Yesterday I wrote a post about Mixed Muggle Marriages and about how I have bonded with these two men in Australia who are going through the same things that Axel and I have been flirting with for many years now; the vanilla other half.
I was happy with that post and the honesty that was in there that followed a conversation with Oz and PB about “did we settle?” and I think it’s actually quite a good thing to have these conversations with someone (likely someone not the vanilla side of your couple-ship) because, at least for me, the reality of the “I have a damn good thing happening” is almost always the result at the end of the conversation. In addition, I have to wonder how we would be if we really had the person who fueled every single fantasy? In my case, I could tell you I’d never get any work done and my house would be a constant mess.
But, what hit me last night as I was going to bed going through my John Boy Walton Twitter Goodnight list that I do every single night at bedtime with “good night Thumper, good night Belle, good night Steelwerks, good night Charmer, good night Snake, good night Ferns, good night Nerdydirty, good night Lion, good night Mrs. Lion, good night Tom, good night Mrs. Fever, have an itchy but good night Kiwi, etc” that what I wrote about and what Ferns is doing with the vanilla dating experience is absolutely nothing new and I know for a fact through many of my Twitter friends, that every single one of us (on the kinky and non kinky side of the fence) once did or or continues to struggle with the acceptance of our partner, the possible embarrassment of admission, the coming out so to speak, and, most likely, a deep fear of what if we did get everything we wanted? So I know my Aussie boys and myself, are not unique in this at all, which is what I feared I had expressed in the first post about it. In my case, I still, every single day have those above feelings with Axel, and even had them with Thumper who, in theory, knew more about the sexual side of me than anyone, so I think it’s important that we continue to state that for those people who are just starting this process with their boring, err, I mean vanilla partner?
But, when I have these thoughts, good or bad, I go back to what I have learned from these bloggers who write this stuff, who tell their inner needs, etc and I always come back to the aforementioned “I have it pretty good” place and then I finally go to sleep. I have teased Thump about starting this trend before and have threatened to start a “Fans of denyingthumper.com web group”, because I do credit him with a deal of starting a trend of open, honest dialogue.
To add to this, and to further add to the mix for those of you on the same side of the partner kink puzzle, have you ever really thought about what would it REALLY have looked like if your other half said “I’m glad you brought that up because I have been meaning to talk to you about my desire for you to be (insert deep dark fantasy here)“. Don’t lie, I know you have. I have many many times, but it doesn’t make me sad or anything other than what I said above. I bring this up because this morning Canadian Chris and I were having a talk aboot things and the subject came up about two or three couples we each know separately who did meet their darker other halves and, well, I personally think they are way further fucked up in their day to day lives and kink versus muggle ratio than any of us with the split spectrum. I don’t say this to judge, nor do I say this to imply that every kinky/kinky coupling has issues, but it’s just that reality on the other side of the fantasy we often don’t allow ourselves to see and it’s a valuable lesson to me when I do start to wonder “what if?”
The only actual real life situation I can place on this is with me and on my muggle side because, when I told my parents I was gay way back when almost 20 years ago and outside the now fantastic story of how that happened, my mother expressed to me a deep worry that, “because of my gayness“, I would never know a solid relationship that wasn’t filled with external strife, judgment, and other factors that would keep me and my partner (she actually said “lover” until I threatened to jump off a bridge if I ever heard her say that again) from having a “terrific young happy love experience” like my sister who, at the time was married probably five or six years. I never gave that much thought honestly until a few years ago, at a very specific event, she and I were having just a fun conversation when she said something like she is so surprised, and so happy that I did “have it all” and that how wrong she was about things and her projections versus reality. We both really laughed when we thought about it, and brought Axel in as well, because it was right around our 15th happy year and apparently, we proved the reality was better in the long run.
Of course, this specific event I referenced was the party we were at to celebrate my sister’s fourth marriage. Young happy terrific love, my ass.