Sitcom Life

Good morning from Gotham. The pic above is my current view as I sit with about 700 of my closest colleagues at an industry conference. It’s crazy how exhausting being nice is, but, well, I am Southern so I just have to be. New York is New York and I love it here, but I have such a sense of uneasiness with the City that I have not had before. It’s mostly because I am in Times Square and there are thousands and thousands of people and, now, thanks to the world, military and police on every corner with just a massive amount of arms and ammunition. I know they have to be there and I do appreciate it, but I have not seen this since spending time in DC the week after 911 so it makes me weary.

I have often said I should write for a TV show because of the weird things that happen to me in life, but when I start thinking about it too much, I wonder sometimes if I am actually in one because of the many stupid things I do that would make a studio audience laugh and clap like mad men even without the “applause” light above my head.

Of course, this trip started in an odd state from the minute I boarded my first flight yesterday morning at 5am. See, about 16 years ago when I was a super seasoned 29 year old national Vice President for the company I worked for then, I had to fire my assistant who was, at the time, just like Jack from Will and Grace. He was a flamboyant man who didn’t really know he was and what he did was absolutely worthy of termination, but he didn’t know it. It was actually the first time I had to do that which probably meant I would have remembered it anyway (little did I know I would lose track of the numbers over the years) but he stood up and with his hand on his hip vowed that he hated me. All was good for 3-4 years and I ran into him at Macy’s one day where he proceeded to make a show that looked like a lover scorned while I stood there, but that was the last I saw of him ten years or more ago. Until yesterday. Apparently he has changed vocations and is now a flight attendent and was the lead one on my flight. Worse, I sat in seat 1C and, if you have ever sat in the seat you will know this, but that seat stares at the FA chair by the door and, since they sit facing the rear, we got to stare at each other the whole time. It was 5:45am and I had never been so awake with one eye never losing contact with him. It was a long two hour flight but nothing was ever said and, since I asked for the can of my Diet Coke, I knew I was fine. 

That sitcom side of life reared it’s head again this morning as I woke up and took a picture of the beautiful view from my window outside to post on Facebook as I often do in the mornings. This one was uploaded and looked beautiful until a friend texted and said “Dude, WTF?” and attached said picture. Right there, riiiiight there, if you looked closely, there, in the picture, was a really tasteful reflection of me, absolutely naked, standing there taking the picture. Fuck. It had about four likes and had not been there long, but watching me try to scramble to get online and get that offline would have been a fun thing for someone to see. Though, now that I think about it, just four likes makes me rather sad. Hmm.

In addition, there are those moments too like last week when Thumper and I were trying to schedule a time to see each other in August. As we went back and forth between “no, I am being fitted for a plug on that day” and “oh, well, no, I have to take water ballet lessons that day” my mind flashed to all those Modern Family episodes where Claire and Phil are trying to make sure Luke gets a ride. It was a funny and stressful and, now that I think about it, I am not sure we finished. (One moment please…) Nope, I checked and we didn’t finish. Thump, the last date was sent to you so, “tag, you are it, my friend”. 

And then, anything with my Mom and Dad is a laugh these days. A sad laugh at times, but, often, it’s just precious like Saturday when they were on a trip and SOMEHOW turned the navigation voice in their car to Mandarin. I just had to laugh because, since the buttons were all in Chinese characters, they didn’t know which one was the “route cancel” and I couldn’t visualize it to tell them, so they drove about 3 hours with a Chinese lady screaming at them until Axel could go there yesterday to fix it. Can you just imagine two old people going too slow in the left lane blazing down the highway in a BMW while a this woman screamed at them?


Finally, changing subject slightly, has anyone watched Billions on Showtime? I just started it and find the way they portray the main character’s kinky marriage fascinating because they have to turn the (female) Dom stuff on and off much like Axel and I try to, but I find myself uncomfortable when she goes into “Mistress Mode” and can’t tell if the acting is just bad or if I am weird because I see her changing roles? I have told you time and time again I get wiggy for a bit when Axel shifts into that spot so I wonder if I am doing that with her too, though, again, it could be that she’s just bad at that part of the character. Anyone?


  1. All the idiots who left because you don’t write about sex as much are missing all the fun.
    There ought to be a user mode and an “IT Guy” mode on all consumer electronics, so your parents (and my wife!) can’t get themselves into trouble.


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