So, it’s time for part two. I am currently on a tiny little plane where they squeezed me in as the doors were shutting so I could go direct versus through Atlanta, where I tend to spend the bulk of my travel time.
So, where did I leave off. Yes, that’s right, Axel was about to come home and get fucked. Man, I was going to just nail him like a shingle, I was going to pound and twist and grind and he’d go to his new couple tired from all the amazing sex I had given him. That said, when he got home I was hungry and the recycling needed to go to the curb and my Mom called and, well, we wound up just semi naked cuddling on the couch watching a ballgame. Honestly, that was just as fine as the other plan because he was happy, I was happy, and the cloud of doom I had placed on top of his boyfriend couple had dissipated like a mist in August.
We went to bed and, as I got in, he said, “you didn’t unlock yourself? Why not?” WTF? We just spent Stella’s college fund on a cage for me and he seriously just asked why I didn’t unlock myself? So, that led to an amusing talk about him thinking he said unlock after he left earlier and I took it as to wait until we were naked again, but, nonetheless, it was just a silly, funny little “learning opportunity” about the chastity dynamic.
So, Wednesday comes and since I am home to write I stayed in bed because he usually leaves about 6:15 and if I can stay naked and warm at that time, I am going to do it. He came upstairs, said goodbye, checked to make sure everything was good and said he was going to schedule Thursday night. I smiled, went downstairs to find breakfast made for me in the oven and our god damned dishwasher beeping to announce it had finished cleaning -last night – and I went about my day doing every single thing I could do to keep from writing and doing my work (FYI, deadline for five of the 11 reports is Monday, so I will not be online much Sunday, just sayin) and all was good. He came home, told me about his day. He went to see a client and I went to the gym. All was good and then three reps into a bench press, suddenly it wasn’t good anymore and that cloud had surrounded me and was eating me with a vigor – much like how the large woman across the aisle from me is eating her giant cookie.
At that point I just felt really alone and as if I was going to be the fourth wheel that never got to roll. But, my first thought was to call and seek advice from Thumper, my personal Dan Savage and boyfriend, and that right there, the fact that there is another cool guy up north who I call boyfriend much to Axel’s delight, is the entire reason that, in my head, I had no right to feel the way I was feeling. I honestly snapped out of it, I thought, until I got home and the first thing he said to me was “what’s wrong?, it’s written all over you”. I thought I was playing it so cool, but my innocent face (and innocent mind) had betrayed me again. I just said “it’s good, let’s change and go to dinner and talk if you want to”, and that we did.
One thing that is funny is that Thumper asked me the day before why Axel, the therapist, was not telling me how I was thinking was badly, was not analyzing me, etc. I explained that he never does that with me and we come at things like two amateurs just throwing non relative bullshit at each other, left and right. The truth is, it did happen one time when he was in professional school. I was used to being diagnosed by him with the mental disease chapter of the week each Monday and was accepting of that as my role of dutiful spouse, but it went too far one time when I was really really pissed at Comcast and he walked in and said, “your mother reacts that way too, tell me about something in your past that…“. He never finished the question and we have never talked “Counselor to patient” ever again.
So, I digressed a bit, but dinner was raw and painful at times. He asked why I wanted to be home when he got home the first time and why I felt I had to see him or be seen. I didn’t have an answer other than that to tell him, honestly, that after the very first time with Thump, when he dropped me off at the airport that plane could not fly fast enough to get me home. I was happy about what had happened, but I felt guilt, grief, and extreme excitement all wrapped into one spot of my brain that immediately and forever left the moment I climbed in his car when he picked me up at the airport. I have never felt that way again and know I won’t now, but I had to admit to him that I did, that one time. I worry he will feel like that tonight and I won’t be home until Friday at nearly 11pm. We discussed that, and, for the first time, with that on the table, I released it and told him to have a good time, go forth and make those boys walk sideways. However, he also had some things he needed to release.
