Good morning from a chair hidden behind a sushi bar at O’Hare International airport. It’s actually closed and I didn’t know I was trespassing, but the nice manager man who tried to kick me out decided I was just fine and could stay when I flashed my metal dick and said “really?”
Hah, wouldn’t that be fun? However, in no world would that ever be me, so I really just acted innocent, smiled a bit and he said that I could stay “as long as I wanted“. Get that, people, ss long as I wanted. What a day.
So, if you have not gathered by my whining, my last few weeks have been pure hell from a work point of view. It’s not been with bad people or weird bosses or anything, just crazy busy which is a fact that I can’t decide whether is good or bad in that billable hour way since I am about 220 percent ahead of where I am supposed to be. Yes, it buys me time should I want to slow down later in the year. Yes, it helps secure a bonus next year, but I am beginning to question the price I am paying for this in health – I’m getting fat again and can’t workout regularly, in friendships – I am never home to see anyone and have stopped being invited to things, to my marriage – I think this is already understood, and, well, to my sexual well being – because the starts, stops, and sideways moves are getting old. But, I am tired and this is likely a product of that so I am not making any decisions for awhile.
I have one more city today, a three hour afternoon meeting, and two flights home tonight (the second of which is a 35 minute Atlanta layover for the last flight of the day and it makes me nervous) and I am giddy that my entire weekend, five days actually, are going to be devoted to cleaning, organizing, spending time with Axel and maybe, just maybe, adding some of the kink back in. Should I clean naked and collared? Just walk around in only the cage? or maybe get him to just lock me in a sleepsack after an Ambien so I can finally just sleep. Hah. Now the mind is racing but, that ain’t a bad thing. Plus, I see Thump in a week and anytime I get to embrace my sub side, the Dom side suddenly rages.
So, I write this all about a question to those of you who actively practice your kinks on a regular, consistent basis, especially to those of you who have consistent rules and protocols.
My question is, do these things make your day better? do you feel more organized? do you feel relaxed knowing that some of the decisions of your day are made for you? do these questions make any sense out of context?
(I’m being kicked out of the sushi bar now – hold please)(he is no longer a nice manager man)
Okay, I am back. I am flying an airline I don’t have club access to and, as pretentious as this sounds (just for you M.)Â I really miss it just simply for a quiet place for me to be able to sit down and write smut, or work, yeah, “work”.
Back to the above. I ask those questions because, right now, I am at what I feel is the highest level of un-organization I have ever been at in life. At home, Axel has been as crazy as me work wise and our laundry is clean, but evidently sorted by blind fairies (seriously, how sad would that be that they’d never get to see how pretty they were?? Awww) after we finish folding it because I am now constantly getting places with one of his shirts, without my underwear, or, socks that don’t match – we are two educated people but, for whatever reason, we have lost the ability to know that one black sock does not mean all black socks match it. As a point, right now I am wearing his shoes because he apparently left them on my side of the closet and, in a mad rush to pack, I grabbed them instead of mine. Sadly, they are my least favorite pair of his he has, but luckily he’s a 12.5 and I am a 13, so we are at least close enough. This is not how I operate and this, plus about 200 other stupid, stupid mistakes, are killing me.
On top of that home level of unorganized, professionally, my ability to focus has dwindled to a point that I write one thing, go get a snack, write another paragraph, go get another snack, stare at what I wrote, go mow the yard – halfway. I know a lot of this is the shear volume of what I have had going on, but the lack of focus worries me.
Sexually and personally, my drive is up and down and left and right depending on the hour. That alone doesn’t bother me, but when it’s like that it’s so easy to forget the kink we gave established that I worry it will go away forever. Add to this my uneven workouts and recently horrid diet, and, well, that has to change.
So, back to my question. If I asked Axel to set some very specific guidelines does anyone think it would help for the basics? I feel like it would both please me and royally piss me off, so I don’t know, to be honest, and do not want to start something again that is my fault for not finishing.
Hmmm. I guess I have five days to work on that.
The Drew Duality 
I think you have a pretty accurate depiction of how it might be.
Some days, my rules, restrictions, guidelines, and generally being at Eiren’s beck and call is wonderful… having decisions made for me is rewarding, exciting, and just makes me feel so in tune with myself….
Then other days all I want to do is my own thing and damn all the rules, I’m an adult and I’ll misbehave as I see fit, God damn it!
