Hello from the other side of the world. Still.
The past few weeks have been constant travel and very little time for fun and, while I have had lots of ideas of what to write about, the ability to sit my ass down and type for 30 minutes had just escaped me. However, it’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon here and I have a nice seat in front of a giant open window and thought I would give it a go. Actually, I received an email from a bloke named Nick and, while I will only publish a bit of it, the entire message really spoke to me as I know exactly where he is coming from.
To summarize the beginning of the email, he and his husband have been together exactly the same amount of time and me and Axel. Like us, one is more kinky than the other and, unlike us, they have not really found the opportunity to discuss this yet, especially the idea that Nick might like to have his penis enclosed in metal like all the other cool guys. In his message, he asked the following questions that made me realize I may not have covered all of these before on the blog, so, I thought I would just answer him here in the public format.
In asking his questions, Nick first mentions that he is feeling a bit awkward in even asking some of these, mostly because, I assume, they seem so personal to ask a stranger. So, before I officially answer, the reality is I have put my life, albeit veiled, and my penis out on the interwebs for scrutiny, so nothing is really off the wall question wise.
So, with that, Nick asks:
First, how did the topic of an open marriage come up between you and your husband?
It’s funny because I really don’t remember how it actually came up specifically, but know it centered around my desire to understand my kinky side more and a bit of frustration we each had with each other over certain attractions we each had that we didn’t share with the other. I know we never really sat each other down and said “I want an open marriage” but the topic came up one day when we were discussing two sets of friends who were both couples, and the fact that each pretended to have an amazingly glorious perfect monogamous union, when we each knew that all four of them were fucking multiple people on the side, allegedly without the other’s knowledge. Our conversation was not as much judgmental as it was a curiosity about why they did it and what they got out of hiding and pretending to be perfect. I remember us saying that if, and it was a big if, we ever did decide to be open that we would be very honest with each other and own our openness. Of course, at that moment while we were having the conversation, in our mind it was almost like we were just saying this in the same vein as we would have talked about someone like Trump being able to win a national election, because, you know, there was simply no way that would ever be possible.
That was about two years before we actually opened the relationship but I remember that during those two years both of us actually would bring it up time and time again to the point that one day we just started talking about why we were always talking about it. Now, remember that my husband is a therapist so these little clues were eating him alive and one day we just started talking about why we felt we had to miss out on things just in the name of monogamy. It was a long conversation that seemed to take three weeks, but in that time we each admitted we had wanted to know what it was like to sleep with others and that since we were both relatively young and inexperienced when we found each other, that we might be missing something and what would it hurt if we did take advantage of a select opportunity should it appear.
The reality is that it all started because of kink, but kink wasn’t the complete reason. He wanted someone with a drive higher than mine and I wanted either someone I could completely abuse OR someone who would completely abuse me. As this developed, we began discussing our preferences about what each wanted to be told, how each would inform the other, and if there were any boundaries that we could not cross, such as someone in our home or, worse, in our bed. The original rules were so strict and, in reality, not possible, but we prided ourselves on our progressiveness and began exploring apps, interests and the like. The irony in this is that I really thought I was agreeing for him, because his sex drive was (before his accident and surgeries) much higher than mine, I just assumed he would have boyfriends and I would stay home and be a happy cuckold watching him date while loving the fantasies I had yet to tell him about. Then, in the ultimate of ironies, Thumper asked for a volunteer, I raised my hand, and about four years later, here we are.
Did either of you feel hurt, or disappointed, that the question was being asked?
No, never in the question of the openness, or the need for it, at all. I mean, in many ways we were and are proud of our abilities to navigate complex situations and relationships. However, as we started down the road, yes, we did hurt each other’s feelings at times. At the start of my relationship with Thumper, I texted him once during what was, unknown to me, scared family time and the sparks flew. And, when he met a couple, a time thoroughly documented earlier in this blog, I was weirdly jealous and, in many ways, in the wrong big time. But, these were minor growing pains and I think something to be expected in any similar situation.
Now, we don’t have much of that at all, though as we got more open in spirit, I think we have both found finding someone else to be less and less of a priority, though I still have experiences I want to have, still have Thumper’s ass, and Bolt’s locked cock.
Then, how did kinks come up and how did those conversations go at first?
Kinks were always the great unspoken thing in our relationship from the first month. The same week I met Axel, I also met a dreamy young Dom in Los Angeles who I had a session with where I was tied up, suspended upside down, and given a very brief session in discipline. The entire thing lasted two hours, but he was so good that, back in the day, he used his very modern digital camera and took photos of me and then was kind enough to put them on a 3.5″ floppy diskette that I took home and treasured. About a month after Axel moved in with me, he found the diskette and confronted me about the crazy pictures he saw. At this point we were very new to each other, had 30″ waists, sweeping hair, and zero confidence in each other. When he saw the pics, he didn’t know what they were as he was so vanilla but he never judged me about them, though he did worry I would leave him eventually for my kink. We had a long discussion about it then, settled down into a pattern without it for a few years, and then one day I ordered a sleep sack on eBay and we “had the talk”. He vowed to help me explore, to help understand it, and, now, many, many years later, I would almost consider him nearly as kinky as me – nearly.
So, Nick, I saw all these thing to tell you that if you feel it, go for it. Life only happens once and we are truly two people who can say, with many many years of analysis, we did figure a way to love each other, play with each other and other’s, and have a good time in the process.