New Axel

Today is day one home: jet lag day. Actually, I tend to have either physical jet lag, mental jet lag, or, rarely, both. The last trip was the dreaded both, but this one I am thinking will just be slightly mental. Axel and I are getting away to a beach for four days starting tomorrow, so that will likely help with either or both.

Anyway, so today I call it mental jet lag because I am allowing obsessive thoughts to swirl around in my head. These are not necessarily bad thoughts at all, but just ones that really don’t need to have hours and hours of processing, yet there is no way to stop them. This installment of thoughts has to do with me and Axel and our changing, for the good, dynamic, my friendships with Mack and Jeep and the truly good things that come from them, and professional worries as I am now in the very active stages of the new job which basically means I have a certain period to prove myself and I am now right smack dab in the middle of it, and the fact that I miss both Thumper and Bolt, though I continue to talk with both almost daily.

On the Axel front, he is really coming into his own as far as dominance and I could not be more happy, but do have a bit of the “be careful what you wished for” thoughts in my head as it seems I may get exactly that. As you know, he has found a domestic slave that is keeping our house and yard very tidy while Ax keeps his dick locked and his ass plugged. This is a new experience for both of them and the slave is taking to this like nothing I have ever seen before. He’s not plugged 23 hours a day, every day (with the XL WMCPB that doesn’t hold him open) and has been locked in a holy trainer for almost 10 weeks now without one single complaint or one request to be released, which is damn impressive. This has given Ax more confidence than ever and I have come home to a new, more confident husband who has no problem pulling out a locking gag when he wants quiet (trust me) or creating rules and structure. In fact, during my flight home yesterday I received a four week for “initial training” document that will have me on a diet and gym routine so that I am down 10 pounds, regularly bound, disciplined when needed and, of course, locked in one of my cages for the duration. Oh, did I mention he had a collar made for me and wants me naked all the time – except for specific boots that I am to order tonight? Yeah, he did. I am thrilled and terrified but mostly thrilled. It shod be noted that, he said, “all of this is to make me a better dominant to my boys – Thumper and Bolt, and that he is sure they will both thank him in time”. 

Um, whimper.

The reality of the above is an amazing place that I had hoped for years to get to, but right now I am having a bit of trouble fully comprehending it all which I blame on the jet lag. Because of that, we are not fully implementing anything until after the vacation, though elements have already started happening. The funniest thing is that from all of that above, the biggest thing I have issue with is being naked, something I have always just hated and have blamed on low body self esteem though I think there is more to it than that. But, it doesn’t appear like I will have a choice in the matter, so I should adjust I would imagine. (Do any of you subs out there have any tips for this or the above?)

Again, there is no part of me that is complaining and I welcome almost every single bit of that, especially the parts that will help me get into the shape I want to be in as I think that will help that part of me that needs to be more open about this side of myself – though that is finally happening as well.

The second part of the mental screaming today has to do with Jeep and Mack, Thumper and Bolt, but I think I will post that in a follow up to this to keep things more short (a new goal of mine).

Stay tuned for the continuing story…

4 thoughts on “New Axel

  1. Hey Drew – Great post.  I wanted to offer my thoughts on “low body self-esteem.” Once again, there’s something we share.  I’ve never liked my body.  As a youngster I was best by horrible allergies, before the days of Claritin, Zyrtec and their non-drowsy ilk.  These days non-drowsy allergy medications are a dime a dozen and the attitude is “yeah, so what?”.  Well, I remember allergy medications before the non-drowsy formulas.  I literally lived on them for years.  They were the only way to control my allergies to the point where it was socially acceptable for me to be around other people. As a result, my childhood and teen years, when people are normally most active and are taking advantage of those youthful metabolisms, were quite sedentary.  I literally had no energy for sports or anything like that.  As a result, I was a fat kid.  I was 225lbs with a 38′ waist when I graduated high school. A move to TX, and a change of environment that removed the worst allergens helped that situation, but I was still fat.  It wasn’t until after my MBA, during which I was introduced to the notion of statistical process control (yes, really), that I had an independent realization that I could apply those principles to diet and exercise, and by aggressively managing calorie intake and burn I could control how I lost weight. And control I did..  After my MBA I was around 210 lbs or so.  Within two years  I’d dropped to 155 lbs applying my new insight.   That was the only time I felt halfway good about myself, but others around me kept saying I was too skinny.   Perhaps so. In the event, work’s gotten stressful and my weight has crept back up – so I need to do that again (subject for a different conversation). My point is that, through all of it, there were others – including Curtis – who’ve found me attractive.  Even now at my most bear-ish, I don’t have a problem picking up an odd date on Scruff or Recon.  *I* wouldn’t go after me, but plenty of other will (and do). So, the realization (for me, at least) is that we have our own image of what we want to be.  That’s fine, we should pursue that shamelessly, and not allow others to deride that.  But, at the same time, we need to acknowledge and celebrate those who like us even though we haven’t achieved perfection. Hope that helps.-D

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  2. Hello Drew,

    great to read you are happy and Axel is finding his Dom side – very much.

    I guess these rules are always negotiable. And being nude in winter, even with the heating full on, not that nice.

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  3. Drew, while I fancy myself a bit of a nudist getting used to being naked at home in front of MrsL was indeed a challenge mentally. Especially so once I started gaining weight when the asthma took over my life.

    As I sit here naked, while 21 is at work, I don’t like the “dad bod” that has developed but MrsL now insist as she has come to really enjoy it herself. So my choices are…lose the weight (which I plan on doing now that the asthma is in check) or get used to “dad bod”!

    So happy for you and Axel!

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