Over Thinking

I am an over thinker.

Axel is an over thinker.

Thumper is an over thinker.

Belle is an over thinker.

Almost everyone I have ever named in this blog is an over thinker. I think in many ways, the shear fact that you are reading this means that you are also an over thinker. We over share. We over communicate. We over worry. We over process.

The question, however, is does over thinking make us better or worse at an open relationship?

I am not sure if it’s right or wrong that we are this way because, in many ways, I think that is a sign of intelligence; however, this week I over thought every single thing D/s related and, in reality, that over thinking nearly ended something fun before it started and created a very lonely homecoming Friday afternoon when I got back because I had created these amazing expectations that reality could not support – i.e.: Axel wasn’t even home. It wasn’t a bad homecoming and Ax and I had some great sex, but my mind was in the cloud of what I wasn’t doing now, what I likely wouldn’t be doing later, and how could I fix everything to have my cake and eat it as well. Argh.

Though, as I start a new week today (being Sunday morning) I am vowing to just go with the flow of things as much as possible and enjoy it. Work wise, I have a busy travel week ahead but a pretty easy work week when I get to my places (including NYC – my favorite) because they generally are consisting of one, maybe two meetings that I have arranged with lots of downtime around them (though I could work). Plus, the middle of the week I am in the Land of Thumper, though he and I are calendar challenged again (the curse of the non-primary – both ways – ha). That will work out, though, never fear.

Finally, I ask all of this about the thinkers and the openness because a few days ago I found out that two of my married friends were separated because one of “cheated”. Now, I know both of these people well enough to know that throughout that marriage both of them had men on the side and I always just assumed that it was open, but it officially wasn’t because they didn’t communicate to each other. Then, one day, one got spotted with a new fella and, boom, divorce. It’s so stupid really because that could have been avoided, which, to bring this full circle, through over thinking. Right?

So, I think there is an advantage, just curious as to your opinions about the mix.




  1. I’ll take an overthinker in a relationship any day. People who don’t fully think things through (the “Fire! – Ready! – Aim! crowd) are extremely risky partners. Jumping in without looking where you leap is just plain dangerous.

    As for the cheating: I’ve never understood it, but it is a long-ingrained cultural construct. You can cheat in a poly relationship just as you can in a mono one. At its heart though, cheating is lying. Broken trust – regardless of who is at fault – is incredibly difficult to recover from.

    If, however, what it boils down to in the divorce situation you’re talking about, is a one-penis-policy… Well, that’s obviously not working for either of them, so why not be up front about it?

    Oh, that’s right… Because communicating openly, honestly, and consistently is fucking HARD. That’s why.


  2. Overthinking can be good sometimes. But I have found that if overthinking is all that is done and no communication with it, it will kill a relationship fast. I really try to not overthink. I can spot it now and I know when I am starting. It can and most of the time does send me down the rabbit hole. A place I try to not go.

    The cheating thing….. Again communication is key. I think a relationship of important can over come anything but both parties has to want it.


  3. My personal view, the phrase “over think” originates from a superficial, popular culture unwilling to consider issues carefully or intelligently. See: the housing market, US credit card debt, our presidential race, most of what Congress does…. Of course, I refuse to impugn a good time by saying,”I drank too much.” I prefer to say, “I drank just enough.”, so, I may simply have a perspective issue.

    But I agree with Mrs. fever,”ready, fire aim” is a bad way to make decisions.


  4. Not sure so much about the “over-thinking” but more about “over-communicating.” For us, our communications has skyrocketed and now isn’t just “yeah, we *can* talk about anything” to “we talk about everything.”

    And we talk in different mediums. We tweet at each other. We blog to each other. Email. IM. Oh, and talk too. But it’s different now. We face into issues as best we can. We’re not perfect at it, but it’s a very specific thing we’ve nurtured and continue to learn.

    And I think this whole thing we are all involved in at one level or flavor or another is a big piece of that. It sort of pushes you to communicate in order to make it work. It starts with things that are interesting, then you learn about safewords and communications about stuff you’re interested in exploring.

    But once that gets rolling, you can move to some pretty deep things like opening your relationship if that’s something you want. Or thirds/fourths or … whatever. That stuff REQUIRES over-talking/over-thinking/etc. You have to have your arms around it in a big way.

    I think with a lot of life we can sort of do the “got it” thing and move on without having to worry that we didn’t think through the “what if” stuff.

    But that doesn’t really work when you’re tweaking things that are fundamental to your relationship, your lifestyle. Too many moving parts that have to be considered.

    Some talk/think even more (me) than others (her) but there’s no denying that it’s upped both of our games for communication.


  5. I’m for communicating, and thinking. You can definitely “overthink” something, to the point where it’s necessary to step back and just try something and see how it works, then adjust incrementally.

    As for your friends divorcing: I saw an excellent article from back in 2012 the other day. The checklist at the bottom is excellent – and necessary. Definitely no overthinking there, but a lot of communication and difficult questions.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s