Submission Rejection

This is one of the hardest posts I have written in awhile because, in some ways, I am mad at myself and, in others, I am just flat confused. However, neither is a feeling that is any more than fleeting and I am already over the events of which I shall speak.

To go backwards a bit, about a year ago I met a man who wanted to dominate me. He is a dreamy white collar professional guy in his 50’s who has a penchant for slave training. He and I had dinner twice and coffee once many months ago where we discussed the potential of me submitting to him. I thought it a serious enough offer than I involved Axel who exchanged multiple emails with this man until he was comfortable and then permission was granted. Typical of my life, the day the permission was granted was also the day my project in his city ended and then he took a new job where his travel was just as much as mine, so it wasn’t meant to be and we stayed in touch, but that was that.

That was that until that became last night. Tuesday.

He and I, through a very random email, discovered that we were in the same city for the same night and I happened to not have any plans or work that had to be done. So, a phone call to Axel, a long deep cleaning shower, and a pair of fancy underpants later, I got into my rented Chrysler and drove myself to an evening of submission and service. During the drive I was excited but not thrilled which I chalked up to nervousness, but in hindsight I think there was a tad of apathy in there as well.

I arrived, went to his room, saw him and smiled hard because I do like the man and he is quite attractive. As instructed I stripped and he proceeded to collar and cuff me and then put me into a sort of hogtie saying that I should stay right there for thirty minutes or so. The feeling was nice and I found it relaxing in a sense, but it did not turn me on. While down there, I started thinking about Thumper when he is in a similar state and he is moaning and he is rocking and he is doing anything he can to grind his metal penis into the carpet just to increase the happy feeling he is feeling in that moment. I thought about alco and the plans I have to tie him in exactly the same way. Then I started thinking about tying Thumper and alco together, metal dick to metal dick and collar locked to collar or mounting both of them to a double dildo while I caused them each pain. I loved those thoughts and I was getting visibly excited, which tricked my dominant friend into thinking it was for him and, honestly, that allowed myself to think that way too.

So, after about twenty minutes, he said “let’s test your endurance” and tied me into a squatting position that put full weight on my thighs. Luckily I have thunder-ish thighs and that didn’t really bother me, so again, my mind started to wander; however, this time, I started thinking about pizza, the chips from Chipotle I wanted, what Ferns would say at that exact moment (fyi – it was a snarky reference to his less than stellar rope abilities as well as something about champagne), and how pissed I am that my new iPhone is backordered and when my penis could not deflate any further, I just told him that this wasn’t working.

He undid me and asked me to lay down on the floor with him (there was a big sheet out for your germaphobes) and we talked for about ten minutes about it and how everyone is different and how things are going to be different in your mind versus reality, etc, etc, etc. He was shockingly good at that and, though mad at myself for not being all super sexual, I found myself falling into a boy mode where I felt very safe and protected and, as this was going on, he raised up and was rubbing my legs and back and it felt nice and I felt “boyish”. Though, hearing that voice in my head that told me that the boy should be rubbing and not the Sir, I eased him down on his stomach and I hoisted myself up over his legs (he was clothed, btw) and I then helped him take off his shirt so that I could do the massaging. I was going to be the best sub in the world to him at that moment, god dammit, I was going to prove my head wrong. However, the minute I got on top of him I felt the boyish part begin to slip and from that vantage point I could spot a bottle of lube and a box of condoms in the bathroom and that was it. Boy Drew went away right then and there and he was not coming back (nor has he made an appearance since)

I stood up, apologized, got dressed, and being the polite Southerner I am, made small talk about his business, the lovely shade of brown his room was painted, and whether he should order the iPhone regular or plus, and then I bolted.

I bolted to Chipotle for chips and sat there mad at both myself for leading this man on and at the stupid woman in front of me who thought it would be fun to mix all the soft drinks like she was seven years old. I  felt like I had teased him, though I knew he didn’t feel that way. I felt like I had teased everyone I had ever talked to about wanting to submit, because, fuck, they were right, I may not actually be a switch. I was mad at me for being attracted to incredibly submissive thoughts in my head, but not even amused by them in reality. I was just pissed at everything then, and especially that stupid woman because I realized how stupid she looked too.

