It’s been a bit since I have written and, frankly, that’s been on purpose as I have spent a few weeks evaluating life goals, career opportunities, and my pervy perspective. Literally, I have been getting my house in order as Axel and I have been pretending we are moving in order to clean every closet, look in every cranny (fyi, what are those?), and open every drawer while piling the front room of the house with things that we are not using to send them to a place where someone else can. While it’s not finished as I have two more closets and one “mystery corner” where I hide things behind a giant okay door to do, it’s been this amazingly cathartic exercise as he and I, it turns out, talk as we clean and take strolls down memory lane.
It started Sunday with the old picture box that contained those antiquated images from our past lives before each other and our past lives together. There was one particular picture of us from late 1999 or early 2000 which showed me with my sweeping gingery blond hair and him with tall hair and a tan that I still remember as hot as fuck. He was shirtless, legs spread, and in short shorts reflecting what was probably the best shape of his life at that time. I was, of course fully clothed, and skinny, and we were cuddling our golden retriever puppy. It’s this brilliant picture in many ways, but we were so new, so fresh, and, at that point, so fragile as a couple, that it’s fascinating to just think what we had there that we had no idea about. You could almost see the innocence in our eyes and the fact that we were not sure what the world would bring for us as a gay couple in the South, but we had a look of determination and I think that was important. Sexually, I was there scared to admit what I craved and he sat there oblivious to what I would hit him with down the road, but, we repressed that as that’s all we knew how to do.
If we were to recreate that picture now, you would see a larger, more pale Axel who now sports some incredibly interesting scars down that one leg that was so sexy at the time and you would never see him in the same pose as, frankly, I don’t think he was rebuilt to be able to do that. You would see me larger in muscle and height (I think I grew), larger in girth, and bald as Kojak as the sweeping hair was swept away long ago. And you wouldn’t see the puppy, as she passed almost three years ago at the age of 14. Even with those stark changes, one of the largest differences would be in our eyes as we are now not so new, really not fresh, and, aside from one grouping of a ceramic, fiberglass and plastic hip, pelvis, and thigh bone, not fragile in any way. In contrast to everything we thought impossible in the first picture, we now would sit there with one last name, one car insurance policy, and a determination that even as the world gets scarier this Friday, we will be fine. Most importantly, the cloud of sexual repression is long lifted, though we do still have an occasional fog blow in.
We laughed about that and where we have been and, what we loved the most, is that all these years later we realized that now, right now, we are having the best sex of our lives with each other, and, with others when and if that option is available. While I am sure he wants his abs back as much as I would want my hair again (and we’d both want the golden), I don’t think either of us would want to ever go back to that stage of sexual innocence and denial of who we are and what we want to do, fuck, see, and be.
This all has a point to it as that talk, that realization, and the overwhelmingly freeing feeling of letting go of ugly candlesticks and bad vases we’d been given as gifts, just made what we have now that much more. This is especially true for Axel, who is finding his voice more and more and yesterday greeted me upon my return from the gym with a collar saying he had decided that it would look good on me in the house that day and that I really didn’t have a choice. While I frankly wasn’t much in the mood at that time, that attitude made it all perfect and he was right as it did look good as I went about my day.
This morning as I went to leave, I noticed a stack of jocks and latex briefs on my bag with a note saying he wanted to see a nightly pic again while I was gone (and I suspect it will wind up here too – lol) and, even though this week I am traveling to one of the least sexy places I could go, I will do my best to sexy up the Holiday Inn Express the best I can as I want this clean mind and attitude to continue for us both.
Now, time to board the non-sexy flight to the non-sexy place…