Hello from a tiny little corner of New Zealand. It’s such a fascinatingly beautiful, quirky little country that I can’t help but smile every time I am here. Just based on Twitter, recon and Scruff, it seems to be a kinky little country as well.

Anyway, over the last few months I have casually been texting here and there with a new sub who connected with me through this blog for advice, some mentorship-ing, and just general chat. The funniest part is he has the exact same job I had 15 years ago, so I feel this very weird Dad vibe with him regardless of whether he embraces his kink or not, but we do laugh because our mixed conversations about chastity, plugging, and percent utilization of suspect pooling would be enough to scare any HR officer sideways should we have worked in the same company. He is married to a kinky sub who has encouraged him to find a Master or a Sir as he (his partner) has zero desire to ever take control of him. His main kink at the moment is chastity, and he looks really nice in his Holy Trainer that I push him to wear more and more.

However, he won’t wear it to work without an absolute threat and, when he does, he reports that he sits at his desk all day praying that no-one will look at his crotch. I have been kinda hard on him pushing more and more though I can’t say I would have been much different at his age. My excuse, however, is I didn’t have anyone telling me it would be okay, so why not just blindly follow my advice? I get it and, well, I still get unlocked when I am giving a speech because generally if I am on a stage and if the lights are right, people are exactly at crotch level and I feel, even now, that the world would notice thus interfering with my ability to work. I would not be able to finish. So, alas, I have patience with him and am trying to gently coach him along.

This all got me thinking about the crux of this story, face pics. Dude and I have had lots of conversations and this is an area I do feel a bit of a hypocrite about because I don’t post them. On site like Scruff where the message is “nice guy who travels a lot and loves to make new friends”, I absolutely post it without any worry because, in 95% of the cases, I really am just looking for new friends (and, yes, that caveat is spelled out in the profile). In situations like this blog, Twitter, or recon, where my message is “HEY YOU GUYS!!!!!, HEY HEY, LOOK AT MY SHINY SHINY TITANIUM SUPER PENIS”, I am a bit more reserved and don’t disclose a great deal about my real life and never show a face, though I will always gladly send one to anyone who cares.

It’s this dual identity thing that suddenly is giving me pause because, how can I be a real role model if I am not willing to 100% own what I like attached, inside, and around my body? I feel it’s a double standard in so many ways and I see exactly what I am doing. However, the other side of me that has worked hard for 20 years to build a very unique career that is not particularly non-public, is just terrified about the details of my sexual life mixing with the public life. It’s not a gay thing as I very publicly changed my name to the same as Axel’s and will talk about my incredible husband to anyone who dares look at my left hand, but it is a kink thing and I, to this day, cannot figure out if its a privacy thing or a shame thing, though I think it once was one and now is the other.

When I think about this I think about two figures from the interwebs that I admire incredibly for their public embracement of what gets them off and I often think about how much I thank them for doing so. The funny thing is, I have never met either one and have not had any more than a brief few words on Twitter or recon with them directly either. And though it might sound slightly stalkerish, one of these helped shape me and the other continues to guide me, even without their knowledge.

The first is Ruff, from @ruffstuffsblog on Twitter. He is a few years younger than me, but we started coming out in kink about the same time, but he just went exponentially faster than me and way more public. But, despite the fact he was a Twink’s age at the time, he showed me the “normal side of kink” through his generous display of pictures, comments and such things and continues to do so through his blog and Twitter feed. My claim to fame here is that I actually did stand next to him once at MAL, but I was shy and he was in a full latex catsuit and Ax was holding my leash a bit too short. I laugh because muggle facebook thinks he and I should be muggle friends at least once a week (mutual friends), so they clearly do have all of my data. I have no idea if you will read this, Ruff, but thank you for being so out, kinky and proud as you have led a generation in many ways,

Second, also in the recon and Twitter world is Sir Steven, aka @TXLTHRMAN on Twitter. He and I have a mutual real life friend as well, but I have watch him “grow” online the last few years and this young Sir owns his dominance (and a slight submission at times) and just displays it through the internet with a sense of grace and pride that only a true Texan would have. Again, I’ve never met or even talked with him seriously, but if you follow him you will see why I am drawn to him. I don’t know if it’s on purpose or not, but I watch the tweets he likes from the younger (and some of us older) boys, subs, doms, and other (especially the others) and he continually gives affirming comments, likes, and more than I know if something that really does help the growing kinkster. So, should you also read this, keep this up, Sir, there are many out there who silently very much appreciate it I am sure.

So, back my face drama, I really don’t know but am edging closer and closer to just baring it all which sounds so funny since the world could likely pick my dick out of a crowd I have so many pics of that flapping around out there.

I shall continue this debate in my head, but I now have a flight to Australia to catch and a dessert bar in the club calling all three of my names.




  1. I don’t post my full face (unless it’s somehow obscured) on my blog more because of privacy and safety than anything else. I might have by now, except my spouse has explicitly asked that I not, and I respect that.

    Plus, I don’t want to have conversations with family members I dislike about my varied and interesting sex life because they “happened to find” my pseudonym, and I have one work contract with a prehistoric morality clause, so…

    Yeah. All that.

    But top of the list is safety. Because not everyone has good intentions, and if they figure out who I am, they can figure out who my people are and where they live, and I would never want to put the people I care about in harm’s way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Seconded what Mrs Fever said.

    Sex bloggers mostly keep their identity out of the public sphere because of harassment and threat potential. I imagine it’s not AS bad for men but I’ve had rape and death threats and threats to ‘out’ me to my family and work. Empty threats to be sure because they don’t know who I am.

    Even apart from the above, the truth is that the MAIN reason I don’t put my face out there is because I don’t want some random in the street or some vague acquaintance recognising me and having all this intimate, out-of-context knowledge about me that I didn’t choose to share with them. It’s gross and inappropriate and I can’t imagine having a normal interaction with work colleagues or relatives if they match my face with ‘that sex blogger with the freaky shit and naked pictures hurr hurr’. Nope nope nope.

    In short: It might feel like freedom but be sure you’re aware of the risks.



  3. I have been there.

    I only recently, within the overall timeline of my kink history, posted my face on my Fetlife profile. I have very little to lose in my life should someone choose to find out who I am. The main (perhaps only?) reason I waited was due to my child being a minor. Now that he is of age, I went ahead with it.

    All of that being said, my child may have been a handy excuse for not being seen. When I did decide to go ahead and post an identifiable picture, I was irrationally fearful … for days. The world, however, did not come to an end. No one showed up on my doorstep to point at me and shout about my kinkiness. It has turned out to be a non-event. (Even as I type those words my internal pessimist is saying “So far”, though it has been more than a year.)

    With that in mind, it is worth noting that I share VERY few (if any) personal details on Fet. I rarely make discussion comments and generally keep my visibility quite low. Should someone manage to identify me, there wouldn’t be much that could be used against me. I save all of my nitty gritty kink confessions for my blog where I would NEVER disclose my visage.

    From what I have gleaned from your blog entries, you have significantly more to lose than I did/do. As Ferns said, be sure you’re aware of the risks. Digital permanence being what it is, this is not something you would be able to take back.


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