We’ve talked many times about Axel and I having to adjust when I get back from a week on the road, especially in light that when I am gone we now have some very salacious text exchanges and conversations about moving things forward more and more and, in many ways. If, in reality, nothing else happens physically because we each have schedules that are non-traditional, to say the least, those texts and conversations get our minds and genitals in the right place for when we can physically have the time and when all the stars align to create some really wonderful BDSMish sex.
However, this time, after a few days home I am feeling something very familiar, but very odd in terms of a D/s dynamic, which is that I have moved into a very naturally submissive mode without feeling the slightest bit kinky. Yes, my private parts are still locked in titanium, but I have moved more into a caregiver mode and I suspect it’s where I am going to stay for at least the next six to eight months both for physical reasons on his part and mental reasons on both of our parts.
I say this because, as I have mentioned before, Axel is broken right now and I am in charge, at least in my own head, of always keeping a roll of duct tape within reach to try my best to patch him when possible.
For those not familiar, Axel had a modified version of a hip replacement three years ago when we were both 41 years old. He had been an athlete most of his life, specifically baseball, and one of his hips simply wore out too early. He does not have the kind you see all the late night commercials about regarding class action lawsuits and we were fully aware that one in one million people (or something similar) can develop an allergy to it within a few years, but we cast that aside as nothing showed up at all, until it did, and when it did, it showed up with a vengeance.
Because of the time it takes to build a custom full replacement that will be able to go in where the other one was and fill a portion of the thigh bone they removed, the earliest time he could have it replaced would have been December 23rd and, for no other reason than I worried about the lack of available care in the days that followed due to the holidays (and, well, who wants to meet their out of pocket deductible four days before it expires) he chose early January and an 11 hour surgery is already scheduled.
So, ALL that to say that when I got back from down under the other night, I was taken aback by how fast the downhill roll has gone as he just looks miserable. Part of the issue is the allergy creates a higher level of cobalt in the blood, which somehow messes with the thyroid, combined with retention of fluid and, well, he’s about 40 pounds heavier than he was six months ago and that is messing with his mind as much as the pain, which is constant and steady but, luckily, chemically managed to avoid the spikes, but, as he says, “it’s like having a kicking you in the balls once an hour, ever hour”.
We had sex the night I returned and good sex at that, but while I would typically say it was an honor that someone I had just fucked walked funny for a few days, this time is was not humorous at all and I still feel guilty (okay, maybe making him descend from the trapeze into the sling was a bad idea in retrospect). So, maybe the locked dick is good for other reasons now too? As a discipline plus, this morning I brought up the idea of a cane and, well, I might get caned tonight, because he did not like that at all. So there’s that :).
I say all this to say that I just ponder if the “mental training” I have allowed myself to be submissive to him over the last few years is kicking in more and more or of it’s just the love and respect that comes with being in love with someone and not liking watching what they have to go through. Perhaps it’s a combination of both because I can certainly see how one would enhance the other, so maybe over the next six months I will learn how to balance that or use one to play up the other. Three years ago, I was a perfect caregiver, but I absolutely know I did that only by need and less about desire, if that makes sense.
So, I doubt there is going to be any more great wild sex or bondage games or BDSM for awhile, so I will just have to get my submissive jollies by taking care of him, which, I am actually honored to be able to do, though I think the came with the marriage contract and not the chaste one.
Actually, I was going to end this at the above, but it brought up a question that Ferns and I discussed last week AFTER SHE KISSED ME (we can’t let that be forgotten) about a few submissive types (specifically an Australian female sub she and I both follow, but she doesn’t follow us) who turn their submissiveness into “all about them” in the sense of the “my Dom would not be able to function without me” area and as I went to close this I had to wonder if I had just done that. But, what I have done, in my head, I think, is have found/or am finding a way to get my submissive jollies while making the best out of a situation beyond both our controls. Maybe.