A Switch Within A Switch + Kink Power

To continue on a bit from my previous post where I discussed the evolution of my sexuality, the last few weeks have been an interesting study in how I am dealing with my switch side as well and what I have learned. If I could sum it up neatly with a little bow on top I would say something along the lines of that I have learned that I am a switch within a switch, but there is nothing neat and clean about that statement at all, so I can’t say that.

What I have discovered is that I have become adept at playing both sides even within the prescribed roles I have with my partner. In many ways, over the last year I have discovered that what I have called my sub side is really just me having a vehicle in which to express and learn both sides of my kinkiest thoughts and fantasies. When I am in a submissive position, while I may love every single thing that is going on, my mind never really “clicks” in gear with that role like I see what happens with Thumper.

I understand this because, with him, my brain clicks to that dominant part of my sexuality in a way that I sometimes have to stop or pace myself with him before I go too far too fast, which is something he has to do on the submissive side as well. In that sexual pairing, at that certain time, we are right for each other like two sides of the puzzle and I enjoy every single ounce of power I have over him while inflicting pain, enacting uncomfortable positions, or using him sexually like an object whose only reason for being there is for my use, my pleasure, and to be nothing but a receptacle for my pain I want to give him. But, where the switch within a switch comes in is that when we are done with that aspect of our relationship, whether it being for an hour or a month, I take on what would typically be a more submissive role in that I just want him to be happy, comfortable, and to have a good time when we are together by allowing, no, basically asking that he take on the role of the planner, the restaurant chooser, and the keeper of the remote. I used to think this was because I was always in his city, his guest so to speak, and that is some of it I am sure, but as we have gotten naked in other places this year, that same pattern follows. With him, I am both the occasionally annoying sappy boyfriend who sometimes just wants to hear a voice and know if the day was good or bad and the dominant boyfriend who sometimes just wants to hear nothing but whines and screams out of his gagged mouth with little or no care as to what he is thinking at that exact moment because it’s about me.

It’s odd when you step back and think about it, but it works for us, sometimes better than others, but as we progress toward the climax of our first year together, it’s getting easier for both of us to be each role when required. When this started, I used to rather beat myself up at times for having that sappy side, because fuck buddies don’t have that (although I have since learned that some do), but I have relaxed that feeling of “guilt” now in many ways because the newness of us has melted into more of just “an us” routine along with the realization that that sappy guy is just who I am, be it with my husband, my boyfriend, my best friend, my neighbor, or the guy who lives in a box a block from my house. I am just the guy that wants to know those in my life are happy, where they are supposed to be, and really hope that every time we finish a communication that they can smile and feel good about what just happened. I think this just fucking god damn means that I am a sappy, nice guy and if you are in my life you are just going to have to deal with it. Period. No guilt or apologies and no more beating myself up either.

Now, on to Axel and the switchiness that is taking place with us.

With him, what I have learned is that I love him having control of my cock and my orgasms but, for me, that is less about being a submissive to him and more about giving him a gift that he enjoys having as a form of a tribute to him for our many, many years together and for all the amazing things he has given to me through the years, including the ability to have a boyfriend on the side. Unlike many of my locked friends in a same sex scenario, when he unlocks me it is because he is ready to be fucked or to play with my penis – on his terms- (at least initially) and I enjoy that tremendously as I turn into a top man instantly with the click of that lock – including sometimes flipping the switch to his submissive side. While it is somewhat about orgasm control, I don’t think we will ever go to the long term denial place because that simply doesn’t do it for him (or our current life). Though, if he does want that, I realize that it’s not my choice since it comes with the gift I gave. Though I say that knowing it will never really be that long of a term because I have an automatic pass for my time with Thumper and that comes every four to six weeks already (except the next visit which we are having a dandy of a time trying to get scheduled between our calendars). That said, whether I am technically his sub or some other term, what this has allowed Axel and I to do is to get our kink on like no other time in the past. He feels kink power* because I have his metal on and in my penis and I feel kink power just having it there, so as we allow ourselves to channel that, we now find ourselves sitting at a kinky table with everything on it just ready for us to grab, touch, fondle, and abuse (can you just envision that table?? the one is my mind is either black leather or rubber and has most of of the Mr S. stockroom laid out on it and Thumper locked to it with his ass up in the air).

