This is one of the hardest posts I have written in awhile because, in some ways, I am mad at myself and, in others, I am just flat confused. However, neither is a feeling that is any more than fleeting and I am already over the events of which I shall speak.
To go backwards a bit, about a year ago I met a man who wanted to dominate me. He is a dreamy white collar professional guy in his 50’s who has a penchant for slave training. He and I had dinner twice and coffee once many months ago where we discussed the potential of me submitting to him. I thought it a serious enough offer than I involved Axel who exchanged multiple emails with this man until he was comfortable and then permission was granted. Typical of my life, the day the permission was granted was also the day my project in his city ended and then he took a new job where his travel was just as much as mine, so it wasn’t meant to be and we stayed in touch, but that was that.
That was that until that became last night. Tuesday.
He and I, through a very random email, discovered that we were in the same city for the same night and I happened to not have any plans or work that had to be done. So, a phone call to Axel, a long deep cleaning shower, and a pair of fancy underpants later, I got into my rented Chrysler and drove myself to an evening of submission and service. During the drive I was excited but not thrilled which I chalked up to nervousness, but in hindsight I think there was a tad of apathy in there as well.
I arrived, went to his room, saw him and smiled hard because I do like the man and he is quite attractive. As instructed I stripped and he proceeded to collar and cuff me and then put me into a sort of hogtie saying that I should stay right there for thirty minutes or so. The feeling was nice and I found it relaxing in a sense, but it did not turn me on. While down there, I started thinking about Thumper when he is in a similar state and he is moaning and he is rocking and he is doing anything he can to grind his metal penis into the carpet just to increase the happy feeling he is feeling in that moment. I thought about alco and the plans I have to tie him in exactly the same way. Then I started thinking about tying Thumper and alco together, metal dick to metal dick and collar locked to collar or mounting both of them to a double dildo while I caused them each pain. I loved those thoughts and I was getting visibly excited, which tricked my dominant friend into thinking it was for him and, honestly, that allowed myself to think that way too.
So, after about twenty minutes, he said “let’s test your endurance” and tied me into a squatting position that put full weight on my thighs. Luckily I have thunder-ish thighs and that didn’t really bother me, so again, my mind started to wander; however, this time, I started thinking about pizza, the chips from Chipotle I wanted, what Ferns would say at that exact moment (fyi – it was a snarky reference to his less than stellar rope abilities as well as something about champagne), and how pissed I am that my new iPhone is backordered and when my penis could not deflate any further, I just told him that this wasn’t working.
He undid me and asked me to lay down on the floor with him (there was a big sheet out for your germaphobes) and we talked for about ten minutes about it and how everyone is different and how things are going to be different in your mind versus reality, etc, etc, etc. He was shockingly good at that and, though mad at myself for not being all super sexual, I found myself falling into a boy mode where I felt very safe and protected and, as this was going on, he raised up and was rubbing my legs and back and it felt nice and I felt “boyish”. Though, hearing that voice in my head that told me that the boy should be rubbing and not the Sir, I eased him down on his stomach and I hoisted myself up over his legs (he was clothed, btw) and I then helped him take off his shirt so that I could do the massaging. I was going to be the best sub in the world to him at that moment, god dammit, I was going to prove my head wrong. However, the minute I got on top of him I felt the boyish part begin to slip and from that vantage point I could spot a bottle of lube and a box of condoms in the bathroom and that was it. Boy Drew went away right then and there and he was not coming back (nor has he made an appearance since)
I stood up, apologized, got dressed, and being the polite Southerner I am, made small talk about his business, the lovely shade of brown his room was painted, and whether he should order the iPhone regular or plus, and then I bolted.
I bolted to Chipotle for chips and sat there mad at both myself for leading this man on and at the stupid woman in front of me who thought it would be fun to mix all the soft drinks like she was seven years old. I felt like I had teased him, though I knew he didn’t feel that way. I felt like I had teased everyone I had ever talked to about wanting to submit, because, fuck, they were right, I may not actually be a switch. I was mad at me for being attracted to incredibly submissive thoughts in my head, but not even amused by them in reality. I was just pissed at everything then, and especially that stupid woman because I realized how stupid she looked too.
I texted Axel to say I was done and that it didn’t go well and, for fucks sake, he wanted to go into therapy mode versus just skipping to the end and telling me I was right (again folks, do not marry a therapist if you don’t want to talk a lot about feelings and junk). So, after enduring that, he said, “duh, it’s cute you still think you can turn off your dom side”.
Well, that wouldn’t do and I really wanted to to talk to my shaman o’kink, Thumper, so I texted him to call me at the exact moment I realized it was his family time and not a typical time we could chat freely about naked body parts. So I texted a “never mind” or something vague. He texted back and I gave him just a wee snippet of the story (because he and I don’t talk about my sub side and, for that reason alone, I didn’t tell him what I was doing in advance) and he came back with something like “it’s stupid to be mad at yourself. Lets talk tomorrow. Oh, and, fyi, YOU ARE NOT A SUB” or something snappy like that, so I ate my chips and went about the night.
By the time I reached my room, I wasn’t mad at me anymore and I received an email from dom dude saying thanks for coming over, I am looking good, and that I have nothing to feel badly about. So, that helped me some too and I began the introspective talk with myself about how it’s okay to just be one thing if that’s how it goes.
The cool thing about this though is that this has nothing to do with the fact Axel likes me to wear a cage and that I will willingly do it. In fact, I may even do it more now as I accept and grow into whatever category I will fit in eventually. I know I still want to experience submissive elements and that is perfectly fine to do but I am also learning that it’s okay not to have emotion with them and, just because I may want the peacefulness of bondage one day, or have a shiny dick, that that does not label me one thing specifically.
There will be more thoughts as the next few days go by, but after reading some of Denying Thumper earlier today, I realized how thankful I am that I am not bisexual too. I don’t think there are enough chips out there for those competing feelings in my head.