The Kink Drop

It’s been an interesting week since I have been back from visiting the boy. A good week. Just interesting.

I am currently in Canada working with a team here that has me booked back to back all day in one hour meeting blocks, but they keep ending short leaving me with 10 minutes spaces to finally write down some of my thoughts.
As I have mentioned, the boy and I had a great time together, but was it too good? I ask that because when I got home, I was pretty blah. I missed the openness of kink around me and, maybe him, but we have not known each other well enough or long enough at that point to even begin to think that. I had Axel. I had Stella. I had everything and anything that makes me, as  a person, happy, but for some reason I wasn’t satisfied. Instead of rolling with this, I worried and worried some more. I have a history of anxiety and some depression during stress periods and I thought that might be coming back, but it felt different. Axel noticed and, being the sweet therapist he literally is, he tried hard to make me feel better, talk it through with me, and remind me that, in the very beginning days of all of this, I felt the same way when I left Thumper and those times I would visit there. He told me that it was okay and that, of course, there were going to be feelings but the sheer fact I had them was one of the reasons he loves me and surely one of the reasons Bolt was drawn to me. In addition, I am preparing for almost a month gone from home, my longest trip ever, and in my mind it would almost be easier if things were not going well with anyone as the better they are the more I fear I will miss something when I am 17 hours ahead and 7,800 miles away.
So, this went on a few days and I was talking to my buddy on Saturday, who is a kinkster himself, and he said “Dude, you are experiencing kink drop. This is entirely natural”. He went on to explain that when he goes to a kink event or spends time with kinky people, the next few days are always like the day after Christmas because you find yourself surrounded by those who think and act like you and, as excited as you are to get back home, it’s hard to not feel like there is something missing because the gear is packed back away, the mortgage is due, and you are just dealing with your basic life. This resounded HUUUUUUGE in my brain because it just made sense. The life I left to go see the boy was the exact same as it was before the collaring, but I just didn’t have a sleepsack laying on the bed with a naked really hot man ready to spend the night in it just right there.
This also brought up a lot of feelings I used to have for Thumper when I would leave him from those initial kinky, sex and toy filled times I would visit that always left me wanting and needing more. I used to confuse those feelings, in my head despite the fact we had up a NO FEELINGS wall, but in hindsight it also had to be the kink drop because those times I would see him and we would eat and shop and not have anything sexual happen, I would leave with a “see ya in a few months” and just be up and done and not think twice about it. So, was that all just around the kink? Was it the day after Christmas type madness, etc? Despite that rule, Thump and I formed a relationship of some sort which was not romantic in the slightest, but different than what I have with my other friends and one that lasts to this day.
With Bolt, yeah, there are going to be more feelings because we are both open to them and not afraid of them, and neither is Axel. There were a few comments on my last post directed toward him asking him if he was scared of the emotion and he responded with a “not at all” which made me proud of him. It’s far too early to predict the future, but once I understood the kink drop, it made processing the possibilities much easier and viable.
So, questions to those of you in multi partner relationships, especially long distance ones, do you have the drop as well?  For those not in these trios, do you experience this after events, etc?
Fire away…

13 thoughts on “The Kink Drop

  1. The extreme of the ‘drop’ is probably exacerbated, not only due to the ALL KINK followed by Everyday Life, but also due to New Relationship Energy. NRE makes the kink high even higher, so when you absent yourself from all those chemicals stoking your high, the resultant crash is like an elevator drop from Floor 14 to below the sub-basement in the metaphorical highrise of sexy pleasure.

    For me, recognizing it helps me mitigate it.

    As you know, I hate being/feeling out of control (SHOCKER), so understanding what’s happening has helped me compartmentalize it. The high and The Feels have their place, and I actively choose whether and when to “visit” that space. It doesn’t mean I’m not engaged or fully present during LDR face time/kink time. It just means I can take an internal step back when those endorphins kick in and see it for what it is.

    If that makes any sense.

    As a side note: Unattached/unattended subby boys tend, in my experience, to do very stupid things during their own drop periods. They go looking, after I leave, for the high they experienced with me. It sometimes takes a while for them to understand that the high is person/situation-specific (head, meet brick wall), which never ends well.

    Bolt may or may not be susceptible to this behavior, and your rules may allow for Dumb Boy Behavior, but either way, it’s something to be aware of.

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  2. Drop is a thing. There’s a lot written out there on sub-drop. Some on con-drop. Almost nothing on dom-drop. But they all exist.

    Neither my partner nor I experience it (but that doesn’t mean we won’t in the future).

    Being aware of it is good. Knowing what to expect helps.

