Hello from Sydney on what is my last night in Oz. I cannot wait to get home but also somewhat hate to leave. From a professional point of view, these weeks were huge and I am setting the stage for the next phase of my career. But, from a personal point of view, it’s been absolutely amazing as I think I have reset my point of view on so many things.
As I think most of you had figured out, I was burning out fast personally and professionally and made myself slow down enough to breathe and take stock of life, my loves, my future, and, most importantly, my kinks. For as much as I talk about them on here or other places, I willingly admit that I am far from being self accepting in what I want, need, or fantasize about. However, we all know how this has evolved since blog day one and will hopefully keep going.
But, this trip I spent time with Mack multiple times, to the point that I stayed in his house and felt more welcome there than I have at friend’s houses who I have known for my whole life. I had three meals in a row with Jeep and his husband, who I will call Huey, and, with work behind me, I just relaxed and breathed even more than I did the week before. We texted with Axel during these moments and shared pictures and places and it, in some weird little ways, it felt like he was with us. That made me happy. And, I think it did the other three too.
However, today was the clincher for me because the three of us shared a breakfast and Mack and I went on an adventure to see the city on foot after riding the train for a bit. We walked and took some pictures and, as the day was winding down and my flight was near, we went to a tiny outside bar on a concrete island in the middle of a river and had a beer where we each faced the water and we talked. We talked about what we each need in life. We talked about things about his divorce we had not gone into the details of before. We talked about Jeep and Huey and the dynamics of his submissive relationship with them and how this might play a role in how he moves forward in the dating pool and whether a locked dick would be a help or a hindrance (which, FYI, begs the question to you single guys, what would you think if you hooked up and found someone had a locked dick?). On my end, I talked about Axel and the, now more apparent than ever, rapid decline of my mother’s mental state and what that is going to mean for all these good things that have been happening as well as an addiction crisis with my best vanilla non cuddly friend that has literally shaken me to my core because I didn’t see it and even Axel, the trained one in these things, didn’t see it either.
It was during this moment, or conversation, where the wind blew just right and the air was just the right temperature and I had one of those outside myself moments where I just wanted to just fucking breathe and smile because, this moment, in this one moment, the conversations, the meals, the work events, the naked cuddles, and the sexy as fuck texts with Axel all lined in that warm breezy place and I felt happier and more loved than I can remember feeling in such a long time. It was happiness with a beer and a bestie. And it was one of those times I will remember forever and, luckily, I asked Mack to take a picture of me right there. That said, it’s not a great picture at all, BUT, it’s what it is and I will never forget this trip, despite the fact I had to work and I actually worked damn hard.
Contrary to my typical self as far as when I meet new people, this is not new relationship energy or a kink drop, this is genuine friendship and, though I am quite sad to not see these guys for awhile, I have zero doubt that this group will remain in my life forever, especially Mack who is an avid a texter as me. You know, when you think about it, this is a real bonus when you make friends after 40. And, as for distance, fuck it. I will continue to work here off and on, Mack is an American and has to come home occasionally, and we all have credit cards that buy plane tickets if and when the need occurs.
I will stop with these “nice” posts after this and will get back to my regularly scheduled posts about angst, things in Thumper’s ass (fyi, I see him in 2 weeks), and shiny metal peni, but, it occurred to me this week with my friend’s crisis that I am the guy who used to wince if someone said they loved me or if I had to say it to someone else, but, as the evolution of these life events is occurring, I decided I won’t be that guy anymore and proudly told Mack that I loved him when I left, cause I do and have no shame in saying it because I have such a respect for him and the friendship he has provided me. I think everyone needs to hear that sometimes without going into any spasms about their masculinity and I will make it a vow to say it when I feel it from now forward.
To Axel in absentia, Mack, Jeep, and Huey – thank you for being a part of the evolution of Drew. The time, texts, and diet coke purchases will always be a bit of my soul.
I do love you all in various ways we all may never know.
With much love,