So here we are on a random Thursday and I find myself with 35 extra minutes I didn’t plan for, so I thought I would write a bit and try to get this posting thing up and moving at a steady speed again. Life is funny in many ways right now, because I don’t know if I have ever found myself at such a point where I am craving both the dom and the sub parts of me with such a vigor that I am not allowing myself to be satisfied on either side.
But first, to address the rabbit in the room, I spend Tuesday afternoon and evening with Thumper and had such a nice time. As you know, we are not talking about naked things here for awhile, though I will venture as much to say that there were none this time, but I remember at some point during dinner just smiling a bit to myself because I was very proud that he and I, a year and a half later, have been able to just be what we are with each other and, I think I speak for him, genuinely enjoy our time together. That said, it’s somewhat funny this week because I am still here. I am working, of course, but just having me around and me having him around, even if we are not seeing each other, is such an odd dynamic that it’s kinda fun in some ways but also totally makes me even more glad that we never started what we started while in the same city. I fly home tomorrow and he and I are going to have a quick dinner tonight, so it will be good to say goodbye in person (again).
Anyway, back to this whole dom/sub conundrum. I want to be submissive. I want to explore every single aspect of it and enjoy it, love it, and embrace it, but I am just not naturally that. That said, up until recently I have been fighting the idea of it based solely on that, but have decided that, in some ways, that is what training is for and if I want it bad enough, I need to let that guard down and go get it. In some ways, I see it as a challenge and one I need to take on full force and have recently been talking to a Dom who is local about stepping in and helping Axel channel his natural dominance and helping me find a submissive happy place. I think he’s likely not that interested in me because I am going to take some work in addition to the whole husband, past boyfriend, public blogging thing, but he’s nice to talk to and I hope that we keep talking as well because just being around people like that will, I know,will help me grow. And, for the record, he’s hot as fuck. I mean, for God’s sake, just knowing Ferns has taught me 200 things just through osmosis.
But, when I tell myself that I can’t learn this, I have to think about another side of me that is intrinsically an introvert and the fact that I have trained myself to not be when I am working and, apparently, when I am blogging and meeting people who read this. I say that because I am the guy who has two liberal arts degrees because, and only because, they were the only two that did not require public speaking as part of the class. The idea terrified me and I was never going to ever have to talk to anyone as a group. Ever. Then, fast forward a few years and I get my very first job out of college that, get this, required me to go around the country and, yep, give speeches. I was poor, young, and the $18,400 a year it paid me made me feel RICH. So, with time and a few embarrassing situations, I made myself do it. I made myself get better at it and, though I will never, ever tell you I am a natural speaker, 20 years later I travel around the world speaking to people who are way smarter than me and making a good living while doing that.
So, why can’t the same logic apply? The base is that I know I am incredibly turned on by it, I know my husband would give his left arm to have it feel natural for me, and I know that there is the potential to help out there, so I would be foolish to allow my insecurities to get the best of me again, wouldn’t I?
Now, on the dom side, I think you all know that side of me better so I don’t have to explain it as much, but whatever I do on the sub end, I feel my dom side being all, well, dominant, like it’s screaming in my head “don’t forget about me, boy”. I know I can gag that side when I need to, but ultimately I think it will have to be a key element in what I wind up or as I continue to evolve, right?
The bottom line is that whatever happens, it’s going to be interesting and I continue to pat myself on the back for just being open to that idea because, the Drew of the past, would have never, ever done any of what I have done thus far and, well, I would not have met some incredible people like I now have along the way.
This is part one, but the next meeting calls, so something will follow. In the meantime, as always, your thoughts are welcome.
I understand the duality, while I am only ever a dabbler in such things, have enjoyed being Dominating and being Dominated and both have their appeals.
I hope that you can find a way to walk both paths, yet remain yourself
Such a well written post, Drew.
This gives me pause for an introspective myself . Hope you don’t mind if I steal the idea?
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I really look forward to reading more about how you find that balance between the desire to be submissive and the desire to be Dominant. I’ve never really understood switches, like, *at-fucking-all*, so I’m stoked to have the opportunity to read what goes on in your head as you move down that path. Maybe it’ll help me understand better, too.
I’m so interested to see where this takes you. I’ve struggled with the feelings of being a switch for so long and am just now accepting that it’s not only okay, but that it may actually help me in being a Domme to know what it is my sub is feeling because of being one too. Best wishes to you on your journey. xo
Add me to the list that wants to read more about how you balance the two. I feel like the ultimate flip flopper because just when I think that I have finally reached my true happy sub self, I get an overwhelming urge to be dominant and then I’m a mess all over again. More importantly, it’s nice to see a post from you. I’ve missed reading your writing. xx