Exposing Axel

When you write a blog like this, it gets a bit sticky with giving too many personal details and then not enough at all. I am TERRIBLE at this if you follow me on Twitter because here I will, for whatever stupid reason, never mention my exact city but then post pictures of two or three things that are instantly recognizable or do something as stupid with verbiage, etc. There’s also a fine line about revealing too much about the people in your life too because certain facts link you further to the muggle world and then you sit back and realize that you are never going to run for political office and that it just, in most ways, doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life, yet I tend to be over protective of Axel, Thumper, and the others who pop in and out of this virtual space.

I write all of this as more followup and more background on the events of the last two or three weeks because, during the discussions and ground rule setting about the Scotts, a few other issues surfaced that caused me to have a few minor, yet, significant trust issues with Axel. The first I wrote about hereย in my original post about honesty and an issue popped up with Axel that was small, but somewhat significant to me because its was a direct contradiction to the truth made during a conversation about the fact that as an open couple, we absolutely 110 percent had to say nothing but deep done and brutal honesty. What transpired after that conversation and post was a series, well, three, further reveals that were minor on the surface but caused me concern for multiple reasons. I feel like I should say that these items had absolutely nothing to do with the Scotts yet, at the same time, had everything to do with the Scotts.

By that, I mean, the past is the past and mistruths were told and, though I was hurt at the lack of omission, none of these were things I could be mad at because I understood the reasoning and the addictive need behind them. They also placed Axel into a box in my mind I didn’t want to see him in, and that upset me greatly, because I do not like seeing him weak and, even more so, vulnerable. But, as we embraced a new level of openness and, at the same time, were negotiating the terms of things like safe sex, time apart and others, any slight shadow of doubt began to paint everything in a weird light that wasn’t very flattering and didn’t make me want to allow the threesome to move forward, because, if absolute trust is not there, what the fuck kind of drama would we be having in six months.

All of these reveals were on the table via FaceTime and iMessage and I looked forward to getting home late Friday and starting a busy, yet relaxing weekend at home with him. Something was weird when I saw him though and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but decided to let it go until we went to bed then I asked again if there was something I didn’t know. He said “no, all is out” but had a tone that said otherwise so I pressed a bit more when he finally sat up straight in bed and said, “okay, you win, here is what is going on…”

I am stopping there not for the drama but more for a backstory so that it makes sense but this also ties into my opening about whether to say too much, too little, or nothing at all. I decided to disclose these things because they will factor into the story of Drew and Axel over the next year and, well, I continue to keep writing. That said, Axel was an athlete most of his life until his late 30’s when he developed arthritis in his hip on his right side which, by the time he was 40 had him needing a cane, yet he was still working out like a fiend. Joint replacement had become essential and there were two or three options on how to do it based on the level of activity he intended to have post surgery and each had their risks and benefits. His goal was to play again, so he went with a more complicated fusion type surgery that was a partial hip and thigh bone replacement made of some type of metal that about one person in one million develops and allergy to during their life, but this would make it possible for him to fall and be rough without worrying too much about breaking it. It was a complicated procedure that took seven plus hours and required five days in the hospital and then three months of rehab at home, but he got through it fine and the first year was great and he has the most kickass 17″ scar that is really sexy in its own way. During this time he had so much pain that he developed a comfort level with the narcotics that we both recognized as unhealthy and we weened them down, I hid them in the house, and all was fine

Then came year two and he started hurting and, if he did too much exercise and pushed too much fluid out of the joint, he would start literally squeaking which sounded like a witch’s fingernails on 1276 chalkboards. He slowed down, but all was normal according to the ortho people and they blamed the fact he had gained some weight and was just getting older (he was 43).

To cut this very long story short, his movement continued to decline, his pain continued rise, and his weight was not moving despite diet and exercise and the gain has been primarily in his ass which has given me the Kardashian I never wanted.ย I knew the pain was rough and knew he managed it the best he could, but what I did not know was that he was dipping into the pills a few more times than needed and had investigated other sources, and these have been most of the discoveries of the week. He’s hardly an addict as it’s been less than 35 pills over two years, but there is a psychological dependence on them he didn’t want to admit and this was what he was carrying around in addition to his reality star backside. Whether big or small, an addiction is still and addiction and this has to be dealt with properly, which, of all people, he thoroughly knows.

Again, cutting the story, this week, you know, the horrid week from hell, also just happened to be his three year checkup and I was able to get him to finally admit to the ortho that he hasn’t been as tough as he pretended to be and that something was wrong. So, tests were done, things were said, MRI’s and X-rays were taken and, at the end of the day, I wish he had played the lottery that week because he is that one in one million person and his blood levels have become toxic to the implant which has caused the swelling, i.e.: weight gain, the lethargy and, most importantly, the pain.

