’s almost all I could do aside from just relax and take in all these goofy conference people around me without allowing the distraction.
Now, obviously this friend has mutual interests and we have talked about these things before, but it’s been a long while and this text surprised me. What surprised me more was that my reaction was something along the lines of “yeah, so what?” which was a gut thing versus the consternation that this would have caused even a few months ago. At that point, I would have worried greatly about who he would tell because we run in the same circles of mutual friends, what he would think, and how it would reflect on Axel and Thumper, if at all. Now, as I sit here fake smiling at strangers, I have realized that I don’t really care if he tells the world because the people who it matters to already know and that I am secure in what I have going.
In fact, I think I am proud. Yes, I am proud of my little twisted foursome that contains Thumper and the spouses, but I am also proud of me for being proud (excuse me while I pat myself on the back) if that makes any sense.
Going back, when I started blogging Thumper told me that there would come a time when I would be very cognizant of the veil that we have put up and that I would want to fight against it, as he often had. At that time. I thought he was crazy for wanting to “come out” from behind his rabbit persona every so often, but now I understand why completely. For me, having accepted AND acted on this side of myself has been a huge thing for my psyche and I want to share this at times, to let my muggle friends know that I have titanium in my pants, or to just share with them that I have a boyfriend who is, well, neato with a great wit, great personality, and that he has really special sparkling metal genitals.
But, I can’t and won’t, because this is not about me alone and, like many of the other things we as humans can disclose about ourselves, this has the potential to hurt others, especially Axel, Belle, and Thumper’s offspring, which is something I’d rather be on fire than do. Yes, it could hurt me and Thumper and our careers (likely mine more than his since those artsy people are pretty cool) but, at the end of the day, we both chose to put it out there veiled as it is and we are responsible for protecting the aforementioned ones, so we can’t worry about ourselves first.
To further this point, someone once asked me if I felt I was living a lie by being so clandestine in my writings and went so far as to tell me that it is was almost my responsibility as a kinky person to let the world know what the real ones look like. He actually then compared it to not coming out as gay and that I was doing the same disservice to myself as when I was in the closet 117 years ago. To that, my response was rather swift and abrupt in saying “no, I don’t owe that to the world”.
However,upon reflection, maybe I do in some small way. Of course, I think I type enough about real life here that even the muggliest of muggles would be able to see me as the corporate man by day and the switchy kinkster by night. But, in thinking more about this, I do not feel I am living a lie in any form. Before I was out as gay, I HAD the potential to live a lie by carrying on about my fake lady part conquests, or even dating and marrying a woman, but, I felt better of myself and knew that I could and would not ever make that choice, so I didn’t live a lie, I came out. In contrast, with this side of me, I don’t feel I am living a lie either because this is not anything I feel people in my day to day world must know about me. That said, I think this whole exchange may be about me realizing that I wouldn’t care if they did, though, if it were just me that it concerned.
Finally, I just have to trust that Jeb will do the right thing with the information he now has and that it will stay within the right group of people. After all, I have the skinny on him too so I am not worried, but the longer this goes on, people are going to find out occasionally and I’m good with that. However, to he dawning realization tough at I am fine with it was just an odd random thing I hadn’t expected.