It’s 5:16 in the morning and I am about to board another plane. So I guess you can say that all is right in the world.
I am breaking out of my anti-writing mode, although I still have four reports of the ten I have due by Friday in various stages of disrepair, but I have about 200 things on my mind to write about here and am not sure where to start. So, be warned, this post may be a rambling of sorts or it may be just a hodgepodge of things distributed in a willy nilly fashion.
First, let’s start with Thumper. Yesterday he posted a very raw post about the struggles he is having with anxiety and depression. I’ve made it no secret that I also battle both and about ten years ago, I had my breaking point after having several severe panic attacks that took me to the emergency room three times and almost caused a divorce because I was convinced that I would die any day from that fear, that pain, and that worry which then manifested itself into a mild depression. Also, like Thumper, I didn’t want to admit it, face it, or treat it despite the fact I live with an adolescent therapist who seemed to get joy out of pointing that out to me over and over again. So, Axel won and, I went to a mediocre therapist, well, a bad therapist, who wanted to blame everything on my childhood versus dealing with the current things that were causing me that pain, so I found a new one and, with him, we devised series of talk therapy sessions that were coupled with a nice pill once a day for the GAD and depression and a supplemental, as needed, pill that works for those moments when I can feel a super stress moment coming on or when I just can still feel a panic attack coming, which has not happened fully in ten years, though I still feel the signs of them from time to time and have learned how to stop it within myself. For those of you who have never had a panic attack, for me at least, they are not necessarily tied to a specific moment and just really come out of the blue, like when watching a movie, sitting at my desk typing, or having an otherwise fine day just being outside in the yard. The trigger(s) is still unknown the me, even after all this time, but I deal with it better each time and, like I said, I now know how to just shut them down before they even start.
I say all of this stuff in no way to try to one up Thumper or anything else, other than just to say that I, of all people, understand what’s going on in his mind and that may be why some people have been concerned that we “have not been there for each other” as I got two direct messages and three emails asking what I have/can done for him. I was taken aback at first and assumed it was because over the last few weeks you have not seen us commenting and bantering, but those conversations have been there, just more so in private. After thinking a bit, though, I smiled really big because, well, the world loves Thumper and I can certainly understand why, so I was honored that people would reach out to me to check on him too.
Also, I would ask you to take a long look at the comments left after his post as well. There was the “obligatory negative one” that he and I always seem to get after pretty much anything we do, but, this particular one impressed me because the writer used big words and spelled everything correctly which is really odd. That said and, excluding that comment which was really awful, the rest were some of the most thoughtful, caring ones I have seen and that really touched me and, I hope, also helped convince Thump that these type of posts are okay and appreciated. Of course, in full disclosure, last week when I laid it all out about Axel’s injury, the weirdness I felt about the Scotts, and other things, I called him because I felt weird that I had done that and had even considered removing the post. His response to me was “do you feel better?” And then he proceeded to call me an idiot, with compassion and caring of course, for even thinking I had done the wrong thing because, as he said, “it’s my space and I can say what I want to say. Period”. So, Thump, remember your own words when you need to.
In addition, there is a comment left there from a fellow with an amazing name who asked about me in his question. Thumper and I laughed at first because, well, it’s his blog about he and Belle and there are plenty of ways to get in touch with me if you are worried, but, in hindsite, I have to say that I did appreciate that, especially the back and forth that followed as that is one of the things I enjoy so much about Thump, his wit and mind (well, his ass and tongue are pretty fucking amazing, but we are not in that place right now so I can hold the whole post on that one for later). The coolest thing to me is that Thump says that because of his issues that he didn’t think he was there enough for me and I would say that because of my issues I was not there enough for him, but in reality, he and I went to a generic conversation pattern about baseball, politics, and cars where we would throw in the occasional “how are you?”, “anything I can do?”, and the rare yet appreciated, “just for the record, when are feeling better your/my ass will be waiting” and I think that all worked just fine. In fact, this showed me, at least in my head, that the relationship word he and I have jokingly, yet seriously, thrown around for the last few months is solid and more than a fuck buddy could ever be, because we have learned how to just be there without being irritating or too obvious. This is by both design and by nature because our primary relationship partners (the spouses)are always going to be the rock, but knowing we can and would be a stone, if and when needed, so to speak, is a really nice feeling (Did that make any sense at all?)
Finally, when you read those comments, there were an additional few that, though I think were well intentioned, in my mind really missed the mark because the commenters, somehow, refused or were unable to see Thumper as anything but a sexual being and are trying to stick all of his angst to his metal penis like a giant magnet. Well, magnets don’t stick to his penis (it was an experiment we tried that went real, real bad), nor should his issues because he is far more of a person who is defined by just his sexuality. Yes, he embraces his sexual side more than most, but you need to remember that is what you see of him, since there is that giant blog about nothing else, and there are far more aspects to the muggle side of him that are weird enough to cause all sorts of problems (heh, I couldn’t get ALL sappy here, now could I?), so, for those inclined to stick everything on kink, or chastity, or his dent, think a bit deeper because I don’t think you are doing anything good by trying to do that, especially knowing that many people do seek Thump out to help themselves embrace their own kink and raising red flags in a general fashion can cause trouble for newbies (yes, I say that knowing the irony that more than a few affirmative comments were from other locked men who also told tales of their depression, but knowing them as I do and in reading, none tied it to their dick either).
Now, I shall end this ramble which I suspect was caused by my dommy side kicking in to protect my boyfriend on some level, but I promise more about the Scotts and the further transition of my open marriage soon, which, spoiler alert, will include me showing them pictures of Thumper’s metalness and their reactions.