Obviously, the second scenario isn’t ideal and it is dealt with, but that doesn’t stop my feeling that way. It doesn’t stop my natural need for some semblance of full control over my decisions, and wants…
So I guess it really just depends. It depends on what I have on my plate, what Eiren had on hers… it depends on every little finicky thing in our lives, really. That isn’t to say that it isn’t rewarding, though…
I’m fact, the harder days might even make it more rewarding. A sort of “Fuck you, world! This is our life and we WILL make it work!”
My two cents, at least. 😉
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S makes the rules. I follow them, mostly. He’s the trellis so I can bloom and flower and reach the sun. He also makes the bed so I have a cozy place to sleep. 🙂
This has been our dynamic for about a decade, and it works really well. I have veto power for rules, but have only used it once. It works really well for us.
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Hey Drew,
I liked todays post, but not for its alt content, acid wit, or self deprecated humor. I liked it because you’re paying attention to the cost of how much you travel.
Anyone who knows you has to feel that your travel schedule is an endurance event that will test you to failure. As much as I know your out there killing it, I have empathy for the cost.
Wishing the best for you,
Hapa
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Just because I cancelled our last breakfast?? Hah. Thank you and, you are right, the toll comes calling fast at times.
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I can’t answer your question about protocols, but I can comment on the other stuff. When I worked, it was nearly at the same pace as you. Less travel, but constantly manic. You’re getting burned out. I know you know this, but I also know that in the midst of it, it’s hard to see for yourself sometimes. How soon is vacation?
It sounds like you love your job (whatever the hell it is 😉) and that you’re damn good at it. The best way to maintain that is to get consistent breaks. Schedule a week at home with no work, more vacations, long weekends on the road with Axel, etc. It will make you be even better at your job, better at D/s, a better husband and friend. Not to mention, keep you from keeling over from stress.
You’re at 220% in May? Slow down, my friend.
Signed,
Ms. Bossy Pants
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We are, all of us, human before anything else. During my s-type years, the commands/rules give not me helped me organize my days and ground me. These things were the same every day, regardless of the fluctuating variables of my day. There were definitely days when they pissed me off because I wanted a day to myself to just “be”. Again, human.
PREACH WARNING: (This may sound like preaching.) I only know about your dynamic from what I have read. It seems that the D/s component is on again – off again because the main portion has to be abandoned when you travel. Since you’re traveling all the time, that makes it tough to maintain any continuity.
If you want a constant level of D/s in your relationship, then the basic guidelines you and Axel work out should be do-able no matter where you are. I would also suggest that they are outlined with exhaustion in mind. (Things you can do when all you want to do is sleep.) For example: When you are in your hotel room for the night, you are required to wear only your collar/cuffs/chastity device until the morning. You are required to layout your clothing for the following day. You are required to send a text photo with proof of compliance.
Because travel has placed much of your relationship with in Axel in the LDR category, it will be entirely up to you, Drew, to follow through on whatever guidelines are put in place. If becoming “royally pissed off” at having one more thing to do before you can go to bed means that you won’t do said thing, then my suggestions above will only set you up for failure.
END PREACH WARNING
Wishing you and Axel all the best on your developing dynamic. It is not an easy path we have chosen. 🙂
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Correction: …the commands/rules given to me helped ….
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How about getting a cleaner? Even just a few hours a week?
Or are you such a control freak you want to do it yourself? Or do not want a stranger in your “kinky” house? Believe me, we see it all, and do not care. We might gossip to our friends, but they do not know you and will never meet you or your acquaintances. It is safe. And it sounds as if you can afford it.
Otherwise I think Axel should step up the rules so that you can relax your mind.
Best wishes, Silke
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Hi, Drew, I’ve been lurking for a while and now wish I could take you out for a beer to chew over all these great questions. Layover at DCA sometime, maybe that could happen.
1. Whatever D/s ritual structures anyone has in place will experience stress. If the structures are organic to the needs of the D, they will be more durable, and if organic to the needs of both, most durable. Rituals for arriving, departing, going to bed, and getting up, seem to be core for a large percentage of people. Starting small and adding over time is probably better than implementing a whole regime at once.
2. Crazy travel. Think of it this way: Discipline is Remembering What I Want. What is it that you want.? You must be getting something very satisfying out of this job, that makes you willing to sacrifice these other things. You’ve gotta figure out what and be really honest with yourself. Maybe you like feeling wanted, in demand, validated, popular? Maybe you like the buzz of being busy, the high of the challenges, or the feeling of being important. Maybe you love the thrill of coming home or are afraid of routine if you stay too long. I’m struck by the fact that you speak of the travel as something external, not in your control, but in the end the responsibility for what your life looks like is yours alone. If you’re *that* in demand, maybe you should be a free lance consultant and charge rates high enough that you can be selective about your engagements.
