Axel has a date tonight. With a couple.
There. That’s out. Over and done.
Actually, while that is true, the build up toward tonight’s date for him has created a rather raw week as we have examined emotions, feelings, thoughts, and, mostly, irrational thinking on both our parts. You see, Axel is the one who wanted to open us up about three or four years ago. He brought up the subject. We discussed our points of view on it. And he went out actively looking and I set about somewhat, at the time, passively looking. Both of us fully believed that he would be the first one with a “significant side guy” and we were equally shocked when a year ago, right about now, I met Thumper and you all know where that is. In this time he has had two little “things”, one being a 3 event “thing” with a mutual friend who he found out he really didn’t like and one mutual jack off with a person I would describe as my absolute and complete nemesis, professionally and personally. When that happened, I was never mad at the act, though I was very mad at the lack of judgement and maybe, just maybe that has led to some of the feelings this week.
Axel and I have two very different personalities and in the rules of our extra engagement that became clear. At the time, he did not want to know much about the person I was with, wanted no details about the exchanges, and only asked that I let him know if and when something was going on. I, on the other hand, wanted to know everything. I promised I would not interfere, but I do not like the unknown and as a sufferer of some severe anxiety throughout my life, the wonder about what is happening would kill me much faster than the actual details, most of which I would not mind hearing about anyway if it made him happy. So, that is how we ended the plan years ago.
When I met Thumper, Axel kept his hands off approach the entire time and never pushed, never asked, and I didn’t tell because that is what I thought he wanted. As a few weeks went by, he started asking more questions and ultimately, the night after the first time I was all naked and with Thumper, he asked for certain details and I told him. As a few weeks progressed, Thumper and I had talked about him more in the context of me and Belle and some general stuff and then one day I got a text from Thumper saying something like “FYI, I just friended Axel of Facebook”, which was immediately followed by Axel texting saying “FYI, Thumper just friended me on Facebook, what do you want me to do?“. I thought it was surprising but fine and this electronic relationship led to one or two chats and some business together via a third party they each knew, but they have never exchanged physical words (though I just want that to happen one day to see Thump’s reaction to his accent). Where we stand now is that Thumper is a daily part of our conversations and Axel follows his very thorough Facebook feed because, by doing so, he learns more about him and never has to go to a news website or entertainment one, because Thump pretty much shares anything that he feels the educated world needs to see, and that’s perfect for both of us.
I mention all of that because of a few things. That veiled social media connection made things very fuzzy in my head when it came to Belle and Frodo because, well, I just didn’t know if or how that kind of “flow” could or should only go one way. But, that is not the point of anything now other than to say that it’s just made me wonder if they needed to know me in the same way Axel knows Thumper and, I kind of wanted that for that inner need I have for approval because I want them, in theory, to see more than the stories about what I do to Thump and to know that I am a good man who cares for him and would never do anything to hurt either him or them. Belle knows this by now, I assume, both because of the time and history that has now taken place and purely because she is one of the greatest women alive because of her mindset toward things. Another factor in this feeling happened this last week and, being 110 percent honest here, in the first few hours after Thumper told me what he did with Frodo, I immediately saw Frodo as a threat to something, not really me and Thumper, but just something I cannot explain. It was just a feeling in the sense that he had known Thump for 35 years, knows Belle, knows his family, etc and, again, in those few hours I felt almost like a cast aside mistress condemned to the condo her executive bought her to “keep” her in silence. However, when rational Drew who wasn’t exhausted by a surprise trip kicked back in, I realized that Frodo is no threat to me in ANY SINGLE WAY because he and Thump want something else, do something else, and what I do to, for, and with Thump sexually is not something in his wheelhouse (I hate that term) and that is never going to change. So, I breathed, I thought, I talked to Thumper, and I didn’t worry any more about that and thought, in my mind, writing a blog post about being okay with things and saying hi to Frodo would seal that deal. And, for me it did. But, I feel like I owed a deeper explanation after talking with the rabbit a bit more in the days since, so that is why I write the above. As for them knowing I am the good guy and junk, that is Thumper’s business and his job to convey that should it ever be questioned. So, for now, that’s not a single factor in my mind anymore and I hope it won’t be again.
