Honesty

I have no idea where to start with this.

First, every single person who plays a major role in my life right now has been in a weird mood. Myself included. While not really related in any way, we are all a bit too in our heads for our own good right now and it’s led to just a general funkiness that does not include a disco ball or glitter.  I am not worried about anyone really because we are all proven to pull out of these times – though it just sucks that we all hit it together.

For me, I have been almost downright angry at myself for having the feelings I have had about Axel and the, now to be known as, the Scotts (nobody thought they were “Kevin like” enough to keep that title). I am not really ready to go into where things stand with that at the moment but I am trying really hard to not let my insecurities negatively impact the threesome. With this, what we have come to realize is that Ax and I spent years laying out how it would work if he or I had a boyfriend, what we’d want, how we’d function and what we’d expect from one partner, or even two separate ones if the time and penis function allowed. When I met Thumper, Ax and I pulled out our rule book, applied every section to the individual aspects of the relationship, and Thump and I proceeded down the road of nakedness and sex with little, if any, bad feelings at or about home being in the way.

When Axel met the Scotts, it was originally just the Junior Scott (the younger one – they are actually physically both taller and as broad as me) and we took out the rule book and flipped the tab to the “Drew’s Expectations” chapter and immediately applied the rules and discussed the plan. Then, Senior Scott was introduced with the intention of being an equal side of that triangle and we continued down the structured path we had applied to just Junior.  It worked fine. For about an hour. That’s when it didn’t work and, as I type this, we are still negotiating and talking and I know we will work this out, but it’s not something that is going to happen overnight. The complicating factor here is that when I met them at dinner the other night, we clicked as a foursome. Not sexually a foursome, though frankly I would love to see them naked, but immediately as that couple we’d love to one day years from now rent a beach home with for a month and just have the best time ever. Frankly, that has never happened to us and these two men are just as adorable as men can get both as individuals and as a couple. It would have been so fucking easy if I hated them or didn’t like them, but, that’s not the case so we will continue to find a path to make it work.

I say these things as an update more so than as any type of solution, breakthrough, or discovery but also as part of the honesty I have tried so hard to portray right now as part of the inside of a recently opened marriage. Not one single feeling I have had over the last week has led me to even have one thought or regret about opening it, because, even this has made Axel and I closer because it’s made us talk, it’s made us listen, and it’s made us be brutally honest with each other about several feelings and factors that are part of our lives including my travel, an undisclosed indiscretion on his part, our couple goals and, of course, my relationship with Thumper – which, once again, Axel fully supports, encourages, and enjoys, especially now that he knows more details of it.

The key word in here though is honesty, as I do not think an open relationship would flourish if one primary partner was not honest with the other primary partner about everything on the table. For me and Axel, we tend to repeat a story to each other and will often find ourselves leaving out a word here, a comment there, or a remark over yonder in an effort to either shield each other from the brutal realities of said item or, most likely, just to not have to deal with any possible repercussion that might arise from it. We agreed to stop this and, during this conversation I asked about something little and was told “no, not discussed” to then see a text when we were doing something together on his Mac that not only indicated the issue had been discussed but that it was done prior to the time I was told it wasn’t (fyi, the text popped up, we were sitting together, I wasn’t looking). Now, the subject at hand was very minor, the issue was something he just didn’t want to deal with, and the issue never would have even arisen had the timing not been what it was, but, right there, we had a teachable moment that just hurt my feelings more than anything else. This was not by what was said, but by the slight lack of judgement that Axel had shown and it just made me really hone in hard that we will have ground rules and they will be followed. No option.

If I told you what the issue really was you would laugh because it was that minor and this sounds so ominous, but it was a vehicle for he and I to sit down, yet again, and look each other in the eye and ask “are you okay with this?”. For the Drew and Thumper show, the answer was an unequivocal “yes”. For Axel and the Scotts, the answer was “I don’t know yet” but that is something that will be sorted out over the next few days and I am 99 percent certain it will be fine.

Again, these are petty things but petty things turn into big things and our intention is to keep that from happening when and if possible. I understand that in situations like this there will always be emotions that are technically unjustified, but that is just what it is, and, frankly, the jealousy that has popped up the last week or two has been rectified by some pretty awesome sex and just general naked cuddly time. Since we have never been two who argued or fought, we have never really had make up sex and this has been a nice little side attraction to diminish some of the drama that we have imposed on ourselves.

Over the next few days I will update this saga and the who blew who details, but for now, just know that, even through the chaos of honesty, jealousy, and horniness, the primary bond is strong if not stronger.

9 thoughts on “Honesty

  1. The instinct to “protect” by *not* sharing, by filtering due to trying to head off hurt…

    Yeah, I get that. I get the motivation behind the silence and I get the hurt when something minor is discovered. I’ve been on both sides, and I’ve learned that it’s the littlest things that cause the biggest hurts. I’ve also learned that there are often hidden ‘wants’- thongs we may not have previously acknowledged or even noticed about our desires – that can feel like huge mountains to climb, and when our partners want something with someone else that we wanted but never realized/discussed/explored… It gets complicated quickly.

    I’m in a relationship right now with someone who is new to being open, and some things have come up recently that have made me go, “Ouch!” It’s never what you expect it to be. Not the reality (versus the oh-so-carefully-planned Rules of Engagement) and not the trigger points (positive OR negative).

    I know you’re not soliciting advice, and this is NOT advice, it’s just sharing experience: I’ve had to figure out my non-negotiables (think kink-style hard limits as applied in an emotional/relational context) and be very flexible and forgiving and honest (honesty hurts like fuck sometimes; there are truths about ourselves we don’t always want to accept) about everything else. I’ve had to reassess over time, because people change. Feelings change. Relationships change. And I don’t always like it.

    Ethical non-monogamy is a lot of fucking work. Which makes my stance on cheating (I abhor it) even stronger, because having done the work (and continuing, constantly, to do more work) that it takes to open my marriage, I don’t have time or patience for people who take the “easy” way. I’ll take a relationship built on trust over a facade of crumbling lies any day.

    Much more than two cents, but like I said, I’m working through my own ‘stuff’ right now, and this post hit on several issues I’m all too familiar with.

    Hugs, you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh yes… I understand the jealousies petty or otherwise… As Mrs Fever says its work..
    You and Axel are doing it congráts on that… I understand the not wanting to hurt the others
    Only too well…time will tell if a can reach your level of honesty… I often feel weak for not
    Having those conversations I know I must… Hugs to you and yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hugs and thanks for posting as this seems a bit raw for y’all. I so enjoy your blog and this glimpse into this new aspect of your relationship is amazing! I hope that the details get ironed out sooner rather than later!!

    Liked by 1 person

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