It’s midnight. I’m so sleepy but can’t seem to sleep. It’s been an odd week, which we all knew it would be, but today was my day where I decided I was not going to work, I was not going to go to the gym, and I was not going to make any excuses for just being tired as fuck both mentally and physically. So, aside from driving the carpool to rehab for Axel and an excursion to the big grocery store out in the suburbs, I stayed in and binge watched The Man in the High Castle, a brilliant series for those of you in the US who can legally get Amazon TV.
This post is not about complaining (well, it’s not supposed to be) and it’s not about pity, but just more me writing out my thoughts as to the week as I prepare to go back on the road next week which has me incredibly nervous because Axel is not anywhere near where we expected him to be at this point. But, every day is better and I really hope tonight is the night he won’t scream in his sleep – well, to be fair, he has always talked in his sleep and this really isn’t screaming as much as it’s just a stream of “Fucking fuck fuck fuck God damned fucking leg” over and over again and that just kills me, especially because I can hear it upstairs. You know, before I get up and shut the bedroom door (kidding).
It’s funny too because one would think that since we are together essentially 24 hours a day now, which is far from typical, that the bonding would be intense, but the reality is that it’s bonding but it’s a tad isolating because it’s so one sided at the moment. Plus, it kills me a bit every night when I help him into bed in the downstairs guest room, kiss him on the forehead and then go upstairs to our bed alone (Stella has been glued to him since he got home). I could stay down there with him, but it’s a full size (or maybe queen) bed and we sleep in a king and I am just terrified that I would hurt him just with an accidental roll over or the 2am random targeted hump that I am known to do as well, especially because, well, it’s been weeks since I have had some intimate fun, people. Weeks. (fyi, I find humor in that knowing that a great deal of locked readers just rolled their eyes)(hee-hee).
Speaking of the locking, as many of you know, Axel wanted me to lock the day of his surgery and stay that way until I traveled again. Of course I did it and I actually really enjoyed it, because, to me, it wasn’t about the sexual side of things, but just more that even though at that moment he could have given a fuck as to whether I even had a penis, much less a steel one, I knew that eventually he would be proud of that and that made me tremendously happy. However, about a week in, I had an issue with Axel, the cage, that caused me to take it off because the gap between the ring and the tube is just slightly too large and I started swelling out of that area which then caused several little lesions that are currently quickly healing. Of course, the absolute beauty of having a Steelwerks device (or one of the beauties at least) is that I texted pictures to Chris at SW the next morning and he immediately responded with “wow, I need to fix that, here are my ideas…” (btw, the ideas are incredible and I will share that really soon). There is NOTHING wrong with the device aside from a measurement error, but he is willing to adjust that immediately and that’s why I have always called him the BMW of devices (though I am not sure he has a loaner policy when in for service like my BMW does, hmmmm).
Anyway, that was a technical error that had nothing to do with me, but I felt like such a failure because I could not complete my time. Logical Drew is laughing at me in my own head, but that “I failed at chastity again” voice is nagging me like that fat kid on the Simpson’s. Of course, Axel did not mind at all and hasn’t given me not being locked a second thought, but I think it’s a feeling that some of you who wear devices will get and I assume that will just go away in time. That said, there is a part of me that is a little bit excited that I do have that feeling at the same time. Go figure.
In addition, this is the first time in a long while I have missed the concept of the “boyfriend on the side” part of things and I have felt a bit like I am going backwards mentally from my whole new “let’s just fuck and not have any of the emotional bullshit” attitude I had adopted though I STILL think is the prevailing way to go. Now, it’s at this point I feel I have to both specify and be BLUNTLY OPEN AND HONEST because these feelings are not that it is Thumper specifically who is missed, because, in the reality, he’s been really good to me this week in checking on things, fielding my randomness at the novelties I am experiencing like grocery shopping and, get this, even reading my posts. In fact, he even sent a text that said “Give Axel a hug for me” at the weird time Axel was holding my phone, and that just made him smile so big that I wanted to fly to Minnesota real quick just to give him a hug for causing that smile. So, again, to be clear commenting people, IT’S NOT ABOUT THE BUNNY. What it is about, I think, is just the need to be both emotionally and physically raw with someone trusted that is nagging at me. I know it is just a combination of horniness with a touch of loneliness, and these things will pass, so I am not even that worried about it, but it’s just funny, yet again, where the brain goes. Of course, the brain also goes to the comical place of this, because if I did happen to have that hot, dreamy, 6’4″, tan, built, beautiful blond man (you know, the male equivalent to Ferns) tied up on all fours at the end of this bed I am on, I would feel so damn guilty about touching him when my husband is downstairs unable to even put his own pants on, that I would likely just read him a book, give him cab fare and directions home, and send him on his way (oh yeah, unlike the Ferns analogy, I like my dreamy built fantasy guys to be a bit stupid so I can just lay back and have them do things to me while I say “talk stupid to me, boy” over and over again).
This is getting long and I think I will publish this because, yet again, writing is therapeutic for me and if you read me often, you know this ain’t a sex blog anymore anyway, so there!
Finally, I also feel I should say goodbye now, just in case the Snowpacolypse that is coming wipes out all of my abilities to communicate with the outside world. My particular area of the South is supposed to get 4-6″ of snow on Friday which, here, simply means that the armageddon might be starting as chaos is already erupting all over the land of retail and schools are already closing in anticipation of this horribleness that is white. Of course, I am a snow lover deep in my soul, so I am going to build a fire (well, press the button), give my husband an extra pill or two, and feel no guilt in being lazy two days in one week!