It’s four something in the morning and I am sitting in the floor of a concourse at a New York airport waiting on the gates/club to open after having endured a cab ride from hell through the streets of the city at three something. I will connect in the Midwest once before most of you even get up and then be home by 10:30 so I can go sit in my home office and do officey things, which, I guess, could be worse because today there is an early Dodgers game and I will finally have time to go to a real gym.
Anyway, it’s been an interesting week in the fact that I want to just rebel and be a bad boy. I don’t mean that in the sexual sense, though that has its merits and temptations, but it’s like I want to disobey every single rule I have in my life right now including the basic tenets of my upbringing like opening doors for ladies and being a gentleman in elevators. I mean, fuck, they have lady arms that can pull a god damn door and what if there won’t be space for me in said elevator car? Okay, okay, I would never really go that far because it would be, well, un-southern, but right now I am fighting every work rule I have, most of my regular life rules I carry, and if you tell me it’s black this week, I am likely to pick a fight with you about how it’s not really black, not really white, but some sort of gray with a hint of blue just because.
Last night Thumper and I had one of those more and more rare times (caused mostly because in the summer he loses almost all privacy when the fruits of his loins are out of school) where we had plenty of time to just talk while he made his dinner and while I walked down the streets of NYC looking for a new iPhone case (I suddenly hate mine) and for my own sustenance before having to go back to my room to make calls to the other side of the planet (luckily while also watching baseball – a mute button is wonderful isn’t it?). He finally said something akin to “are you doing something else, you just seem so distracted”. I wasn’t. I was as invested in the conversation as I could have been while navigating sidewalks, but I just was not clicking. Axel actually had said the same thing earlier in the day to me as well. I was tired, but that wasn’t me either.
Thumper knows about some of my work issues and the fact that suddenly a few things that I used to rock are now out of my control, so we talked a bit more about that and what my options are, but even that didn’t explain my sudden need to tell everyone to “fuck their rules” and storm off into the sunset like Judd Nelson at the end of the Breakfast Club. I really am a rule follower, always have been, so the fact that I am suddenly not is worrisome.
Another thing we have somewhat discussed here is that Axel and I are about to get hardcore on some of his Dom-ness because we are about to make a large investment in a very custom chastity device (although he is liking the steel and titanium hybrid ones more and more so our airport goal may not be met which is fine by me in many ways because I think the anxiety each time would make me look terrorist like while waiting in line) and because it’s just time because the Steelheart, while wonderful, is just not working for us. This has been coming and we have been flirting with some rules that we are planning to lay out over the weekend and then put into an app to track which, in my world, means it’s real if it’s in the iPhone.
I have been wondering if this impending lack of freedom was causing me to have this sudden onset adult disobedience in that “sowing his oats” way that we have all heard of and, since I have never really sowed my oats ever, maybe now is the time? It’s a strong possibility and I consider it valid because some of the home freedom and control I have is going away (110 percent by my choice) while also some of my work freedom is going away (110 percent NOT my choice) so maybe that’s it (by the way, nothing big at work really, I just have a new COO who is trying to prove himself on the backs of others – it will go away soon – so this is not really a crisis, just a pissing me off thing).
Then, this morning I think it hit me that what may be the issue in that I am out of balance in my switchiness. By that, for the last year I have been able to spend a few days each month with Thumper expressing my Dom side and, at some times, REALLY expressing my Dom side, which has been an excellent exorcism of sorts and almost therapeutic. While this is also more than just sexual, this expression has allowed me to go home and be the sweet innocent husband who looks great in a steel penis trap without many adjustment issues because that part of my brain that likes to be in charge has been sated. However, this time, because of the rabbit flu and the other events we have discussed, I didn’t have that chance to be authoritative, mean, or to even love the way I hurt him because I had to be all caring and junk. I have to wonder if that threw off the my natural rhythm I have become adjusted to which has thus caused my brain to be out of line?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I still believe the visit with “Thumper the Temporarily Straight” was really really good because it allowed so many other things to surface that we have discussed, but this is one more step in understanding the switch side of me that I need to know how to handle should it come up again, though I suspect this is more of a combination of events and timing that may never play out in the same way again.
So, I’m up in the sky now and headed home and think I will do a few really dommy things when I get home or maybe even just run up to a strange cute man in the airport and twist his nipples really hard just to see if that “spark” comes back. Of course, if I do that, I’d likely discover more of my sub side in an unfortunate way later today in jail, so maybe I will avoid that altogether.
Any switchy people experience similar issues of imbalance?