So, yesterday it happened. That WTF moment that makes you just wonder, “could Thumper be right?”.
See, up until I met the rabbit, I was one of those gay guys that was just always gay. I had never thought about the full spectrum of human sexuality nor had I really cared, because you were straight, gay, and maaaaaaaaybe that bisexual thing existed too. Sure, sure, there were the straight men who had said in the media or in other type places that they had once, maybe twice thought about a man sexually or maybe touched him inappropriately (or appropriately if the lighting was right) but that they were still straight as an arrow. In my head I was convinced that they were really one gin and tonic and tickle away from really being gay and that was, simply, that.
Then, I started reading Thump and my mind was opened to this idea of the Kinsey scale, though it never applied in reverse to me. A few years later, I met Thump and it really connected because I had met a real, live, confirmed bisexual man and watched as he went between the sexes with different emotions, attractions, reactions and more. It was like watching magic just happen. During this, he started talking to me about lady parts, how they work, how they look and how they <gasp> taste and, while I opened my mind a bit, I was absolutely convinced I was so far to the side of the Kinsey scale that I would never budge.
Then, yesterday happened.
Now don’t get all scared, people, because I didn’t do anything, but I was in the middle of nowhere in Western Canada and was enduring a grueling 36 hours that contained 18 individual meetings. It was painful, but two of these meetings were with really attractive men, so I could occupy my mind a bit and muddle through. Then, late in the day, I had a one to one meeting with a woman who, well, took my breath away. It was bad in many senses because I was technically not giving her any good news at all, but, fuck she was stunning in a way that went far beyond her looks. It’s funny because it didn’t hit me at first what was happening at all. I mean, I have been around many pretty women in my life and even have the pleasure of calling the prettiest of the pretty, Ferns, my Australian girlfriend, but something was different here. So, I continued with the meeting and, sadly, during the worst part of it, I suddenly realized that I found this woman sexually appealing – a fact that I cannot recall ever, ever happening. I was drawn to her. I wondered how she smelled. I wondered how she felt. I even <cue gasp> starting placing mental images of the graphs, charts and pictures Thump had put on the Lady Part Whiteboard ™ for me and was placing those on her. It. Was. Scary. But it felt really really good.
The meeting didn’t last too long and she left and I immediately felt guilty. I don’t know if I felt guilt because of Axel or all my gay brothers, but I did. As silly as that because I had visualized almost every man I met yesterday naked without a single iota of guilt, but wondering how this woman smelled just triggered my sense of shame. How funny is that? I sat there and wondered if I was going to go to the hotel and look at straight porn or if I would suddenly “get” all those vagina pictures that Chris at Steelwerks sends me to be funny. It was madness in my mind for about 17 whole seconds. That’s almost a third of a minute, people.
But, I regained my composure and life went on and, thankfully, Thump still had the man pictures on the portfolio. Whew.
I know this is nothing and perfectly natural and likely is something that has happened in the past I didn’t connect with, but, it’s just funny how through all of this blogging fun and the wonderful people I have connected with, how it’s opened my eyes to so much more of what sexuality is and how embracing whatever feeling you have is a damn good thing.
Finally, Ferns, while you didn’t win the Tesla with this, you did get a wee bit closer.
(FYI, the Ferns and the Tesla is a long standing joke about that would be her prize if I ever wound up straight or bi – I can’t remember. Thumper gets something too though. Hmmm)