For me, even though I don’t like to usually admit this, I am absolutely thrive in competition and have a drive that will knock whoever out of my way without remorse if that means I will get the better seat, prize, or lane (that is an extreme example btw, I do give in occasionally). While my entire career is based on this and always has been, I realized that I was missing this at home because Axel never challenged me on anything and I would take advantage of that fact often, just because. So, as a way of embracing our kinks, over the last few weeks, Axel and I have been working on a point system for rewards such as massages, foods, orgasm passes, and more for kinky tasks like carrying a plug for a period of hours a week, spending an extra hour or two in the gym that week, a spanking, time spent in some type of severe bondage, or sexually perverse pictures sent from time to time through the week and, occasionally, posted on Twitter. There really is no punishment clause for us, unlike when I play a similar game with Thumper, because failing to reach the reward is enough mental anguish to me that a beating would not provide. Axel is both learning to accept a more dominant part of his personality in setting these weekly goals and embracing some of his kinky fantasies that I have to admit I never knew he had. When my Steelwerks device comes, the device he prescribed and he paid for (two important facts for him – well, both of us), I suspect we will see these things escalate where we might go down an even kinkier path, but we are no longer going to start forecasting that now, because that is what has tripped us up each and every time we have tried in the past (and, fyi, I think you will know why I feel I have to say this, but the last two weeks I have BLOWN past both my goals, just sayin’).

So, this is getting too long and is likely where I need to stop this as it’s getting repetitive, but to close it up, I can’t really believe I am at this place in life because I am happier with my kinky mind than I think I have ever been and feel great satisfaction in knowing that between both Axel and Thumper and our “activities” combined with some of my new gear, I see myself on a nice kinky path while holding the hands of some great new friends at the same time.


*This just seems like a phrase that should be in bold. Just because. 


  1. It’s always interesting to me to read switchy people’s points of view on their own tendencies.

    For me, my default mode is dominance. I don’t “do” subby-ness, exactly, though I *do* switch. It’s not a matter of top and bottom for me, and it takes a particular alignment of the stars, along with proper care, feeding, and arousal to push me to that place where the “click” happens. But the thing is, it’s organic. And when I switch, I don’t stay in one role. (And neither can/does my switchy partner or it just doesn’t work for me.)

    I find that many switchy people don’t really GET that. I wonder if you do. Because the whole ‘Axel is in charge of my orgasm but as soon as he unlicks me, I turn top’ thing…

    Yeah, I get that.

    I also *totally* get the ‘While we’re not fucking, I just want him to be happy’ thing. Though I think that’s less criticized in females, because we’re *expected* to be nurturing.

    Just thinking out loud. Or, y’know… Writing out loud. Or whatever.

    And KINK POWER. Love it! (Makes me want a superhero suit.) Rawr. 😉


    1. Yeah, I was thinking about a super hero suit as well. Some combination of spandex, latex, with a touch of leather 🙂

      I was hoping you’d write and give me your opinion because I consider you an expert on the switchy side of things. You wondering whether I get “it” when the change of roles or the click happens is very valid and I am not sure if I do or not, but I do think I am closer to getting it than I was a year ago and Axel controls the locking but once I am out, the dom Drew can’t sit back and wait, and that’s okay too.

      As for the “while we are not fucking I want to make sure he’s happy thing” I think you are right about the female side of it just being rather, well, expected or at least not surprising. In a gay relationship that part is usually split or one partner just assumes that side for various things. In this case, I think I am more aware of this because, for whatever reason, it just seems like a gay man vs straight man thing in my head, when it reality it’s just a fundamental side of my personality and it really is just in my head.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I generally consider most aspects of sexuality to be on a spectrum, so when it comes to power dynamics, it’s natural that they would shift depending on circumstances (and partner stances), particularly for switchy people.

        {Again, just thinking aloud.}

        One thing I find…interesting(?)…notable(?)…about certain kinks, is that they are automatically assumed to go on one “side” of a power dynamic. Chastity is most often assumed to be a submissive thing, for example, but that’s not necessarily the case. I sort of cringe when I see obvious D-types trying to hammer themselves into a pre-determined “sub mold” in order to carry out their fantasy that way. (Straight guys who are alpha types drive me batshit with this line of thinking/behavior.) So it’s nice to see that you are figuring out how your full spectrum of sexuality can “work” (not the best word, but you know what I mean) with chastity. Because it’s NOT necessarily a ‘sub thing’. (Though the device itself could be sort of an on/off switch when it is on/off the Switch. Heh.) Giving over control in specific ways, without being untrue to one’s Self… It’s not exactly cut and dry, is it?

