In the overall game of life, Thumper and I are probably two of the luckiest bastards in the world because we each have amazing spouses who love us and have encouraged us to do what it is we do together. In addition, I believe that luck also played a role in us finding each other because what we have, though almost something unable to be defined, rests on a bedrock of friendship, respect and admiration from which we can, at times, springboard into several directions. Often these directions take many paths, but sometimes they are career and life advice, baseball and general geekiness, and, many other times, they are intensely kinky private moments of domination and submission where I test his submissive side while he tests my dominant side. This is a wildly fun game, but it’s dangerous in a few respects because we each have such a fear of disappointing the other and, without being in each other’s company when these occur, we run the risk of not being able to read the other accordingly as one needs to in situations like this.
As a case in point, right now we are in the middle of a game where he is collecting points based on some predetermined items we discussed last week. I am with him next Monday and Tuesday and, based on his point values, a few positive or intensely negative things would happen to him. It’s really a great game and we have fun with it because, well, it’s fun, but we also know that it is not something that it real life based enough that it can continue more than a week or so and next week he will revert back to my smart ass sidekick who gives me hell at times. Also, he and I take this too much to heart at times, though I think as the sub he really bears the brunt of this and it’s my job to watch it and keep him safe. What I find funny in this is that when he and I get into these moments, we never listen to our advice about other aspects in life. For instance, this morning he had a tough morning with his offspring and his mind that really knocked him off the scoreboard for a bit. For me, I get it and am not bothered by it or worried about him slipping in the least, but I know he’s kicking himself left and right now and I don’t like that at all and if I were there in person I would make him look me in the eye while I told him that. What’s funny, is that if he and I were watching baseball and our team had two stellar innings, like his two days this weekend, that was followed by one really shitty inning, like his day today, I would be the first to complain and he would be the first to tell me that “it’s just an inning, Drew. We are still in the game and there are still PLENTY of opportunities for runs”. I can’t think of another way of expressing my point that we should listen to our muggle selves more and more when we get into these non muggle moments because we quickly become our own worst enemies. I realize that it’s different when you watch the game versus participate in it, but, the same principles apply and he and I need to be better at stepping away to gain perspective if and when we are not happy with our own personal performance (in these games and just during life in general).
I do this with Axel too. When our life gets in the way of our fantasy, I withdraw and get quietly weird. I know better than to do it, but the fact I didn’t reach the prize or I didn’t fulfill what he wanted can make me go dark, when in reality the absolute best thing in the world would be and usually is for me to simply talk with him, move on, and go to the next fantasy when at all possible. With Thumper, I turn into Axel because I see him doing the same thing and beating himself up and, well, this time we are not doing that and, frankly, this is going to help me be better with Axel too. We will modify our game today as I fly through the sky, so apologies to my seat mates in advance should I need to adjust myself a few times – I like thinking about Thumper compromised. I mean, wouldn’t you?
In other news, I am thinking about Thumper’s mind in advance a bit more because, as work schedules have it, Belle and I are going to be staying just about four blocks from each other this week during our respective business trips. While I doubt she’d even know what I looked like if we passed, it has to just be a funny thought for him 🙂
Finally, the game with continue this week so stay tuned for some Twitter pics scattered randomly through the week.
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My kinks are not always easy to live with. It’d be better, I guess, if I got off on snuggling with teddy bears or crochet or something, but I don’t and sometimes the things I like can be (and are honestly best if) physically demanding. In a scene or for a short period, it’s rarely an issue, but when attempted as a “lifestyle” kind of thing, it can be.
Typically, the thing I’m struggling with is enforced chastity. Whenever the overhead hassle of having the penis locked into a steel device something like 25 days out of 30 gets to be too much, I have a mantra-type thing I repeat to myself. It’s not about ameliorating whatever I’m dealing with, but it can make my capacity to deal with it greater. It’s a way for me to recenter myself into the submissive headspace that it’s just not possible to be in 24/7/365.
So last night I was following Drew’s instructions and, in doing so, my usual levels of sexual frustration were amped totally out of control and I was left physically…raw. So much of both that I was unable to be as he wanted me to be over night. My brain and my body were on fire and I was freaking out about losing an entire night’s sleep (which is totally doable for me) and, even after doing my centering exercise repeatedly followed by a lot of back and forth and worry and freaking out, I decided to not follow his directions and take a Tylenol PM. That worked. I fell asleep and woke up in the morning feeling shitty (and groggy because Tylenol PM). And then a bunch of other stuff happened that made the morning even worse and I was jettisoned out of my headspace like a fighter pilot going down.
And, of course, I totally blame myself. Because I kept giving him the rope to lead me with and fell deeper and deeper into a subby state, all rather unexpectedly, only to then also climb right out all on my own and leave him behind with the rope and an empty collar. It’s the comeherecomeherecomehere, goawaygoawaygoaway dynamic that, if I were on the receiving end, would totally piss me off. Sure, there were reasons, etc., but I was disappointed in the outcome and myself. Ultimately, I feel like I repeatedly lead Drew on with regards to how heavily he can dominate me and then retreat as soon as it gets hard for me. That’s not the kind of person I want to be.
Back in the old days (like really old days) when I didn’t know there was a viable state between straight and gay, I would do this kind of thing to the guys I was trying to date (only without the awesome kinky overlay). Perhaps I’m hypersensitive to being that way now because Drew is a guy. Or perhaps I start to feel guilty for allowing myself to do what I clearly have pre-authorization from Belle to do. Or maybe it’s just that I can’t control the lure of a deep submissive headspace. Or maybe it’s a lot like my bisexuality and I can’t actually do a lifestyle kind of submission thing with another man. I don’t know. But I’m left feeling bad for being the problem.
Clearly, I’m still in the self-pity phase of this. I want very badly to be a good sub when I commit to being one and it frustrates me when it doesn’t go as planned. Luckily, Drew is patient and understanding.