Missing Kinky

Hello again from another Skyclub. This is a particularly festive one in the Atlanta airport with good soup and even better cookies. The last few days have been interesting in both a good and a bad way, but interesting none the less. On the positive, Axel and I have spent more time together over the last six weeks than I think we have in ten years or so. On the negative, Axel and I have spent more time together over the last six weeks than I think we have in ten years or so. Seriously, it’s a great thing and I have honestly loved the change of pace, but I am a man used to being alone a lot of times, especially when I work from home, and this has just been a huge adjustment and he is a man who is hugely independent and having to rely on me, and others while I travel, is not anything he is enjoying at all. As for Axel, he has about 4-6 more weeks at home (last week he slipped a bit in the shower and that set him back at least two weeks according to his rehab people) so I have vowed to actually enjoy it as much as possible, not work too much on work, and just hang with him –  even though he is miserable because he wants to be better than he is at this stage. Stubborn men.

In addition, I had a flu like cold last week and somehow managed to break a titanium tooth implant deep inside my jaw which hurt tremendously, so I then added my own little bottle of painkillers on the counter next to Axel’s. Because I was sick and since it was a Friday, they could not do surgery to take it out until two days ago, so it was just a long weekend followed by a few hours asleep on Monday and twenty something stitches inside my jaw. During this period I wanted to write a post or seven but refrained because I have learned in the past that pain medicine does nothing to ease me in any way aside from the pain and actually causes me to tense up and have tremendous anxiety which, in this case, made me mad at almost every friend I have for one particular reason or another and made me doubt the existence of anything real in this realm of control I want and/or need. This, of course, caused me to reflect back upon the last year with a viewpoint I knew was not real, just that I could not help. So, all that to say is that I purposely waited to post because most of you would have hated me by today (except for Ferns, we have that unconditional thing going – I just feel it). The good news is that, in my case, having my jaw sliced and diced to get rogue metal out was actually far less painful than when it was in there, so I am off the meds and no longer hate anyone.

Well, I am still pretty pissed at the Scotts, but Axel tells me I have to stop even thinking about them..

However, since I brought them up, I have to say that I have been particularly fixated on the why they dropped like they dropped and how someone who can go so fast toward a goal can just literally stop and go the other way in the apparent blink of an eye. Axel is long past it and actually  couldn’t be bothered by it anymore, in theory, which has left me wondering why I am fixated?  I can’t say I am hurt. I can’t say I am missing out since I really wasn’t in, and I can’t say I really miss them. However, yesterday I think I found a clue as to why and, of course, it came from our dear friend the rabbit.

Thump and I have not talked too much lately and, yesterday morning, I decided to just text him something which led to another text of me saying “I miss being kinky”. I wasn’t saying I missed him, or missed this, that or anything specific, just that I had missed that kinky feeling I had gotten used to feeling. I had in it Montreal, but it was fleeting, and I realize most all of this is situational based on the fact my home is full of walkers, crutches, and raised toilet seat chairs in each bathroom, so it was just a general statement and when sexy returns home, I suspect it will to me too.

He came back with “well, go find someone. I am sure there are plenty of people who would welcome the chance”. It was a very innocent reply by him, and perhaps even a rare compliment, but, (note I was taking big white OxyContin pills), I reacted to him with something like “Thanks. Yeah, that’s easier said than done” while my mind went through a series of pissed off thinking he was rather trite about it, hurt because he and I had made it too fucking complicated, and irritated that my mind just won’t allow me to do that spur of the moment sex thing, let along anything that involves power control. I act like this took hours of thought, but it really was a 30-40 second thing which was followed by the idea that that COULD be fun, as, in fact, there are two men in Australia who I have gotten close to that I would jump on a plane to fuck/be fucked right now if I could – more on them in a subsequent post, but this was then a realization of the dread that follows the idea of looking for something new because I am so complicated. I think that is why the Scotts have irritated me so, because we spent so much time working out the complications, me baring all my secrets to them about this blog, my penis, Thumper’s penis and more and, after it was finally all out there, worked out and done, crickets. They put a ton of effort into it too and I get that, but it just makes it weird and makes me dread having to “negotiate” again if and when I choose to do that.

That said, the happier side of that also now tells me that, logically, they were just not the right people for this because, with the right extra, things would likely not be that complicated. With Thumper, yeah, we discussed lines, limits and spouses, but we often did it naked while having a good time doing so. It was never like that with them so I think I missed that true sign because, while all relationships need work, most should not cause work immediately and that sign is something I will take forward with me.

Time to board and fly North to where it is currently snowing and cold. That makes me happy.

More soon on my friends, who I have threatened to call OZ and Plugboy, coming up real soon (and, yes, PB, I did that).

3 thoughts on “Missing Kinky

  1. Re: Teh Complicated

    It always is. And every time, I think, “…uuupfgh…” and take longer and longer to roll with anything. Like you, I just can’t DO sex-only, so I’ve leaned more and more toward “friendship plus” in that we have an organic connection to start with, and the older I get (40 next month!), the fonder I am of long distance relationships. Yes, they can still get complicated. But NOT having someone right in my backyard makes the missings sweeter and the inevitable endings so much simpler.

    Like

  2. Totally unconditional, of course!! *~smile~*

    I will cheer if you get some uncomplicated, casual, kinky sexy-times happening, and I will also be envious. I SO wish I could do it. I honestly think that if it was my thing, I could be perfectly content having a few of those ongoing liaisons and I would not miss the responsibilities and complexities of a full time relationship at all. Plus: FUN!

    Go git some! For me too.

    Ferns

    Liked by 2 people

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