3. Travel mechanics. If you don’t have bandwidth for things like laundry and packing, your choices are greater efficiency, increase bandwidth, or decrease demand. Or all of the above. I find it helpful to assign a $ value to My free time and make decisions based on that. $20 to send out laundry vs 3 hours of My time? Yeah, those sheets are going to the wash-n-fold. Your free time is too scarce to spend it on things like that, so shop them out… Unless you are getting a value add like kink or intimacy or pleasure out of the way you do the laundry.
4. Root cause analysis, Often the true cause of problems is different than it appears on the surface. Try using the technique of 5 Whys and figure out what the root problem is, then fix it instead of playing whack a mole. Are you delaying packing because you don’t want to leave? That might call for a new ritual with Axel around packing or shifting into departure headspace. Because you’re exhausted and sleeping late on departure days? That might call for an earlier pre-departure bedtime. Etc.
5. Road warrior tricks. Make a departure checklist so you don’t have to think about it each time, you can just run down the list. Ince it’s stable, id laminate it and affix it to an inner zipper so it’s always there. If I might even invest in more clothes and a second suitcase, so that I could alternate go bags. That would take the pressure off the home time and make it easier to let third party take on the washing. Maybe you just need more socks and underwear, so there’s a larger pile to draw from. And maybe a few hours of an organizational consultant’s time would be a good investment.
6. The dynamic. Having sexy hotness with Axel (hi, Axel!) is great, but you might be in top/bottom sexy fun play space only right now, at this moment in your journey. When you start asking about persistent rituals and making/ enforcing rules that could help manage the un-sexy, work-a-day chaos, now you’re in more Dom/ sub or light M/s space… (Yes, we kinksters will argue labels all day, but you get the idea) So having those kinds of rules are only gonna work if that’s what the Dom wants, if They have the personality that wants to deal with it that way. If They don’t, then rules will tend to go unenforced and eventually fall by the wayside. There’s such a thing as a passive Dominant. Additionally, you might want to consider that it’s possible… just Internet spit balling here… But it’s possible that you might be more of a sub (wanting enforced structure) and maybe Axel might be more of a top (not so interested in creating such structures, but thrilled with the sexy play). So maybe start by asking your Dom what HE would like to be different to help with the chaos, and if he’s not so concerned about it, then ask if he might be willing to help you by providing Dominant leadership… Of course, only ask if you’re prepared to actually obey. And prepared that He might say, “this is fine with Me, figure how what you need to do for you, I’m good either way unless you hear otherwise.” I recommend the book Building the Team by Raven Kaldera. It’s M/s but I think there’s good practical stuff in it that could be very helpful to how you frame and approach these issues.
Cheers,
Stately Pleasure Domme
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Hi there. Thank for for no longer lurking and offering advice. I posted that yesterday at the end of a week that saw seven states and five cities and I was just tired. The truth is that I have the second suitcase, the second set of clothes, the ability to send to fluff and fold, etc but I was home a bit too much the week before and, when that happens, things get mixed no matter how much we try not to let it happen and then I have to think versus grab and go. Of course, this week I forgot to think.
You mentioned that I see the travel as something external and, you know, I think I do. I tell myself that “this is my job and I get paid to do this” when I have a delay or a snafu that causes me to sweat through a suit and I like that thinking because, somehow, it let’s the stress sit on the other side so to speak. And, yes, I LOVE my job and it’s very much worth the sacrifices and when I accepted it this was a full disclosure and a decision by both Axel and myself and I have zero regrets aside from I wish I could talk about what it actually is at times – ha.
So, all is good here and I have six days to wind down, clean, and pack again (I actually love doing it). Thank you again.
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For me and mine …. Rules help. The big ones you probably already have so fully ingrained that you don’t think about them anymore and they are just a part of your relationship with Axel. Those aren’t really going to help with this stress/distancing effect.
It’s the tiny fun ones that bring us closer together when things get hard. The little “chores” that show I care and understand he needs a bit of brain relax time. Anything from “I want 2 pictures (of something specific) in the next 15 minutes (or whatever is possibly reasonable)” to … “I expect you to be in bed with your head on the pillow and lights off by 11:15 tonight” to …. “Flirt with someone at the bar tonight and find a way to show them your chastity cage and then tell me all about it” To …. Shutting him out of his porn sites for a few days and making him tell me what he misses most…
It’s all of the little things that we do in our D/s lifestyle dynamic that keeps us connected, excited and emotionally aware.
All the best!!
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