I am long past due on an update to 2.0, but I just have not had it in me to write even though a lot is going on. As those of you who have followed me a long time know, I waffle on my switchiness with some things and times feeling very dominant and, then, very submissive at others. This is currently wreaking havoc in my head even though I do realize that I don’t actually ever have to pick just one. But, before we get into that, a bit of an update of sorts as since the last post I have seen Thumper (where I felt Dom-ish), met my Twitter legend friend Kiwi, and almost had a lunch date with my beautiful and beautifully talented Australian wife, Ferns, before I had to cancel to do a work thing, and am on my last day of a 3 week trip to the other hemisphere. Tomorrow I go home and I am so happy that the idea of 18 hours on one plane does not even phase me.
On the work front, it’s been interesting because two weeks ago I actually declined an invitation for a promotion because I have just reached a level in my career where I am happy and can stay where I am and be just fine. On the surface, we were not talking anything major salary wise as this would be a status thing with more staff under me, but I think I am done. This was a quick and easy decision, but I cannot explain how much it bothered me a few days later because my whole career has been about the next level and then the next level, etc. It felt a bit like giving up, even though I still have everything I wanted.
Around the same time, Axel’s domination game has stepped up even more than before and I find myself at a position where I feel I have to really fully embrace it or be the guy that wished forever and then wasn’t happy when he got it. I think, driven mostly by the fact that the thought of him in a dominant role, like a strict dominant role, now makes me more erect than I think a troop of naked firefighters walking through my house would, is a pretty good sign that I have drunk the Kool Aid and ready to lock the collar. In fact, while he likes me locked, he is often bothered by the fact that I can get hard in my devices, so a few says ago he ordered a new full cage from Steelwerks for me that he promises will have “special features” he has worked out with Chris. Do you know how hot that is even if he left me to pay for it? (that makes it hotter). He will always allow me my Dom side and has even embraced it, but all of this together has been that fear in the distance that has finally come out and its time to face it.
My hesitancy with this is something I don’t think I ever wanted to admit because I know it’s in my illogical brain versus the logical one, but there is still a part of me that feels if accept the full sub role with the man I love and even trained to be a Dom, that it will make me less of a man somehow.
Again, I know this is not the case as I can see sub after sub be able to be stunning, brilliant, masculine men and then yet a more stunning slave, but for me the image gets cloudy and I just cant see it, even though it seems to be quickly approaching on the horizon. My logical mind tells me that I can and will have it all (collar at home but collar key holder outside) but that worries me as my Dom side will surely creep out.
So, I need advice (and not judgement on this) but how do you guys find the masculinity in submission?