So, during the same period as that, Axel met a guy who wanted a Daddy type figure in his life and, given that the guy was younger, cute as a puppy in tall grass, and seems to be very intelligent, Axel was all on that idea. So was I. Then, it shifted a bit because, we always knew this fellow was married, but it turns out that his husband wants the same thing, and they have essentially asked Axel to consider being their third. Now, going back to the fact I wanted to know all of the details, Axel was telling me this and I was okay with it. However, at the beginning of this week, I started having just bizarre feelings of jealousy, a feeling of being left out, and, well, just having a general cloud over me that, unfortunately also floated over Axel because of the way the wind in our house flows. In my head, I had been and continued to be fine with him seeing “a boyfriend” but two was something I had never thought about and this really played out in my head very funny. On top of this, my need to know everything and to know them kicked in, and I made a spectacle out of myself trying to think about asking that I meet and approve them with Axel, then that went to just me being home the first time when they fuck so I could physically see and be seen when he got home and could see with my own eyes that things were okay, to finally just saying “I trust you and do what you need to do”. I said that because I talked to Thumper about this and he told me I was being an idiot. Actually, he told me my feelings were very valid and that me opening up about these things very much helped him see more into why I thought me, him, Belle and Frodo could all play Uno of Friday nights together, but he also told me that, in his opinion, I was being highly unfair to Axel and that I was adding a layer of bureaucracy on top of his outside relationship that he did not dare even mention or attempt to mention back when I met Thump and in the days since, so, yet again, he was right.
After that I texted Axel that all was good and that he should go with his gut and then, in some form of penance, went and locked the Steelheart on, shoved a plug in my ass, and told him that I would be here when he got home later (a rare fact on a Tuesday). When he got home, we were both in good moods, smiling, talking and then he stood up, told me to follow him upstairs to the bedroom and strip and he then unplugged me and fucked me like he had not done in 18 years before coming, locking the plug back in place, and then walking out to go to his client while I sat there stunned, chaste, and plugged again. It was really something just incredibly fun and made every bit of the sub inside of me happy until the text came about five minutes later that reengaged my Dom side when it said “I took your spare key and you will also notice a plug missing and it’s where you think it is. When I get home tonight, Dom Drew comes out when I unlock you and you are going to fuck me like you have never done before. Love you. Oh, if you go to Target, we are out of toothpaste” (he tries, he really tries).
This is getting long and I have a flight to catch, so stay tuned for Part II coming soon to this blog. Spoiler alert, Axel gets fucked, schedules a date with his potential boyfriends, and Drew gets weird again.
To be continued…
It’s so hard to know exactly what you will need (and need to know) until you are in it. No matter how open, accepting, supportive you are, etc – there are still unexpected pangs, old wounds, and just plain genuine wanting everything to be okay. I surprise myself with my reactions to things sometimes, both with my un-botheredness in some situations and my emo messiness in others. It’s not ever the same, and sometimes I’ll have polar opposite reactions to the same situations/players from one meet to the next. My husband is much the same.
One key thing about needing/wanting information… It’s normal for that to fluctuate. I think I’ve said this before, but when hubby and I first opened up, he wanted – and was granted – what amounted to an all-access pass. But I put the kabosh on that pretty quickly, because he would read or hear small chunks of larger/broader interactions and freak out. I’m not a don’t-ask/don’t tell girl, but I also am also very much of a mind that certain dynamics exist in my ancillary relationships that don’t particularly need to be elaborated on. So it’s taken us some time to find our groove where communication is concerned.
That said, we are embarking on something new that will come to fruition shortly, and I have a feeling there will be, well, feelings that we’ll be dealing with, most likely in the aftermath.
My point, I guess, is that people are complicated, feelings are confusing, and sometimes the controlly people (now who would that be?) get a little discombobulated by things outside their control. It’s not always comfortable, but they’re called ‘growing pains’ for a reason. It’s all just part of the process.
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I (heart) you, Mrs. F.
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I really love this post and the grappling it shows you having with these things.
I don’t see that many non-monogamous folks talk all that honestly about these complicated feelings. In fact what I mostly see is that everything is ‘great!’ and ‘fine!’ until suddenly it’s a big mess of jealousy and hurt and serious consequences and there is no insight into how that came about.
Not that it’s anyone’s business of course, but working through that stuff can’t be easy and it’s rare to see a glimpse of how that works.
In short: I appreciate you sharing it, thank you.
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Thank you, Ferns. Your thoughts are always welcome, but particularly appreciated on this topic.