    Most advice I see centers around self-care. Take care of you and surround yourself with a solid support system. Accept it and ride it out.

    Different things work for different people – experiment a bit to see what helps.

    *hugs*

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    1. Thank you, and I can see the sub drop, but the dom drop to me is just the same. I mean, we all go back to doing what we did before, right?

      All is good now and things are falling into grooves, just getting the swing and understanding this, for me, was the weirdest thing

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  3. I have a husband and two submissive partners. Luckily we all live close, but one of the subs has a horribly annoying work shedule which keeps us from seeing each other as much as I’d like. When we do get a big chunk of time together it is intense. And after these visits I always feel droppy.
    When I have these feelings I get very snuggly. I want to curl on the couch with a blanket, a cup of tea, and the dog and binge watch netflix. Lol

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  4. Dom drop, top drop, sub drop: all flavours of the same thing.

    A lot of people claim that sub drop is purely physical, that the body is trying to deal with all of the adrenaline and dopamine and whatever the fuck else was flooding their system when they played, and while that is no doubt true, I disagree that it’s only the physical stress that can manifest it.

    I drop like a stone if I play casually. It’s a reason I don’t really do it any more. It’s just not worth it to me. I feel out of sorts and sad and lonely and bereft and I need aftercare. But I don’t want after care from THEM, even if they are sweet and willing and able to offer it. So I’m kind of screwed.

    For me it’s like casual play has the promise of something profound that it can’t deliver. And even if I know that, my brain and body seemingly don’t and they get in sync to collude against me and they make me pay for it. It’s fucking tedious.

    I know yours isn’t casual, but the intensity and then the distance and isolation is similar enough. For me, when it wasn’t casual but there was some of that, I needed *all the patting and sweetness* from my submissive in the aftermath.

    So yeah: Acknowledge it and make the time to figure out what you need afterwards to make it feel better and to make it dissipate faster. It may be lots of virtual chats and sweetness with Bolt, or cuddles with Axel, or good chocolate, or some decent protein, or all of the above etc.

    *hugs*

    Ferns

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  5. Yes, totally kink drop with some NRE. What can you do? Ask people what they do, information gather. Personally, I treat event/ visit drop like sudden onset of a bad cold, one the last day I start hitting it hard with Vitamins and immune boosting herbs. Also, I kept a log for a while after events to help Me figure out My pattern. My worst day is generally the third day after leaving the event. I’ve learned that playing with someone else during the drop phase can soften the landing but it also can delay and extend the pain. And it is a form of pain, all the pleasure chemicals have been abruptly withdrawn and that causes genuine withdrawal symptoms. Often there is also an element of jetlag-like sleep disruption from staying up late playing and being wired. Be compassionate. Eat right, hydrate, exercise, get some cuddles, and remind yourself how privileged and awesome your life is that you’re capable of having SO MUCH FUN that it hurts to stop. Naming it and reminding yourself that you’ll feel better in XXX days per the pattern really helps.

    Ask your partners foe support and check in with your playmate, support them too as needed.

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  6. Drop is a thing, definitely. But this sounds more like NRE to me. The Ferrett has written some good things about this, for example:
    “NRE stands for “New Relationship Energy,” and it’s the swoony-happy-they’re-perfect feeling you get when you find someone new.
    It also has a habit of destroying relationships.
    The reason NRE is so destructive is because in a monogamous relationship, you’re used to giving yourself over to your partner 100%. If you wanna spend all your time texting them and getting the new sex and showing them your favorite movies, well, nobody else is suffering!
    In polyamorous relationships, that’s called “neglect.” And if it goes on too long, it damages the core relationship.”
    http://www.theferrett.com/ferrettworks/2016/02/seven-realities-guys-should-know-before-they-open-up-their-relationship/

    Not that I’m saying you’re damaging your relationships. Not at all. But I found that reading up on stuff like this, made it easier for me to spot my own patterns. And easier to work on them. I thought it could be helpful for you as well. 🙂

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    1. Thank you and a very nice perspective. It’s been about a week since i wrote that and there was/is definite NRE, but, in may case, it’s been a really nice way to channel myself back with the husband – more soon on that

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  7. I’m really late to the party here, but I, like Drew, didn’t realize this was a “diagnosed” reaction. I certainly have felt it many times at varying degrees. It’s great to know that I’m not alone. (I guess I need to read up more.) I have similar drop feelings that vary in intensity. Certainly after kink fun is the worst, but it’s not dissimilar after a night of drinking or coming home from a vacation. All the comments above are super helpful. I’m just glad to learn about it along with Drew. Thank you all!
    -alco

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