I texted Axel to say I was done and that it didn’t go well and, for fucks sake, he wanted to go into therapy mode versus just skipping to the end and telling me I was right (again folks, do not marry a therapist if you don’t want to talk a lot about feelings and junk). So, after enduring that, he said, “duh, it’s cute you still think you can turn off your dom side”. 

Well, that wouldn’t do and I really wanted to to talk to my shaman o’kink, Thumper, so I texted him to call me at the exact moment I realized it was his family time and not a typical time we could chat freely about naked body parts. So I texted a “never mind” or something vague. He texted back and I gave him just a wee snippet of the story (because he and I don’t talk about my sub side and, for that reason alone, I didn’t tell him what I was doing in advance) and he came back with something like “it’s stupid to be mad at yourself. Lets talk tomorrow. Oh, and, fyi, YOU ARE NOT A SUB” or something snappy like that, so I ate my chips and went about the night.

By the time I reached my room, I wasn’t mad at me anymore and I received an email from dom dude saying thanks for coming over, I am looking good, and that I have nothing to feel badly about. So, that helped me some too and I began the introspective talk with myself about how it’s okay to just be one thing if that’s how it goes.

The cool thing about this though is that this has nothing to do with the fact Axel likes me to wear a cage and that I will willingly do it. In fact, I may even do it more now as I accept and grow into whatever category I will fit in eventually. I know I still want to experience submissive elements and that is perfectly fine to do but I am also learning that it’s okay not to have emotion with them and, just because I may want the peacefulness of bondage one day, or have a shiny dick, that that does not label me one thing specifically.

There will be more thoughts as the next few days go by, but after reading some of Denying Thumper earlier today, I realized how thankful I am that I am not bisexual too. I don’t think there are enough chips out there for those competing feelings in my head.

7 thoughts on “Submission Rejection

  1. I cannot stop laughing at the fact that I made it into this story… *laugh*. Oh god. It really WASN’T working for you was it?

    My first thought isn’t ‘oh you don’t have a submissive side’, it’s ‘this dude’s energy and play style didn’t work for you’. I know you know this, but one size doesn’t fit all and for casual play you really can’t know until you try.

    I’m thinking about ‘prey‘ for whom my style didn’t work. It’s not that he’s ‘not submissive’ or that I’m ‘not dominant’, and it’s no-one’s fault, it’s just that our styles didn’t match up.

    I’d add that you do overthink and you need someone who is able to turn that shit off (when you were slipping into ‘boy space’ instead of just enjoying it and seeing where it went, you felt like you ‘should’ change it up, so not only were you not really in the moment, you seemed to be unable to let yourself sink into the moment because thinky-thinky).

    So yeah, you said that you were past it already, but I’m still going to reiterate this: It’s *not* your fault and it doesn’t mean it isn’t in you. I’m really glad that the dom was so good about it with you.

    I’m going to go out on a bit of a limb and suggest that maybe *casual* submission is not going to work for you: you’re a sensitive introspective boy and I wonder if you might need a little more than ‘someone doing some things to you’ to make it work.

    *warm hugs*

    Ferns

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What Ferns said.

    And this, in case it helps:

    Being a Switch is not the same as being a part-time submissive. We are all different and certain things work/don’t-work, etc blah-blah-blah…

    But when I play and someone/something triggers my Switch, it is not scene-based where I have to “be” submissive. FUCK THAT NOISE.

    It’s organic, the power flows back and forth intensely from moment to moment. It is allowing him to push to the back of my throat one minute and taking his feet out from under him to straddle his face the next. It is shackling his wrists with the force of my grip and my weight then going soft and pliant when he wrestles me under him.

    It is a constant flow, one that – when the partner and the chemistry are right – makes me feel both achy and satisfied. I AM NEVER *NOT* DOMINANT. But sometimes I Switch.

    So when you described your “boy” space: I GET THAT. And I also get how it’s something that comes and goes, that is fleetingly sweet one minute and completely not what you’re into the next. The key is to have a partner who can go back and forth with you, who can add the thunder to those lightning strikes of switched temperament.

    I don’t argue with people who think Dom/sub is Top/bottom, because if that what works for them, fine. But that doesn’t work for me. AT ALL.

