The Slow Death of a Fanboy

Good morning from 35,000 feet somewhere over the middle of the US. I changed flights at the last minute today and missed my upgrade but was able to snag a row all by myself in the back of the plane which is rather odd for many reasons so I am enjoying the fact that I have a little bit of internet privacy and can be sorta pervy courtesy of GoGo Wireless.\

(In fact, here I am right now)

Screen Shot 2015-08-03 at 8.40.15 AM

So, it’s the start of a new week and I am vowing to make it better than last week. Actually, last week was not bad, per se, but I was in a pseudo depressed type of mood that had me down on just lots of facets about life such as work requirements that, as much as I detest them, are in my contract and just something I have to do, as well as with things about how Axel and myself are progressing or not progressing based upon whatever viewpoint on D/s I happened to have had that day. The funny thing is none of my issues had to do with Thumper and his temporary sexless state aside from the fact that my outward emotions tend to reflect whoever I am around and, in that sense, the fact he didn’t feel good and was quietly beating himself up in a sense about the lack of attraction to me, and the male species in general, just quieted me for several days, but it certainly didn’t weird me out at all.

In fact, quite to the contrary, now that it’s been a week I think I am actually quite proud of the fact that we didn’t have sex and that I got to see “human” Thumper in a whole new light. By that, I mean, it’s been almost a year since he and I met, but there are still moments where my “inner fanboy” still comes out. I have not blogged about this in months, but I spent several years glued to his blog, imagining what he might be like, what Belle must have been like, and if he was really as sexy as all those teasing pictures had posted through the years led me to believe and then, suddenly it seemed, I was not only naked in bed with him, but I was also calling him “boyfriend” and knew all the answers to the questions I had so often asked. Now, don’t get me wrong, he’s no Gina Lollobrigida or anything of a star level like she is, but it was this weird fantasy come true that I never ever thought would happen and the only way I can ever make him understand this is when I tell him that it would be like Dan Savage asking him to be his best friend and occasional sex partner. You still love his writings, style, and find the pictures sexy, but balancing those with knowing the inner parts is really fucking cool and sometimes makes you just stop and think about the fact.

Fast forward to where we are now and many of those fanboy things about him are still there, but now they just serve as some of the basis as to why we call each other boyfriend versus actually being the reasons and I enjoy that greatly. However, what last week proved to me, especially with the use of the R word by our spouses, is that even at once a month, the good is not guaranteed and going through even a few hours of those not great moments and the fact that our friendship emerged absolutely unscathed, perhaps even stronger in some ways, is a good thing for me because it leveled the playing field just a wee bit since he was not even aware of me prior to last year and I came in knowing what I had THOUGHT was him.

Also, over the weekend I had some interesting developments on the Mom front again, so this is just the teaser because that post is going to require a tad more space than row 19 is allowing me now so, until then..

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