Really naked

Thumper and I have seen each other all kinds of naked. Straight naked. Geared naked. Gaping naked. Sated naked. However, this week, I think we each got to see the other more naked than ever, and we didn’t even take our clothes off.

Thumper just left me after about a day together in our typical one afternoon, one morning style of doing things and I am staying at the hotel for a couple more hours to do some work before catching a cab to the airport. This visit was probably the most different one that he and I have had for a few different reasons, but it certainly was a nice visit nonetheless.

So, I am thinking about R words because there were several key R words that happened this trip, the first being “relationship”. See, as you know, Thumper has been sick and is still not up to his old rabbity ways. I am sure he will be writing a post about this at some point, in some form, but this particular virus he had sucked up his energy, his sex drive, and diluted his bisexuality just a bit. Now, that is something I understand 118 percent because, when I am sick, a troop of naked firemen could walk through my room and the first thought I might have would be if they were cold, because any and all sex drive that is contained inside me is usually long gone. So, Thumper not being the randy rabbit he usually is was different, but aside from walking way too slow because he was truly weakened, he was the same ole Thumper and the guy I really have a good time with, naked touching aside. What this did, however, was either force us, or perhaps allow us, to simply spend the bulk of our time talking, and talking deep on a few subjects, one of which being the “R” word – relationship. We got on to this through a conversation about Belle and her telling him that he and I were indeed in a relationship (I hope he blogs that). Now, that word initially caused both of us to have the hair on the back of our neck stand up on end, but as we discussed this over a partially palatable lunch (Thumper and I do not have a history of choosing good lunch places) we both agreed that yes, yes, we do have the R word and, though, almost undefinable through conventional methods, we acknowledge it is there without the other R word, romance, raising it’s head other than when a few romantic phrases like “well, the good news is even with all this I don’t find you repulsive – another R word – today” come out of his Hallmarkish lips. We talked about this fact and agreed that it’s okay and it’s a good thing because, even without sex, this is what we each wanted when we signed up for this rendezvous. We were able to discuss the parameters of our time together and laughed because, in some ways, we have a very scripted friendship that could almost all take place virtually except for the touching and naked parts, but, since we have to abide by the script which, in this case means blocked calendar days for him and booked travel for me, we have to move forward even if the magic mojo isn’t flowing. I think we both sorta deep down like that because, we do have a good time together and, I mean this every single time I say this, but I never ever leave Thumper without feeling a bit smarter about something. We really agreed that we could do this indefinitely, which, in the world of fuck buddy friendships is like an engagement, so we will let you know which sex shop we will be registered at soon. I’m hoping Steelwerks has a registry or at least Mr. S.

The funny thing in all of this is that, at least at first, I think he was a bit surprised that I would still want to be around him if he was fully clothed but we got through that quickly. He thanked me for understanding about ten times, which I found sweet but unnecessary too because, it’s what any two people in any similar situation would do. I laughed because there have been hundreds of times over mine and Axel’s 18 years where one or both of us felt the way he did yesterday and the other just never gave it another thought because, it’s just part of growing and sharing a life, but for me and Thumper, it was new and different, so we HAD to think about it. That said, it was fun to joke about me buying him breakfast and he didn’t even put out one single bit. Did I miss the sex? yes, particularly early today when I was a bit randy, but, also, that was mostly because I missed my free window to ejaculate because Axel allows that when I am with Thumper.