He told me first and foremost how wonderful he thought Thumper was and that he has never once been jealous of our sexual or friendship times together. He said that at the beginning, one time I didn’t text as soon as he thought I would and that he had let his mind go to very dark places, but that it was over as soon as I texted back. With that, he then did admit some jealousy, again, not at my relationship with Thumper but at purely some of the “firsts” I had with Thumper. This ranged from a variety of sexual firsts that, while proud of me, he found some jealousy in that it could not have been with him, though he realized I’d never have done it without Thump’s guidance and willing body, to some smaller petty things like I me having him above him in my favorites on my phone (this resulted in a heavy laugh when I pointed out that it’s alphabetical by first name on my phone and, in the real world, his first letter starts lower in the line up than Thump’s) to just an outright almost anger that I loved the Pad Thai when Thumper fed it to me, though I had never ordered it with him and had even refused once when he asked me to try his. I told you, this was raw conversation. Not rational conversation. Finally, he admitted that he had been hurt once or twice, but the biggest one was when that picture of me getting my PA and Thumper holding my hand scrolled across the Apple TV that day. He said it hit him that there was more intimacy in the moment a needle had gone through my penis than he had ever thought about and that he had regretted not asking to join me and Thumper, as he was still quite glad I had him with me because he was the experienced one.
I feel like I should say that we laughed and ate chips and guacamole through this whole thing and that it wasn’t two men crying in a Mexican restaurant. We are adults and it was good to lay it all out there. Anyway, he gave me absolute 110 percent assurance that he loves Thumper’s place in our lives, hopes that continues for the foreseeable future, and that he would like to get to know him one day as he makes me happy and therefore makes him happy. Also, he and the boyfriends want me in their threesome in the social way and hoped that I would be willing to go to dinner with the three of them, have a drink, etc. I’m more than fine with that and really don’t think the awkward levels will be as high as most of your reading this think they will be, but we will see and, if Axel wants that, he will get whatever he needs from me.
This whole thing, and especially the conversation with Thump Tuesday just really reminded me I have the big sensitive side you have all seen that I have often hated and have yet to just accept. It’s silly little things like the fact that I pay attention to if Thumper reads my posts or compliments a picture or, mostly if he doesn’t. This is something he doesn’t do often because that is not in his wiring and he could give a rats ass if I did either for his yet I fall all over myself to do it, but that’s just the difference and it doesn’t hurt my feelings, but I do notice it. Axel is just like Thumper in that regard, so maybe I balance them or they me, but who knows and, more importantly, who cares. That’s just an example because I walk through my professional life on the edge of getting my feelings hurt, even when I am being the bad ass speaker and then going to fire someone. It’s just my DNA I think. So, knowing that, I have made myself balance my thinking about this couple because I, more than anyone else, know that I have been given the luxury to see others by him and that I owe nothing but the same to him.
So, dinner wound up, we went home, I packed for today and then we again settled on the couch ready to watch baseball. However, this time was very different because he asked me to come sit beside him and he started showing me some of their pictures, their texts, and the like because we realized that that level of inclusion is what is going to work for us, right now, on this side of the open door for me with them, but we made it very clear that will not be happening on the Thumper and Drew side of the door, because he likes not knowing the details.
At that point, he asked me if I would be okay with him sharing me with them, meaning, him talking about my career, Thumper, a picture or two, etc. It had never actually occurred to me that he might not had done that or even needed my permission, but apparently my scolding after the orgasm with my nemesis night had stopped that. So, as I sat there, he sent a pic or two, baseball came on and we went to bed all happy and feeling included so life was and is good. And, just as a fact we are both a bit tired today because that fucking that was promised, well, it happened from 2am to about 3:30 am and, well, god damn it was nice.
First, in all of this I realized all is going to be wonderfully fine no matter what actually happens with the couple and that it’s through these conversations, through these actions, through these raw time, I think that my marriage will be better by being open.
Two final things:
Now, as odd as this may sound, when I am with Thumper I always see my PA and know that it’s Axel’s and it’s there because never wants me to forget that my penis belongs to him, and Thumper is just borrowing it for a bit. Very similar to how Belle loans me Thump’s ass. So, knowing that, I asked him to get his own PA so that he can see and feel the same thing. He actually said he had been thinking about it and would willingly do it, but that I could not go with him because, well, he didn’t go with me. I’m still not sure if that was a joke or real, but then he inquired about Thumper taking him (joking I know, but suspect the rabbit would if asked).
Finally, as we went to sleep I realized that the picture he sent of me clearly showed the outline of the Steelheart quite clearly. So, I guess I will be contributing to some of their conversation tonight after all.