Thumper, Ferns, and Mrs. Fever all commented on my post last night and all three had delightful perspectives on the incident that left me feeling dark and stormy when my connection with a Dom didn’t connect the way I wanted it to.
“I’m thinking about ‘prey‘ for whom my style didn’t work. It’s not that he’s ‘not submissive’ or that I’m ‘not dominant’, and it’s no-one’s fault, it’s just that our styles didn’t match up.”
With that point, she quite literally nailed it in a way that I had vaguely thought of, but had not applied directly because, I think, I wanted a pity moment in my head or something similar. But, while I did worry about what it meant for me as a sub or in terms of future play partners, the 48 hour perspective was that I just felt bad for not being the guy the Dom wanted me to be and for not following through on a commitment I had, at least in my head, made to him about being the naked ass in the air sub he had requested.
The second point to Fern’s first point is that I so appreciate her telling me how she feels with the styles don’t match up and through our personal conversations and through the magic of Twitter, I have witnessed these times first hand with her once, twice or eleven times. Of course, while she is all nonchalant about it, every single time I get angry with her prey for not matching her and then feel sorry for him, because she is where it is at in Australia and the foolish men who live there who are not chasing her are just plain stupid.
However, it was her second point that nailed me to a tee.
Ferns also noted:
“I’m going to go out on a bit of a limb and suggest that maybe *casual* submission is not going to work for you: you’re a sensitive introspective boy and I wonder if you might need a little more than ‘someone doing some things to you to make it work.”
Again, from the 48 hour perspective I now have, she is 100 percent and absolutely right about this. I know myself better and the shear fact that I have never once in my life had a one night stand tells me that I do have to have a deep connection. With this man, I allowed a year or more of email to substitute that connection in my head, but looking back, our emails were never more than a few sentences and he never told me much about his life nor asked about mine.
As a for instance, with Thumper, I remember way back that I found him more and more attractive to me as prey when I found out what his son’s career path was/is or what Belle’s father does for a living. Those are stupidly random things and completely just exaggerated as an example, but the more I knew, the more he was real and, in exchange, that allowed me to enjoy temporarily taking him out of those comfortable places that I knew about when he would be liking the way I hurt him.
With alco, the potential playdate, our first email exchanges were pages which moved to texts and then to long Facetime chats. The connection to him as a person, a friend, and as a potential sub was instant and, because I know what his husband’s name is and how he likes his steel, I know that I will enjoy taking his freedom away from him when I tie him up and leave him in the closet one day for hours.
Now, Mrs. Fever said:
“Being a Switch is not the same as being a part-time submissive. We are all different and certain things work/don’t-work, etc blah-blah-blah…
But when I play and someone/something triggers my Switch, it is not scene-based where I have to “be” submissive. FUCK THAT NOISE.
It’s organic, the power flows back and forth intensely from moment to moment. It is allowing him to push to the back of my throat one minute and taking his feet out from under him to straddle his face the next. It is shackling his wrists with the force of my grip and my weight then going soft and pliant when he wrestles me under him.
It is a constant flow, one that – when the partner and the chemistry are right – makes me feel both achy and satisfied. I AM NEVER *NOT* DOMINANT. But sometimes I Switch.”
She, like usual, nailed it too. Even though I was past it, and really think I was, when I read this last night it made me smile in that giant way because she’s right and I loved the line she put about how she is “never not dominant, but sometimes she switches”. That says everything and I think I may steal that for my recon profile headline.
After that, she describes shackling wrists with force and straddling his face and, that, that right there is one of those moments when I wish I was bisexual because, Uuuuuuummmph. In fact, this morning I think I heard Thumper’s cage clank all the way from where I was when he read that because, well, Uuummpph.
Thank you, Mrs. Fever. As always.
Finally, Thumper added his two cents and, when I read them at 35,000 feet this morning, they made me think, laugh, and smile all at the same time.
“I don’t know if you’re switch. I know for a fact you’re not a sub. I’m not saying that means you can’t act as one if you let yourself and you’re in the right spot with the right person, but a sub you are not. As a sub who’s received your domination, I can say that with some authority.”
I don’t really have much to say about this directly, but I liked the last line and thought it should be seen again. Ha. Seriously, the right spot with the right person thing is exactly what all of this has been about and, in fact, I was just with the wrong person.
Following this he elaborated a bit about my intended sarcastic remark about being glad I wasn’t a switch bisexual because of the amount of choices I would have to make, and, I have an idea for a response to that which would be it’s own post, so I am not going to go into that at the moment.
However, in a second response, he stated an idea, or thought, that on the surface sounded incredible but likely nothing that would ever happen with me, though I am not opposed.
“So, imagine that night going differently. You and he sit around in a bar and get all worked up talking about what being a Dom means to you and how wonderful it is to top a willing sub and the experiences you’ve had, etc. Then, you go back to his room and just roll around and have sex. Sometimes he’s on top (literally and figuratively) and sometimes you are and it’s fun and sexy and all the boners are there. I think that could have worked for you. You play the boy for a few minute then you push back and he does”.
My mind tells me this wouldn’t work because the guy is someone whose grandmother’s maiden name was something I had yet to learn, but, when I read it again, he wasn’t specific that this was a stranger, so I think he is right with this (anyone want to volunteer to help me try?), but, this is pretty much how Ax and I have sex as well (except for that conversation part, you know)
So, to the three of them and the others who commented who I don’t know so well yet, thank you. Perspective is everything and you helped immensely but, again, Thumper said it best when he said:
* Also, man are you lucky to have two of the most incredible, insightful, and fucking sexy as hell dominent women to advise you like this.