    Scene play, where you have to stay in sub role, doesn’t work for me for that reason. I’m nobody’s bottom. And I am not submissive. I SWITCH. It’s not even remotely the same thing, at least not in my world.

    And for the record, the best Switch play I’ve experienced has been with another Switch, whose default mode is submissive. Which makes a helluva lot of sense, all things considered. Reading this, the whole time nodding, muttering “mm-hmm” and “of course,” my guess is that the same would be true for you.

    My two cents.

    Or two sense, as it were. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  3. As above. Fern and Mrs Fever expressed what I thought during reading your post.
    The energy was not there, it was not the moment.

    Keep at it and enjoy the moment when it works for you!

    Silke

    Like

  4. There will be more thoughts as the next few days go by, but after reading some of Denying Thumper earlier today, I realized how thankful I am that I am not bisexual too. I don’t think there are enough chips out there for those competing feelings in my head.

    Thing is, being bisexual doesn’t result in competing feelings. It’s not “either or” it’s “yes, and” if that makes sense. I’m thinking that being a switch is kind of the same. I’m bisexual but prefer woman for emotional reasons, a switch might also “prefer” to be Dom or sub but be able to put themselves in the other spot. I don’t know if you’re switch. I know for a fact you’re not a sub. I’m not saying that means you can’t act as one if you let yourself and you’re in the right spot with the right person, but a sub you are not. As a sub who’s received your domination, I can say that with some authority.

    You know, all aspects of sexuality happen on a continuum. Not all bisexuals are bisexual the same way or to the same degree. Some people can only fanaticize about others of their gender but not actually ever go through with it. They have just a taste of the bi, so to speak. Maybe D/s is the same. There are aspects of submission you’re kind of into thinking about but, when it actually happens, it’s hard. Maybe impossible. I don’t know.

    I also think what you can do with Axel has no bearing on what you can do with anyone else in a play environment. You let him lock you up but that’s because it’s him and there’s a deep emotional connection and your motivations are all wrapped up in that. That doesn’t mean you’d put up with that crap from anyone else.

    I think Ferns is right.* If you’re ever going to submit, it’s not going to be with someone you just met. It’s going to have to be with someone more significant than that.

    * Also, man are you lucky to have two of the most incredible, insightful, and fucking sexy as hell dominent women to advise you like this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So, imagine that night going differently. You and he sit around in a bar and get all worked up talking about what being a Dom means to you and how wonderful it is to top a willing sub and the experiences you’ve had, etc. Then, you go back to his room and just roll around and have sex. Sometimes he’s on top (literally and figuratively) and sometimes you are and it’s fun and sexy and all the boners are there. I think that could have worked for you. You play the boy for a few minute then you push back and he does. I dunno. Just a thought.

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  5. Just listened to episode 15 of the Ungagged show on Nosafeword.com.
    They talk, amongst other topics, about bad scenes and why they go wrong.

    Although you seem to have sorted your head around this, it is an interesting show to listen to.

    Silke

    Like

  6. On a continuum with Ferns comment about thinking, what came through to me is how normative a lot of what you felt is.

    You’ve got a scene that doesn’t work out – possibly because too casual and not a lot of sensation and just not your speed – and your reaction is to be angry at yourself. And while you’re at it to be angry at the “stupid woman” who mixes some drinks “like she is seven years old” and not realizing “how stupid she looks.”

    You mention labels as well. I’ve got a bit of an obsession with people’s obsession with those. Labels are convenient shorthand. Absolutely nothing more. Arguing over whether someone behaves correctly to fit a label is more than pointless. You are way too complex to be described by a label, even one you assign yourself. And behaviors, sexual or otherwise, can never be captured in a label. There are as many ways to be submissive or a boy or a slave or a pet as there are people.

    I got my fair share of being normative – judgmental in less neutral language – myself, which means I can observe myself thinking “Drew should not be so normative!” right now. Which is hilarious. This is tough stuff to unpack for sure.

    I believe that the judgmental reflex you had has underlying attitudes towards public appearance, what it means to be mature or “adult”, how important it is to adhere to expected behavior, and what you owe other people. For starters. Digging into those will be worthwhile, just on general principle and for the knowledge of self that comes with it.

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