So, here we are, winding down the year and I just finished my second to last work trip of the year (Axel and I are spending NYE in Montreal with Mr. and Mrs. Steelwerks, but that doesn’t count). Luckily I like where I am going next week and will end it with a fun encounter with my friend alco where I will have the pleasure of delivering, and perhaps installing, his new Steelwerk’s cage – which was sent to me specifically for this purpose.
Anyway, as I often do, I am making this post about the muggle side of myself as, right now, this side is suddenly at odds with the kinky side. I say this like it’s a bad thing, but, in reality, the battle that is raging is, well, pretty groovy because both sides are positive.
To get more specific, I think that most have come to realize that I am pretty competitive, especially when it comes to my crazy career. Admitting this is a new thing for me because I used to like to tell people I wasn’t competitive at all but that argument generally failed because I would have to stop the conversation in mid sentence so that I could race to beat the old lady to be first to board the plane (example only, peeps). But, professionally, I am driven and many years ago I designed a career path that would take me to the exact place I am now. Even though I really didn’t know what “now” would look like, I knew I would be just where I am, if this makes any sense. I planned this knowing I had a husband, since he’s been along for the ride the whole time, had aging family, and would not have kids. It was all in the design and I was going to rise from the bottom and go all the way to the top of the scale.
Using the scale as a reference, my goal was to be about 60-70% toward the top of my field by my mid 40’s and I reached 60% at age 44 and now, at 46, I am at about 65%. My plan was to go all the way, or as close to it as I could be in my 50’s and just do my thing until retirement. I was going to be the greatest and set the world on fire as I went. But, around 60%, I met Thumper who helped me start verbalizing and acting on my kinks, then, on the path to 65%, I started really “feeling” a lot of what my kink side wanted and started moving Axel toward that, and, now at 65%, my best friend makes chastity devices for a living and every day when we talk we discuss things that were never in my world prior to reaching this range. I never fathomed that my sexual self, especially my kink self, would have such an impact on “me” which now leaves me wondering where the balance should be as it’s begun extremely clear that I do not want to lose what I have gained and only want more and more thoughtful exposure to these areas.
What has brought all of this on is the fact that I am on a cliff, of sorts, as I have a significant opportunity to grow to about 80-85% within the next few months (about 10 years ahead of my goals) and, for the absolute first time since grad school, I am not sure I want to take the next step because, damn it, I think I have realized that I am happy at 65%. I am finding a balance that is working and this balance seems to be getting better with each passing month.
For the record, I know this is a very nice conundrum to be in. If I stayed at the level I am professionally now, I make a nice wage that will slowly creep up but never jump, have reached a nice balance with my dick and it’s metal parts, have a nice semi-public position which affords me some anonymity, and travel four or so days a week which is grating but manageable. If I were to move up, the money would be good, but the travel would be even more intense meaning weekends might be included, stress levels higher, and I would have a much more public role within the U.S. I know myself and how I am am one or two of those thing will fuck up the deal I have with my penis and likely limit new kink adventures because of the lack of time and focus.
When I weigh these things, like in many other areas, the penis wins every time which tells me my answer is a given and that I should stay where I am, which, again, is not a bad place. It’s the knowing I am going to be settled and may wind up at 65% close to retirement that is baffling me because it feels odd to put myself first in some ways like this (though, yes, I am very comfortable doing that in other areas). The funny thing is that I am already finding myself transferring that energy and, in my head, I am going to be at 47% kinky by April and 52.5% by June 2017, etc, etc. I have even drawn a flowchart about who to be around, questions to ask, and potential ways these people could network me within the community. But, the balance question is there too as those things can’t fuck up the other either which could create some fucked up hybrid of a suit, tie and latex hood in non complementary colors.
So, decisions are to be made which, you know, always helps the festive season.Oh, as for Axel, either is fine with him. Travel and career stress have been what we have built 18 years around and we will be absolutely fine whichever way I would go and, if I chose the u’ber kink route, he’ll be right there holding the leash right along with me.
Anyone have any tips on how you balance career and kink?