What comes next is some pain management therapy which may or may not include appropriate drug use which will be monitored by someone other than me and we are working this week with the ortho to coordinate his calendar, my calendar, and a build time for the new bone of sockets that takes a minimum of two months (I think Chris at Steelwerks could really build an awesome one, just an fyi), and Axel’s schedule and client load because he will be in rehab and unable to drive for a minimum of 12 weeks. So, realistically it’s looking like sometime in January which thrills Stella because he will have lots of bed time and blankets for her to cuddle in.

For us, this will likely curtail the kinky dynamic to a degree but I know he will continue to expect me locked which will be nice because I plan to ground myself and work from hime during most of whichever month this occurs. The good news here too though is that one of those unwritten benefits of an open marriage and him having two boyfriends is that they will get to help too and will have already seen him naked, which was the main drawback as to why most of our friends weren’t asked to hang out with us in the initial days after the first surgery.

So, that is my raw, naked week and while it has very little to do with an open marriage, Thumper, chastity or the like, I also wanted to disclose it to simply say that, because I fear I have left a negative mark on the openness of late and that is entirely not the intent and there was indeed a backstory added to the weirdness around the threesome. Make sense?

Tonight I think I will post some sort of scantily clad picture of me, one or two of Thumper’s metal penis, and maybe even a surprise or two just to get this blog back on happier times as I know you all miss delightful Drew probably as much as I do!


  1. THIS.

    This is the reality of relationships. Relationships, period. Open or not.

    We all come with pasts. And it’s when we think we’ve tucked those pasts away into neat little boxes and stuffed them into the backs of our life’s closet that they suddenly spill out all over the place because they get jostled and knocked over when we’re rooting around in said closet for an overnight bag.

    I *completely* get how history colors the present. It’s often the things that we think we’re “over” that come back to bite us.

    I’m sorry Axel is experiencing so much pain. Likewise, I am glad there is a plan in place to reduce it.

    Thank you for sharing this. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think you put open relationships in any negative light at all. You made them real, emotional, and raw which is life! However, that being said, I will not be against any later postings of happy posts or nudity ๐Ÿ™‚


  3. Real life is messy. But it’s also wonderful and rich and fulfilling. Your foundation is strong enough to weather this storm. I understand chronic pain and addiction all too well. I’m glad you have a plan for dealing with both. Hugs to you and Axel, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Doesn’t it seem like when you think you have things *figured out* that the curve changes again? You and Axel have such a strong relationship and will get through this. You have made plans and it will work out. Hugs to you both!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Communication is the key. In my limited time reading your blog and chatting with you about several things it is obvious you and Axel have great communication and will be stronger through all of this. I can so relate to the issue with the pills and loved ones. It is hard to watch that happen. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks for sharing about what’s going on and the trust issues that have surfaced, I am sorry for Axel and his having to deal with the pain and surgeries et al. As someone who had a mid-foot fusion (and a titanium plate that think my body hates too), I am in pain management and know the issues and risks very well. I am also a recovering alcoholic so any kind of lying around pain medication is a huge red flag for me. My significant other is a doctor and I told him early on that although I work on it diligently and hope I would never be that person again, if I were in in enough pain and/or withdrawal from prescribed meds, I might lie, steal, and cheat to get more. So he should hide his prescription pads and never write me a script no matter how much I needed or justified it to him. So you are right to be concerned- it’s addict behavior, so we say hate the behavior not the person. I am glad he came clean to you. If he were an active addict you’d be right to generalize the lying and have trust issues, but I think that this is probably a pretty narrowly framed area around which you need to be suspect, unless your gut tells you otherwise. I’d say it was definitely poor timing with everything else that had you a bit anxious. Nice job getting it all out there and dealing with it. You guys are role models in many ways for those of us with aspirations to have more openness around getting our sexual needs met in and out of our primary relationships.


  7. I’m sorry to hear about Axel’s troubles. My wife had ankle replacement surgery last winter, and it was a long recovery and rehab. The pain meds are an issue, too. So, I understand about facing surgery and the pain again, and I wish you both the best. Big virtual hug for both of you.
    It was good to see the pictures of happier Drew. You’re making progress in your fitness quest. It may be good therapy for you to write the dramatic blog posts. I understand the complicated emotions, or maybe not. My relationship is much simpler, though not without its struggles. I’ve been fascinated as your relationship with Thumper has evolved, and how you and Axel have grown in your relationship because of Thumper joining in. The new chapter with the Scotts moving into your orbits will make those orbits shift a little, but things will be fine.
    (Now I need to go take some pictures of the moon, speaking of orbits.)


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