        Re: gay man/straight man ~ I am not exactly a bisexual bunny (though I always smile when you call the rabbit that, because he’s not the only bunny on this blog 😉 ), but I behave very differently with women than I do with men. I don’t switch in same-sex situations, and my feelings are not…tender…toward females. So I have a weird dichotomy of my own going on there. Separate, but related.

        If that makes sense.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Kink power? No thank you. Right now there is a woman in jail in Kentucky because she’s angry you have the rights you now have, and here you go making a mockery of it by having a “sexual relationship” outside of your marriage and then, from what it sounds like, tempting an innocent married man toward your perversions. There is a rite and wrong path and you, Sir, need to straighten out.


    1. The funny thing is, Drew hasn’t tempted me out of anything. As anyone who is familiar with my tale would know, I put myself out there for someone like Drew to “temp” at the suggestion of my wife, Belle. So fear not, Moral Crusader, for my marriage. It’s never been better thanks in part to the very openness you deride. We all get to choose our own paths, and isn’t that wonderful?

      Regarding that Kentucky woman, she’s in jail for denying all citizens under her authority their legal rights, not just the homos. She’s a hateful hypocrite and I hope she rots there.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The only thing I am fearing for is morality. I don’t know your tale and won’t, but I simply fail to understand how you and Drew can both claim better marriages with infidelity in your bowels. Just in this story above Drew says he took advantage of his “husband” so how do you reckon that, Sir?


      2. Quick couple of questions before someone decimates your post but how did you find me? Why did you keep reading if you were so bothered? And why, above all, did you feel the need to comment?


      3. I think you’re reading too much into the word, Sir/Madam/Indeterminate Sentient Being. (Truth is, I haven’t read the post yet but I plan too. Eventually.)

        Your version of morality is based on a perversion of what it means to be the human sexual beings we are. It’s based on a notion of monogamy and marriage in which one party of the arrangement was considered property of the other. It’s about control and power, not mutual love and respect. It’s based on insecurity and fear that we aren’t everything our partner would ever want (hint: nobody is). The fact that I let Drew fuck me has no bearings whatsoever on how much I love and am committed to my wife. Since I’m able to indulge certain desires and needs outside my marriage (things she can’t or is unwilling to do), I’m a happier person and grateful to my wife for the opportunity. Therefore, better marriage. It’s really rather simple.

        Also, Axel is not Drew’s “husband,” he’s Drew’s husband. Lawfully and rightfully, you hateful bigoted jackass.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. “I don’t know your tale and won’t…”

        Then why in the fuck do you feel you have any right at all to sit in judgement of it?

        Let me help you out. If you seek this kind of content and read it, even if you then climb a box to decry it, there’s a little tiny part of you (maybe not so tiny) who is titillated by it. Know thyself, friend, before casting your stones.


    2. “There is a rite and wrong path and you, Sir, need to straighten out.”

      Oh fuck off with your ignorant pearl-clutching concern trolling.

      Your idiotic opinion is an insult to all thinking people everywhere.

      Stop embarrassing yourself.


      Liked by 3 people

      1. Dear Ferns, I am not “embarrassing myself” because I know how to point out sin. Drew’s perversions and his drive to turn a family man to an unhappy or unfamily like lifestyle is just something I didn’t and don’t understand and think it is just in the face of God.

        it’s my opinion and you have yours. I don’t feel it’s “idiotic” and I have never clutched pearls. I’m sure you don’t know them as people, but, my opinion is Drew is a bad man and he needed to be told. The things he talks about here are so misguided and just screams he is not a real man, and now he’s trying to de-masculine another. just my opinion.


      2. “De-masculine?” What a hateful, ignorant caricature you are.

        Not that it would matter to someone like you, but what I get from Drew is exactly what I want and our time together makes me happy and more fulfilled. Isn’t that what we should want for others? For them to find happiness? I can’t imagine what it must be like depending on an imaginary sky friend for that kind of thing.

        You’re a sad, sorry person. I pity you and the horrible world you live in.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve gotta say it: Yo – AMERICA IS NOT A CHRISTIAN COUNTRY! If you think otherwise, show me the words in the Constitution. Star, how dare you try to impose your morals on Drew and Thumper. Who gave you that authority? If you read even halfway carefully, you’ll quickly realize that Thumper and Drew have their own codes of conduct, that they follow carefully and thoughfully.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s