So, the next R word is raw. Now, now, minds out of the gutter on this one, because we don’t talk about that raw, but this morning was a very emotionally raw morning for me, and I probably gave Thumper a different side of myself for him to view as well. As you kinda now, my job is weird. Even people who have known me my whole life often can’t understand exactly what it is I do, but they play along nicely and I appreciate it greatly. That said, there has been some recent pressure in the office to do things in a way that I am not comfortable and, this morning, I received another email reminding me that I was not doing this right. This led me to a funk that soon had Thumper and I stretched out on the floor with him helping me rewrite some documents which was followed by me just verbally vomiting every single thing that has me worried about the day to day world I am in up to and including the fact that I do not feel like I am being a good submissive to Axel, which is a subject he and I rarely talk about because of our own dynamics. He saw me raw and that embarrassed me at first because in my head I was screaming the “you are supposed to be the dominant boyfriend” line to myself while sitting in front of him I wanted, for a few fleeting seconds, to just break out in tears and then get a really big hug from him. In the end, I got the hug without the tears, but when he left I felt more emotionally raw than I have ever in front of him and I am still a bit off put because I feel like I used our time together in “inappropriate” ways even though I know without a single doubt that he has likely not given it an ounce of thought since he drove away. The good news about that is that the rawness sapped any of the randiness I was feeling, so Axel need not worry about me chasing the meaning of “with Thumper” to mean if in the same city or bed.

So, there is not much more to day than to just apologize to you all for the lack of sexy Twitter pics and salacious posts, but, as we have said, sometimes life is life and, at the end of the day, like I have said before, Thump and I are two lucky bastards who have found married partners who get us and each of our 1,076 personal complexities and now who have a boyfriend that at least get a few more than before.

8 thoughts on “Really naked

  1. Aw, I love this post for so many reasons.

    One of which is ‘Duh, WE all knew you were in a relationship, you could have just asked us and we’d have told you’ :P.

    I can relate to some of your feelings. I’m bad at vulnerability, I don’t like how it makes me feel weak and pathetic. At the same time I crave and admire it in others and see it as bravery and courage. I know the disconnect doesn’t make ANY sense, but there it is.

    But when I feel safe enough to ‘get naked’ in front of someone, and they handle it well, THAT’S the stuff that strengthens intimacy and connection. Like some weird fairy magic. I’m really glad you and Thumper are having opportunities for that time together.

    *sprinkles fairy dust*

    Ferns

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Um, the fairy dust is what I sprinkle…

      Thank you for another spot on comment. You are quite right about vulnerability strengthening intimacy and friendship and, in this case, it will and did (non romantically of course 😃). It’s all just part of the process and, in the end, I don’t want to be around, much less be physically intimate with, someone I can’t talk to when the day is bad.

      Like

  2. Hubs and I go ’round and ’round about “relationships” but pretty much we’ve compromised on seeing things my way (heh) and frankly, I figure we have “relationships” with everyone we encounter. We have sibling relationships and colleaguial relationships and mentorships and friendships and acquaintance-ships and space ships. So OF COURSE anyone I’m involved with in outside/ancillary/extramarital *relations* is someone I’m in a RELATIONSHIP with.

    Now that THAT is out of the way… 😉

    I *get* the whole ‘kicking yourself for melting down’ thing. For me, it’s complicated by my fear-of/self-chastisement-for showing vulnerability to *anyone* EVER, but it is 100 times worse when I show that angsty mushy mess to anyone who plays /s to my D/. But no matter how much I kick my own ass for it, inevitably the other person (you know, the one I’m in a RELATIONSHIP with 😛 ) inevitably doesn’t even think twice about it. Why IS that?!?! Don’t they know I am supposed to have my shit together all the time?!

    :: huff ::

    A n y w a y

    Love the idea of a fuck buddy registry. It’d be a helluva lot more fun to shop for than the traditional variety. 🙂 {And you just _know_ that some idiot is going to take you seriously about that, right? You homewrecker, you.}

    And P.S. I have work stuff that is stressing me to no end right now because there are state regs that are changing in ways that make NO sense and that are complicating my life in completely ridiculous and unnecessary ways. And I get the trickle down fallout from all fronts because I’m essentially an independent contractor with obligations to multiple entities. #*@$!

    !!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. [cross posting because lazy]

    /\ what they said. (but with more eloquence and bless expletives than I would have managed).

    Even a friendship is a relationship of some kind. What you four have gives you a free induction to the unicorn riders’ guild of America it’s that special. The weirdness and the squickiness I guess is all part of that as you all adjust to it being somewhat more than you all envisaged.

    Now guys, that sparkly rainbow poop isn’t going to shovel itself, better get to work.

    Liked by 3 people

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