Last night, a reader named Michael left a comment on Denying Thumper that has bothered me all night. In fact, it bothered me so much at first that I started a conversation with Thumper about it that almost brought down the whole ThumperDrew Reality Show. It’s funny because this comment was, from what I can tell, 100 percent driven out of concern for me and I suspect he had no idea he would cause any angst, so if you are reading this, Michael, please know I did not think bad of you. What happened is that it made me start thinking about my place in this relationship, my lack of any power as to whether Thumper will ever want to have sex with me again, and then an over analyzation about where things stand going forward.
Michael asked the following questions to Thumper and he answered them on his blog which you can go look at, but I felt I wanted to answer them as well since these are the ones that have kept my mind racing.
So, to Michael:
“…are you unintentionally holding resentment about having all these feelings, or having to deal with these feelings, against Drew?”
I think it’s a fair question, though it’s not one I have even ever thought about, until you asked it. When you asked it I had to step back a bit and wonder, because, in fairness, this “lack of being wanted sexually” has caused my self esteem to take a slight hit here and there, even though I know Thumper and I know what the cause is and both of those things assure me that there is no way this is “my fault”, but I think it’s inherently male to think that someone, especially someone who has literally craved you before, will want you again, so I am not allowing those self esteem shocks to be any more than the random thought.
That said, I think you have literally taken the fact that he has, well, we both have, inadvertently labeled the type of sex we have and the thoughts he has about it as, “Drew sex” and, to an outsider, I can see where you would be able to think that about the resentment. In reality, “Drew sex” is simply an easier way of say “that sex which is approved by my spouse that I have with one of my inner circle friends who knows all my secrets and helps me embrace them while we are naked and putting things places and hurting him/being hurt by him right before we go to a meal and laugh and have a great time” sex. See why it’s easier?
So, long answer to this short statement, but no, in no way to do think or feel I am being blamed or, frankly, even considered as a possibility. Never forget, what he is thinking has much more to do with things that cannot be shared in a forum such as his blog.
“I only ask because aside from an occasional “he’s been a champ” phrase here or there, he’s only brought up when he’s the butt of a problem.”
First, the thirteen year old in me just giggles every time I see the “butt” off the problem listed, but, I digress.
Again, I can see where you are coming from and I have to admit that it would be nice to be mentioned in a way that is not at the end of a sentence that says “I’m so horny, but not for Drew” (I paraphrased), BUT, the big but here is that Denying Thumper is not about me at all. It’s an eight year chronicle of his relationship with Belle and his journey into denial and submission and I am just a small part of that journey at this point. A guest star at best, really. I knew that when we went into this and that is why I created this blog, which was less about sex and more about the relationship dynamic of me and Thumper. In this case, Axel is my guest star, see my point?
However, you mentioning this did make me think about this more and I expressed that to Thumper last night when we talked and asked him, when possible, to point to some of the positive things that has come from our unusual pairing. I am also not part of that blog out of respect for Belle as she is a reader and she doesn’t need to hear him discuss a great deal about my personal parts and what I do with them. That said, I don’t think she would mind him equalling the footing every now and then by balancing me a bit more by adding a sentence or two, but it’s his blog and he can do what he wants to.
Something else that came of this conversation was that I admitted to him that it felt very one sided many times and all of this imbalance is, in my mind, primarily due to the fact that I write this stuff about he and I and then it’s never balanced by anyone else. It’s somewhat like writing the “ode to Thumper” and without a response from him or the chorus, it can appear one sided even to me. So, I have asked him to post here more, even if just short quips, to help broaden this a bit and to give his perspective so that I am not always speaking for him. He agreed (remember, Thump?) and I hope that will provide some balance every now and then so that nobody ever has to say “Poor Drew” again, because Drew is fine, but I do get why some would not think that.
“…as you’ve done this more, his tone has gotten much darker.”
Yes, my tone has, but so has my attitude of late. This may or may not have something to do with Thumper and, if it does, I can promise you it’s the fact that I don’t like seeing someone I care about deeply hurting and that’s it’s not about the lack of sex. Also, this has been mentioned, but at the same time these things were going down, my life hit a perfect storm of things and it got a bit cloudy and even stormy at times. But, the winds are shifting, Axel and I are having incredible sex, his pain is now managed and surgery scheduled, and my work is slowing down, so I will be back to writing about the kinky marriage of Axel and Drew, especially as the new cage is being delivered late this week.
Finally, to close this, Thumper and I did not break up as there is nothing really to break (I have no albums to return, etc). Yes, we are on a sexual break until things sort out and will likely not see each other until January, but, unlike Ross and Rachel, there are no hard feelings and we will still likely weave in and out of each other’s daily lives just as much and maybe even more now that the elephant in the room was addressed. We can’t predict the future sexually, though I suspect it will happen again just because, well, have you seen my arms, but who gives a fuck if a fuck doesn’t occur because what we can predict is that “relationshiply” there is ZERO doubt in my mind that this aspect will not continue to move at a steady pace.
Does that help, Michael?